Ashamed and dirty.

As many of my followers know, I have been through some not so great times. There have been incidents where I probably should have been left feeling ashamed of myself, I wrote a recent piece on my relationship with my body. I, however, did not touch on the words ashamed, shame or dirty.

Despite all that, I have never actually EVER felt ashamed of myself. I have never felt guilty, and I can’t even say that I felt dirty. I recognise that I did not do anything wrong, in those incidents, I was underage, I was sexually exploited, I was sexually assaulted, but I did not choose for those things to happen to me. I am not responsible.

There has been one occasion, however, where I was made to feel ashamed of myself.

This was by a GP.

I went in to ask to change the contraceptive pill I was on, because it had killed my sex drive. Well, I have never felt more embarrassed and more ashamed in all my life. The GP looked me straight in the eyes, and questioned why I would want to be more sexually active, questioned why AS A FEMALE, I would want this. I can’t remember word for word what he said to me, but it was along the lines of “not the sort of behaviour a young lady/you shouldn’t want to change your non-existent sex drive”. He even had the audacity to look embarrassed, talking to me about it. His words left me feeling dirty, ashamed, humiliated.

I blocked out what he said, which is why I can’t remember EXACTLY what he said to me. But I have never been able to block out the feelings that came with his words, the way he made me feel. It angers me to this day that I never spoke up, he was a locum GP, I guess I didn’t see the point. I can’t even remember his name now. The GP did switch the pills for me, I don’t believe he switched me to ones that helped. Maybe I’m being paranoid, but I always wondered if he changed them to another type of pill that kills your sex drive. I might be wrong.

To make a grown woman though, of legal age of consent, to feel ashamed of wanting a sex drive. Well, I think we can all agree that it is HE who should feel ashamed for what he did. Not me.

– A xx

Oh my fucking god! Yes, why on earth would a woman want or need a sex drive? ????

On my old, long-ago blog I often blogged about a slight quibble I had with classical feminism. It was common for them to say patriarchy, sees women as “the sex class.” I sympathize but felt it’s more correct to say patriarchy (a.k.a. vanilla ideology) sees women as “the no-sex class!”

The doctors reaction is a perfect example! Why on God’s green earth would a woman want a sex drive? Men are supposed to want sex. Women are only supposed to want protection, financial support, and babies. Things men should give them in exchange for sex.

The idea that a woman would actually want sex for its own sake just throws that whole transactional model of sex right out the window!

The doctor, brainwashed by the dominant, non-kink paradigm, literally couldn’t conceive of a woman wanting sex.

To which I can only say…