Are you a Gold Star lesbian? (Just in case you don’t know what it means, a Gold Star lesbian is a lesbian that has never had sex with a guy and would never have any intentions of ever doing so)

Let’s slightly paraphrase the anon’s question (and accompanying “in case you don’t know” ‘splaining) and see how that sounds…


I believe that using the term “gold star lesbian” is bullshit and insulting, implying that some women are better or more accomplished lesbians based on their sexual histories. A very good friend of mine’s mother is a lesbian, even though she was married for ten years to a man and had two children. Is her identity as a lesbian less valid than people who felt safe and able to come out at a young age? Sure, I’m happy for folks that are able to discover their sexual identity early in their journey and stick with that, but not doing so, or even just experimenting later on, should not be seen as a lack of achievement or make their identity any less valid. It’s the same bullshit patriarchal thought process surrounding the concept of losing one’s virginity, implying that a man’s dick is able to reshape one’s identity and who they are as a person.

I used to be a “gold star” lesbian. I never actually saw an adult penis in person until this past October, and that first time was just at a play with nudity. I never saw a dick in an intimate context until December. Now I actually identify as pansexual. I have had sex with men. I do have sex with men. I felt ashamed of that for a while (and at times still do) because I felt like I was losing a part of my identity that I had been proud of for years. This wasn’t helped by people pushing a “gold standard” for gayness.

Quit shaming lesbians for their sexual histories.

Are you a Purity Ring virgin? (Just in case you don’t know what it means, a Purity Ring virgin is a virgin that has never even kissed another person and would never have any intentions of ever doing so before marriage)

“In case you don’t know,” no matter what classification you choose for this particular line of questioning it just cooks up another avenue for unnecessary judgement, uncalled for discrimination, and for those lucky Purity Ring and Gold Star owners, undeserved rank and privilege.