A “Dom” vs. a “Top”?







A message from a Follower, abstracted in the interests of privacy …

“A gentleman asked me today which I preferred, a Dom or a Top? I’m so confused! Can you explain the difference?”

That’s a great question. So, short answer first …

A Top is a person who takes the “active” role in the bedroom. Giving the orders, dishing it out, etc. While the “bottom” takes the “passive” role, obeying the orders, taking what the Top dishes out, etc.

A Dom is someone whose emotional and psychological makeup – his entire character, in effect – is centered around the need to provide structure, focus, and guidance to a submissive. For a Dominant, bedroom kink is nothing more than how people like us have sex; it is nowhere near the totality of it.

Top: bedroom. Dom: full lifestyle.

Now, since I am never one to give a short answer when a rambling, verbose answer will do, a few important points:

Far too many people who self-identify as “Dominants” are really Tops. They lack the psychological makeup and inner landscape to be a Dominant. Not to put too fine a point on it, they just like roughing up and ordering around girls in bed, but like the cachet of saying “I’m a Dominant.” Same with bottoms; far too many confused women who like rough sex see 50 Shades and proclaim “Eureka! I’m a submissive!” The reason this is problematic is, it’s hard to separate the wheat from the chaff. I know several submissive women who fell hard for someone they thought was a Dom, who turned out to be just a bedroom Top. Works the same in reverse; many a Dom has been fooled into thinking that a bottom was a genuine submissive. Hell, I made that mistake myself a couple of times along the way.

Another unfortunate thing is, there tends to be a certain ill-concealed elitism among “true” Doms and subs when it comes to Tops and bottoms. I won’t lie: I am occasionally guilty of it myself, speaking contemptuously of “he/she is just a bedroom kinkster” (my term for Tops and bottoms). That contempt is really unfair; there’s nothing at all wrong with being a Top or a bottom, as long as they don’t try to gussy it up by trying to claim they are Dominants and submissives.

Well said

it has been said though not by me  a top is for a night, a dominant is for as long as he chooses to be your Master and you choose to submit and that a Daddy is forever. I hope that is true

Reblogging for that last reblog comment by @lorddragonwind. Spot on.

Reblogged for a Follower who sent a PM for something on this topic.

Good shorthand: all tops are (lower-case d) dominant. All (upper-case D) Dominants are tops. But not all tops are Dominant.

And while we’re at it, all bottoms (lower-case s) submit to their tops (the bratty ones may have to be subdued before they submit) but very few bottoms are (upper-case S) Submissives.

Because sometimes people ask, this is why I started writing it D/S instead of D/s.

That and because the average Sub will chew your ass off if you’re not up for full-tilt, capital D, 24/7 Dominating them. In other words Subs are hard-core serious and worthy of both the distinction and respect.