crpl-pnk:

i want men to be able to emotionally connect with people they don’t plan on having sex with. i want men to stop assuming i am planning on having sex with them because i make an effort to engage with them emotionally. i want men to stop feeling personally betrayed by the fact that i engage deeply & genuinely with people regardless of whether i desire them sexually, because i value people & seek to understand & connect with them regardless of sexual attraction

Would I like to have sex with you? I might! For that matter would you like to have sex with me? Perhaps! Does that have anything to do with whether I’d take steps in that direction?

If you’re not surprised when I say “probably not” it’s because we both understand how improbable it is that we’d both want to enough to overcome all the practicalities that stand in the way of either of us saying yes. And finding time. And not being at least somewhat entangled in other relationships, other interests, other obligations.

And so chances are neither of us would act. Or do more than briefly consider it.

So. Little story.

A friend of a friend (real, someone I met though never said much to) used to stand on a corner in Manhattan and quietly murmur “want to fuck” to every woman who walked by.

Every few days someone said yes.

His success rate was somewhat better than the average singles nightclub “players.”

The point being that lots of women want to fuck. The idea of “sexual scarcity” is more in your head than any kind of fact of life.

And once that realization percolates then the corollary comes through too: everything isn’t just about trying to get laid. Every interaction with a woman doesn’t have to be about getting laid.

And once that notion settles in it’s genuine cool how many awesome, entirely collegial, even affectionate relationships you can have with women.

Note: it’s not like you wouldn’t still check out her butt if she’s cute. Any more than she wouldn’t check out yours.

But the awesome thing about women you’re truly just friends with is… you never become each other’s exes either. And sometimes you even become each other’s confidant, wingman, and lifelong friend.

Sex is surprisingly easy. Friendship is hard. Make friends.