10 Reasons you Suck as a Dom.




This writing is intended for Male Dominants and female submissives. My writing is not limited to this audience but understand it’s intended audience.

#10: You don’t understand the basic concept of behavior modification/ behavior association

Explanation: I can’t tell you how many times I have heard “dominants” say something along the lines of “if my submissive crosses a line then she get’s 10 lashings when she gets home”. The reason this is a problem is because you are associating the lashings as a negative. You are engraving in your submissives head that if she crosses a line she will get beat and that is a problem if your submissive is a masochist… yet you wonder why she keeps exhibiting certain behaviors you don’t like? Because she might enjoy getting beat knucklehead!!

Resolution: Educate yourself on the power of behavior association and behavior modification. A fantastic book is titled Behavior Modification Basic Principles by David L. Lee. Check it out.

#9: You think you should allow or you allow your anger to fuel your Dominance

Explanation: There was a a point in my D/s life that I noticed I “corrected” my submissive better when I was angry/irritated.. yeah that is not cool. Truthfully it shows a lack of control on the Dominants end. Think about it.. why do you FEEL like you have to be bothered to “perform” better? You are the one that dictates the pace.. no one else.

Resolution: Find peace with yourself. Understand that you don’t have to be angry/irritated and just relax. Figure out what makes you happy and in return your submissive will feed off your vibe and want to be better because you are leading her down a good path.. the correct path might I add.

#8: You take care of everyone else before you take care of yourself

Explanation: If you can’t take care of yourself first, you will not be able to care of anyone else properly.

Resolution: Treat yourself first. If you need to heal, heal. If you need assistance, if you need your submissive to simply listen to you then do it. FIGURE IT OUT.

#7: You think it’s a sign of weakness to open up to your submissive

Explanation: For whatever reason in today’s present day American society we believe that anytime a man exhibits any inclination of “emotional vulnerability” that he is considered weak and unfit to be a “man”. What a load of fucking bullshit if you believe this. I am not saying to go open up to a random co worker or stranger and tell them your life story.. NO.

What I am saying is go up to: your mother or father, your best friends, your submissive, someone who really cares for you and open up to them. THEY DESERVE to see that side of you.. it is their reward to see your weakness. The fact that they GET TO SEE this side that no one else gets to see is a huge reward because it shows how much you care for them.

Resolution: Open up to a loved one and communicate with them. Most likely if you have a healthy/steady D/s relationship your s type will appreciate your vulnerability and help you heal and become better. If that is not the case then you might want to reevaluate your current D/s relationship or she might need to learn to appreciate your time and presence more often.

#6: You are a selfish bitch and you think D/s is all about you.

Explanation: If the relationship revolves around you: getting your dick sucked whenever you desire, you ordering her to fetch you things as you please, you ordering her around whenever you please, basically you getting all the perks that a Dominant gets in a D/s relationship; but if you have little or no consideration for your s type and her well being.. then you are not a Dom.

You are a user, a manipulator and you don’t appreciate what you have until it’s taken away from you.

Resolution: Stop being a shitty fucking human being and learn to care and love.

#5: You were and are a piece of shit of a human being before you stepped into D/s

Explanation: This one applies to everyone. When you step into this amazingly beautiful/intense dynamic.. you are either going to blossom or perish. You really never stopped to think that all your problems were not going to be discovered? You really thought that you could push aside all you deepest, darkest secrets and your significant other would never get to see it? Fuck out of here dude.

Resolution: Figure your shit out. Go to counseling, go to rehab, get treatment.. do whatever you need to do to get help. But understand that the problems in your personal daily life WILL affect everyone else close to you. Stop hurting everyone else and stop hurting everyone you love.. they do not deserve it.

#4: You refuse to admit or you don’t understand that a D/s relationship is in fact a relationship!

(Quick important side note: I am talking about D/s dynamic here and not Topping and Bottoming. Difference is there is a deeper connection with a D/s relationship versus Topping and Bottoming is more focused on the play and the scene itself.)

Explanation: You will eventually develop feelings (too an extent) for your submissive. You will eventually learn to care for them. Well the key word is you should.. you should not be emotionally disconnected from your submissive.

Resolution: Understand that in order to have a successful, healthy D/s relationship with your submissive.. understand that A) it is a relationship and B) You have to care for her and nourish her.

#3: You purposely try to disconnect your emotions in your D/s dynamic

Explanation: Whats the matter, are you scared of getting hurt? Are you scared of someone actually loving you? Are you scared of someone stepping into your heart and seeing all the dark shit that’s in there? All your problems? All your Demons? Do you think nobody will ever love you?

Your partner doesn’t deserve you to hold back.. put yourself in her shoes. Here she is giving you her heart completely for you to do as you please and you can’t even give her the honor of having your heart as well.. that is not cool.

How would you act if your submissive only followed your orders 65% of the way? How would you feel if she always held back from certain areas and told you no quite often? It feels horrible man… nobody likes that. Nobody should ever hold back to each other.. it should both be a work in progress.

Resolution: Work on giving your heart completely to the one who deserves it.. strive for that, pursue it. It will change your life forever in so many positive ways; it will break so many walls/barriers down. It will open a world to new feelings, new sensations, new communication and boy talk about the sex! The sex isSOOOOOOOOO MUCH MORE INTIMATE AND BETTER when you know your lover loves you and will do what it takes to please you!!

You give as much as you get back in life; definitely the case here in D/s

#2: You are not honest with yourself

Explanation: If you are not honest with yourself you can’t properly grow. You can’t properly heal, you are basically limited. You can’t truly develop into the Dominant you truly need to be if you can’t identify what behaviors need changing! That needs to change if you wish to become a better Dominant/person in life.

Resolution: You need to really take some time to yourself and re evaluate your current position in life. Why do you have such a hard time being honest with yourself? Why do you always try to convince yourself that everything is fine when it’s not? Do you not see the harm that it’s done to you? The harm it’s done to your family? To your submissive? Take a long hard look at yourself and realize the damage you are causing to everyone else. Forget about Dominance with this one.. this one topic I am speaking to man to man.

As a man you need to be able to look yourself in the eye and admit the shit you need to correct in your life because no one else can do that for you but yourself.. remember you are the leader therefore it is ultimately your decision and whatever decision you decide to make is final.

#1: You have stopped learning

Explanation: I don’t give a fuck who you are, what you know or who you came from. There is NEVER an excuse to stop learning. Only stop learning till the day you die. Stop lying to yourself. If you think you have it all figured out.. you just wait and see a couple of years from now. The truth is you can always learn something new, you can always make something better.

Resolution: Peace.

Break yourself down, over and over again. Fail multiple times. Get knocked down to the ground over and over again.

Fail, suffer. Love like no other. There is no limitation to what you can do when you put yourself in a position to learn.

If you learn to truly accept that you should never stop learning then one day you will know that you are complete as a Dom. You should never THINK that you are where you need to be, you should KNOW you are where you need to be. The only way you can get there is by constantly learning and failing over and over again.

It’s not until then, at that point only when you shall find peace.


more articles in the Library For Kinksters.

If you are not self aware how can you ever hope to grow !!!

Also… #0: dig deep and make sure you’re actually a dom in the first place.  And not, oh, say, trying to live up to cultural narratives about hyper-masculinity or some damn thing you read or hear about.  Because, for instance, BDSM is enormously broader than D/s, and kink is enormously broader than BDSM.