Consent and submission.


That last re blog has made me quite sad. I appreciate my little blog doesn’t have many followers but I wanted to record my thoughts here.

Being submissive at no point takes away your right to say “no”. Ever. At all.

I’ve heard it so many times from subs and littles I’ve met, some are very surprised when their decisions about limits are respected. They go onto explain situations that sound like nothing other than rape.

Saying “no” does not make you a bad submissive (whatever that is) saying “no” should be respected and valued. It should show a Dominant what is acceptable and what certainly isn’t.

Dominants aren’t psychic, we can have a feeling, use previous experiences. But without communication from our submissive we never really know. It’s so important you talk to you Dominant, for 2 reasons I believe.

1 Talk.
It keeps you safe, both of you. Taking control can sometimes mean (without the correct boundaries being defined) that you are both uncomfortable. The submissive wanting it to stop and the Dominant not sure whether to carry on. Talking about what happened before during and after (whatever you feel is appropriate) is always totally fine and should be encouraged. If that isn’t the case, leave. Quickly.

2 Reaction
As a Submissive talking to your Dominant about things you aren’t comfortable with allows you to see how they react.
Do they get angry? React like a spoilt hurt child? Turn their frustrations on you? Insult you? Suggest it’s your fault?
Reactions like these do not suggest they have any of the required emotionally literacy to be a Dominant. At all. You should leave and quickly.

Yes within play you can always agree certain ways to roleplay non-consent but within that you must always have a “stop” method. Otherwise, it’s rape.

Your submission should always be the most valued and treasured aspect of a D/s relationship. Make sure you have a Dominant that makes you know that is the case.

“Being submissive at no point takes away your right to say “no”. Ever. At all.” – mictius

There are some things an actual parent may have to impose on their actual child against their will.  Bedtime.  Fingers out of the light switches.  Medicine or medical procedures.  Homework.  Maybe a few other hard parenting limits like that.

But you know what?  Things a parent or child may have to do has fuck-all to do with what anyone in a relationship has to do.

I mean… ok, people throw a lot of shade at late-70s femnists like Andrea Dworkin and Katharine MacKinnon.  And yeah, they were (and I believe MacKinnon still is) sometimes over-the-top hardasses about consent.

But you know what?  Love ‘em or hate ‘em, without their shock tactics in the fight for the right to say “no” there really wasn’t anything that we’d recognize as a right to say yes!  Because without the meaningful right to say “no,” even in a married relationship let alone a more casual one, there’s no such thing as a meaningful yes.

Even the darkest D/s relationship is a relationship between legal, moral, and factual equals.  Even the most regressed DD/lg or CG/l relationship is a relationship between legal, moral, and factual equals.

And no, it doesn’t matter if the top “knows you can take it, I’ve done this hundreds of times.”  No means no.  Even if it’s just a little ass play.  Even if it’s just eating broccoli!!!  No means no.  

And not “no means no” in bed because morals or “fairness.”  And, god, not because of prudery, squickiness, or even developmental pragmas.  No means no in bed for the same reason no means know if you want to drive my car and I don’t want you to.  Or if I want to take money out of your account and you don’t want me to.  Or if I want to practice judo on you and you don’t want me to.

No means no during sex not because sex is special but sex isn’t special!  No means no because “no” is a foundation of civil society and social comity.  Sex is a sociable behavior.  The whole kerfuffle about sex and consent derives from the insane notion that it somehow isn’t!

(Note for sticklers: in negotiated power-gradient situations no might not mean no, but whatever the safe word sure as bloody hell does!)