There seems to be a common mischaracterization of d/s relationships: that dominance is active, submission is passive, dominance is doing, submission is being done to. And, if your frame of reference were primarily porn or erotic fiction, it would be easy to reach that conclusion. How many feminist objections to d/s are based in this type of thinking? It may also be at the root of common questions like “How do I get my SO to be more dominant?”
This mischaracterization of the d/s dynamic is unfair because it doesn’t give submissive partners enough credit. From where I sit, submission doesn’t look like a passive pursuit. It looks like real work. Submissives choose their role, and they choose to work at it at least as hard as their dominant partners. And then…they make themselves physically and emotionally vulnerable. They trust. Amazing. You aren’t foolish or weak. You deserve to be proud of the relationship that you build everyday.
tl;dr…Thanks for doing what you do. It is noticed and appreciated.
Oh, and pretty picture. Love the dress. Love the curls.
I am a lucky girl.
This is roughly the mindset
@cynicaldom comes from when he corrects me from saying he leads, I follow to he leads, I support.
UGH! This!!!
To clear the air for a moment it’s not surprising that there are (non-kink) feminist objections to the way D/S is represented in popular culture. There’s no doubt that D/S porn and erotica (including Tumblr) has a big problem with gender representation. In the real world there are huge numbers of women who are Doms and men who are (non-”sissy” and non-”forced-feminization!”) Subs.
You’d never know it from porn and erotica but Dominance and Submission are kinks not genders! Until that totally fucked-up notion gets straightened out feminists (and misogynists!) are going to keep having the same fundamental misunderstanding.
But more importantly…
This mischaracterization of the d/s dynamic is unfair because it doesn’t give submissive partners enough credit.
OMG, if you don’t get that you haven’t got a single fucking clue what D/S (or Cg/L, or S&M, or B&D or the other power-exchange kinks) are about at all!
Unlike victims of abuse and violence Submissives actively engage and participate. They initiate! They don’t just cooperate they often actively critique, negotiate, recommend, and reject their partner’s Dominance.
In the real world, Subs cultivate and coach their Doms as often as Doms train and develop their Subs.
The point is that bottoming kinks are their own affirmative kinks pursued by active, autonomous agents. Submission ≠ subordination. Dominance ≠ superiority! And kink relationships are real relationships!
Again, if you don’t understand that fundamental truth then you’re not a Dom you’re a vanilla asshole who likes to push your partners around. If you don’t get that you’re not a Sub you’re codependent, or a doormat, or both. And if you don’t understand that tops and bottoms are partners the way pitchers and batters are partner you’re not going to understand D/S or any of the power-exchange kinks.
Final note: I’m not making a “no true Scotsman” argument here. There are plenty of self-styled “doms” and “subs” who are just loud vanilla players. And too many of us let them get away with it. This is a particular problem for subs because, for better or worse, there aren’t enough good Doms to go around! This creates a structural advantage for wannabes, users, and legit abusers to slip through the cracks. And cause real havoc.
But! Until everybody understands that Doms and Subs are equal, autonomous partners and that D/S is a kink dynamic and not a gender dynamic there will continue to be giant cracks where the assholes will continue to slip through.
