Consent Violation – Trigger Warning
**Please know that Crusoe is not the consent violator**
It’s anniversary time, the most unfortunate kind of anniversary. A scene went sideways. I have replayed the scene over and over in my mind. It wasn’t a scene. Fuck that. I called red. It went way beyond red. I called every safe word I knew, I fought, I struggled, but it didn’t stop. We didn’t negotiate a survival scene, but that’s what it turned into. Fight or flight took over, neither won. I called red then just kept breathing until it was over, the scene turned into not a scene. It turned into survival.
I have struggled to say the words “consent violation.” Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was my fault. I know what a lawyer would think, what the police would think. I was the Sexual Assault Victim Intervention counselor at my last command. I know how I would classify what happened if someone came to me.
The shame is all mine, however. I should have known better.
I fucking cleaned him after. I cleaned him. (I am so ashamed and struggle mightily to explain it. I fucking CLEANED him.)
Jesus.
Trembling, I walked to the bathroom, waited for the water to get warm, soaked a washcloth, then walked back where I washed him down.
Then I stepped into the shower (knowing it was the wrong thing to do) until he hollered at me to stop using so much water.
So I finished and went back.
Tentative. Knowing I had displeased him. I reached out to touch his back and he brushed me away. “Stop it!” He spat the words about how ridiculous I was, disparaged the extensive limits list I had provided.
I moved to the other room and laid there awake, uncertain what to do, shaking inside, the taste of vomit in my mouth.
It was the first time we’d met.
He was vetted, recommended in the community. I am an experienced submissive, a heavy bottom. I was in my 40s. A size 12 (fat by everyone’s standards) A single mom. I should be grateful, thankful anyone would even want to entertain me.
My list has always been thorough, if not so detailed, if not so long. I’ve always been (ahem) a bit peculiar, quirky. I’ve accepted that, and I don’t need anyone to tell me what I did wrong. I don’t need anyone to victim shame me, I do a damn fine job all in my own head. I am well aware of my responsibility in things going sideways, but time has passed and I’ve moved forward.
I have a hard limits list that includes tin foil on the teeth (because that is such as common thing) and gelatinous fish (just… WTF??) I surprise myself at times. My list includes shit I survived in SERE school. My former Sir and I both went to SERE school and he never asked me to do anything that we endured there (or anywhere else.)
I’ve been told by different D types that being with me is like being with Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory. Initially, I thought that was a compliment. Maybe not so much. I’m exhausting, relentless in my questioning. My hard limits list is too specific, too ridiculous.
This is what I will say:
No means no.
Your limits list is your list. Period. You don’t need to explain it to anyone.
No matter how you identify, safewords are absolute.
It doesn’t matter whether you are old or you, skinny or fat, experienced or not….
Safewords matter.
It is not your fault.
Don’t worry about what others think because no one else matters when it comes to consent.
Consent is yours to give, not theirs to take.
Be safe my friends.
Want to know why the once-popular porn star James Deen is now persona non-grata on any kind of progressive Tumblr blog? Because he didn’t take no for an answer.
Yeah, yeah, the situation was with a long-time lover. Yes, his long-time lover was also a very popular porn star (Stoya no less.) Yes, they were staying in one of the “suites” at Kink fucking .com. And yes, Kink.com specializes in “consensual” non-consent fucking stunt-porn BDSM (though it’s mostly for rubbernecking geeks who aren’t kinky in any legitimate sense but like to see how much “extreme punishment” ordinary-seeming women “can take.”) And yes, Deen frequently plays a top, and Stoya’s a well-regarded, self-admitted Sub, and they’d worked together earlier that day!
And he came in and started something with her. And she said no. And by all accounts (hers most importantly) he didn’t stop.
No always means no!
- Even if you’re a kinkster.
- Even if you’re a porn star.
- Even if you’re a kinkster porn star.
- Even if you’re a kinkster porn star and it’s your own goddamn lover you’re saying no to.
- Even if you said yes, possibly enthusiastically, just hours before.
So…
Head’s up to all wannabe “Doms,” “Daddies,” “Masters,” and other tops!
And head’s up to all Subs, Littles, Slaves, Pets, and other bottoms and followers!
- No still means fucking no!
- Even if someone said “yes” before you/they traveled to meet you.
- Even if they/you said “yes” hours before.
- Even if you/they said “yes” ten minutes ago!
And can I just put it out there that no Sub should need a safeword in the first place? Because if you’re any kind of top you’re supposed to be fucking paying goddamn attention?
- If they/you don’t stop the instant you/your partner says “no” you’re no longer being lovers.
- If you/they don’t stop the instant somebody uses their safeword you’re no longer doing D/S.
- If you don’t stop the instant somebody says no or uses their safeword you’re a criminal assailant. Boom!
- Not just a dire fucking asshole, a criminal assailant, a sexual assailant, and a goddamn #ItWasMe to their #MeToo.
Just like James Deen. Just like Crusoe’s violator.
If you do it more than once you’re not a Dom you’re a serial predator.
This ain’t rocket science, folks. It’s not even the rules of the road. It’s not even right or wrong or cool or uncool. It’s prosecutable conduct.
And yeah, just so you know, I’m not saying these things because I’m an all-wise, all-knowing bastion of rectitude and virtue. I’m saying these things to keep me honest too.
Because I’m pretty sure James Deen didn’t intend to sexually assault Stoya. It’s relatively likely that Crusoe’s assailant didn’t really think of himself as crossing the line from consensual rough play to criminal sexual assault. But they did. And it’s pretty goddamn easy to think “oh, they’ll get over it.” Or (kink.com-style) “Oh they can ‘take it.’” Or “oh, they’re really getting into character.” Or “funny, this hasn’t ever bothered them before.”
Yeah, they won’t, they can’t, they’re not, and maybe it has. It’s not your decision, it’s theirs.
No means no. Safeword means stop.
Them’s the rules.
It’s not rocket science.
Last point: if you’re topping someone and it occurs to you that you’re so into what you’re doing you couldn’t stop if you wanted to? Use your safeword. And stop. Tops don’t get to be out of control.
If you think otherwise you’re definitely not a top. And you might be a serial predator.
