Dear Men Writers











Lesser known facts when writing women:

  • High heeled shoes don’t become flats if you break the heels off.
  • The posts of earrings aren’t sharp.
  • Nail polish takes a long time to dry and smudges when wet.
  • You can’t hold in a period like pee.
  • Inserting a tampon is not arousing or sexual in any way, ever.

Feel free to add your own.

– Bras leave red marks on the skin under and around boobs and it is a magical experience when taken off.

– Make up can take anywhere from 5 to 25 minutes depending on how skilled you are.

– Taking hair out of a ponytail after wearing it for hours does not make it perfectly straight when it comes down.

– Hair when wet sticks to the skin it no longer flows, idiot.

-When women with long hair kiss, turn around, do anything, their hair falls in the way.

– Stockings are itchy and tear like wet paper bags.

– Pantyhose, tights, leggings, and stockings are each different.

– Waxing hurts and leaves red skin for a while afterwards while shaving leaves stubble

– Most can’t run in heels unless they have been VERY worn

– Insecurity in appearance doesn’t mean “buy me a drink”


-Having large breasts sucks. It sucks beyond belief.  If a garment happens to fit your large chest, odds are it won’t fit the rest of you. Underboob sweat is real and terrible. Bending over for extended periods of time will tweak your back out. Running can be painful due to boob turbulence. Bras are hella expensive. Big breasts are not fun.

We have never, ever looked in a mirror and silently described our nude bodies to ourselves, especially the size/shape/weight/resemblance to fruit/etc. of our breasts.

Boob turbulence

If you are large breasted, if you run, you will hear your boobs slapping. It is painful and awful.

If you are large breasted and learn to shoot an M-16 or any other rifle, you will not only have bruises in the pocket of your shoulder, you will likely have bruises on your boobs untiil you figure out what “tucking the butt of the rifle in the pocket of your shoulder” actually means.

If you have big boobs, they make slapping sounds while you’re having sex cowgirl-style.

THIS IS EPIC!!!! I am laughing to hard to add anything… but I love it!!


Taking off your heels is just as magical as taking off your bra.

Physically holding your big boobs in place with your hands is advisable when doing things like running down the stairs. Also, going for a run with natural D’s requires two sports bras, one over the other. Also, big boobs sag with age because GRAVITY.

You know how crumbs can sometimes get stuck in your beard? Yeah, crumbs fall into cleavage, and then get hella uncomfortable in there if they’re dry/sharp crumbs.

PMS is a thing that happens regularly to lots of women in real life, but somehow never to women in fiction written by men. Boobs hurt, bloat happens and then you don’t fit into any of your pants, acne appears out of nowhere, food cravings are a bitch, general irritability and discomfort for no reason whatsoever for days at a time – let’s all stop pretending it’s not a thing. It is totally a thing.

Whoever said that makeup takes 5-25 minutes, I disagree. More like 5 minutes – 1.5 hours. Contouring takes forever.

Women without makeup are invisible. Seriously, it’s like magic. That, or “you look tired/sick”. Nope, that’s just my face, thanks.

Female orgasms don’t just happen automatically 30 seconds after dick insertion.

We are taught to be afraid of strange men because we will be blamed for whatever they do to us. “Well, what did she expect? She should’ve known better!” – gets said by men and other women, all the time.

Wine and cheese totally counts as dinner when work sucks.

  • Hymens aren’t somewhere midway or deep inside the vagina.
  • Virgins aren’t any “tighter” than non-virgins.
  • Eight or nine inches isn’t “average.”
  • A plug, dildo, or dick feels about the same in her as as in yours.  Write accordingly.
  • The “morning after pill” doesn’t make unprotected sex safe for the rest of the month(!!!!!)