Best way to vet a possible partner when you’re new to the scene? Him coming to my place isn’t an option due to my roommates not knowing anything about my kinks, so that leaves a hotel or his place. I don’t want to be murdered and he’s 17 year older than myself.



Hi, anon!

Let me be as clear as I can be here: your safety should and does override every other possible concern in this situation, including his wants and needs. I’m glad you are wanting to vet this person because it’s important.

First, know that vetting is very common in the BDSM world. It’s a practice that is accepted among community members as normal and natural. If you are going to be potentially putting yourself in a compromising position, you want to know who you are handing that power to.

If this guy claims to be an experienced dominant, you need to be asking him about his experience with the local community and past partners. Do NOT be afraid to ask for names of past partners, and when he gives you these names, do NOT be afraid to reach out to them via social media. If he says he’s active in the local community, reach out to community leaders (you can find out who they are by checking the “Events” tab on fetlife and see who is consistently organizing munches and play parties in your area) and ask those leaders if they know this guy and about his reputation.

I know it can seem awkward to reach out to a stranger asking about a potential partner, but I promise you this is normal and accepted in our world. Community leaders understand vetting and are generally happy to help. And it’s important, too- a friend of mine just recently went through a situation where she was seeing this “dom” who had claimed to be a bigshot in their local kink community at a specific dungeon. He had refused to take this person to the dungeon because she “wasn’t ready yet and needed more training”. When she ran into one of the dungeon leaders by chance and asked about her partner, it turned out nobody knew who he was and he’d never even set foot in that dungeon.

My point is that lying is super easy and if this potential partner of yours has nothing to hide, he won’t mind you looking into him. Some, like myself, even insist on it.

Back before @belovedsangi and I reconnected, I had relationships with other submissive partners. Any time I began a new relationship, I would make sure they knew exactly who I was. Not because I would tell them. Because I would give them references and insist that they check into me. I told them where I had grown up, where I lived, where I worked, where I had gone to school. Before a first play meeting, I would send them a picture of my driver’s license so they knew my full legal name and my address. I’d tell them to look into anything they wanted to and make sure they texted my ID picture to a friend. It was all about full disclosure and making sure that my new partners felt safe. I knew I had nothing to hide, but I wanted *them* to know that as well.

And I get that people at this point may be saying things like “well what about privacy? This seems invasive”. To which I say this: you can certainly have all the privacy you want with strangers, acquaintances, friends, etc. But the moment you are proposing tying someone up and engaging in kink play in a private setting, you are no longer entitled to privacy. They deserve to know exactly who you are.

Now, in addition to vetting through others, you should also be vetting this guy through yourself as well. Do NOT meet with him for a first encounter in a hotel or at his house. Have lunch. Have coffee. Do it in a public place in the daytime and get to know him as a person. Don’t do it just once, either. Make sure you have at least a few extended personal encounters with this guy before you put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. See how he is in person. Look for red-flag behavior. Watch how he treats servers and baristas. See how willing he is to get to know you, not just your kinks.

If he is unwilling to engage in any of this- the vetting, the public dates, the disclosure, etc…that’s a huge red flag and you should stay away. A man with nothing to hide won’t mind you knowing things about him and will want to get to know you. Above all, don’t fall for the biggest bullshit line out there- “I don’t tell people details about me because of my career”. It’s a shitty power move made in an attempt to make themselves seem mysterious and important. But trust me, I’ve seen some horrific shit in my time in this community- don’t ever let your play partner be a mystery to you.

Stay safe, anon!

Popping this one over here too, as part of the reason we run this blog is to encourage safe behavior. If you follow the vetting process above, it’s going to weed out a *lot* of the types of assholes we feature on this blog.


A good Daddy or Dom will want you know this too.  It’s not just about wanting you to feel safe it’s about wanting you to be safe too.

Don’t know if every responsible top feels this way, but knowing that you take responsibility for your own safety before we meet makes it easier to take responsibility from you when you surrender it.