Death of the Daddy Dom


Today, I came to a realization …

During a conversation with a dear friend of mine, it was brought up that upon my blog I still sported the Dd/lg in my bio. It was during this conversation that I happily removed the title from my blog, and there are some very specific reasons why. For about the last month I have grown very aware how much I am not a Daddy Dom. I do not belong amongst the plethora of Daddy Doms in the Tumblrverse. There are several reasons, but I will be blunt and put it as clearly as I can. I do not coddle, I do not enable, and I do not tolerate bullshit.

Based on what I have seen on Tumblr, these appear to be the essential properties of a Daddy Dom. They breed borderlines, that’s right .. I went there. They culture drama and selfishness. They devolve from dominants to doormats, and I will be no such thing. The Tumblrverse shows that Dd/lg is nurturing, caring, and sweet and kind. From what I have seen, these would be qualities of any good dominant, not traits reserved to Dd/lg. Tumblr gave me the disbelief that Disney movies, blankets, and comfort items were exclusive to Dd/lg. However, I feel it is more accurate to say these are just simply aftercare tools.

For my own mental health care, for my sanity, I am choosing to grow the fuck up. Out with the old, in with the older. When I first entered D/s I was not a Daddy, and I was better for it. I was more structured, I was happier. It’s time to kill the Daddy Dom, it’s time for me to better myself and be the dominant I know I can be.

For those of you who do not understand, ask away. If this offends you, zero fucks given.

Have a nice day, drive safe, tip your waitress.


i have a lot to say in response to this. i’ve been dealing with some very similar issues D/s identity-wise for a loooong time, and am still formulating how to best talk about it. because it’s extremely valid and necessary to do so, in the full picture of my own personal experience. i have a lot to say about why i’ve arrived where i have as it relates to prior experiencing these dynamics.

but for now, friend, i’m super proud of you. much respect for your courage about this in the Tumblrverse of it all. 

i hope everyone reading this also realizes that this is you speaking for you.

cheers, my man.

Why stop there? Let’s get rid of Littles, Babygirls/boys, Princesses, etc… After all, many of them are bratty to the point of defiant and don’t seem to understand submission either. Or they push their neediness and desire to be coddled as you say. I understand the main points and agree with much of it. I’m just curious why we’re only addressing the Dom side of this equation? You’re pointing out a dynamic that in your opinion doesn’t work and yet there are two people interacting in this relationship. To let Littles (and similar types) off the hook is almost insulting to their sense of agency (they were part of establishing the agreement, yes?) and therefore their corresponding responsibility for the dynamic.

I’m not sure exactly where I stand vis-a-vis the condemnation of an entire community. Are some or even many of these relationships unhealthy? Sure. Does that mean the concept/approach is wrong or that the norms of behavior for Daddy Doms and their bottoms need refinement (i.e. nurturing with firmness)? I’ve seen some amazing D/s relationships on here that may not use the Daddy/little label but encompass everything I imagine when I think of DD/lg dynamics (perhaps minus age regression). Those that I admire are flexible with respect to the rules and structure but are not coddling. Maybe I’m just not as familiar with the dynamic that you see as coddling.

I would be very interested to learn more about your take on Daddy Doms and borderline. Do they cause or exacerbate it or are these types of Daddies drawn to women who already have borderline tendencies?

Respect your personal opinion and look forward to seeing what more you and others have to say on this topic. Fascinating line of inquiry, mate.


There is a lot of content within this that I would like to address, so I
will start at the top and work my way down.

Why stop there? Well, this is about my own personal development. I am not a
little, nor any form of submissive. I would question if I missed my mark, but in
the last twelve hours I have received a lot of positive feedback to this post.
I stopped at the death of the Daddy Dom because that is the only part that I
needed to address within myself. This is internal, completely internal. In the
original post I actually point out the fact that I am doing this to better myself,
to become a better dominant. At no point do I feel like this needs to address
the other side of the relationship. And so, I stop there. By understanding the
main points that is all that is really needed, it is not me anymore, I am removing
it from my blog. No continuation is needed.

Now, I am glad that you can see I am done with being a Daddy Dom, but “condemnation
of an entire community” isn’t even close to my message. My message is “I am not
going to identify as a Daddy Dom. These are the negative behaviors I have seen across
the masses of most of the self-proclaimed Daddy Dom blogs on Tumblr. I find
these behaviors to not reflect me. For my peace of mind, I shall remove myself
from said community.”

If you are referring to the comment on breeding borderlines, I am coming at
this from both a member of the community and as a mental health professional. I
have worked in psychology for years and I firmly believe that the ocean of
Daddy Dominants on Tumblr provides a perfect environment for individuals in the
online BDSM community who engage in attention seeking behavior. I don’t mean
bratty submissive types, I mean individuals who will toy and manipulate with
people because they want someone to pay attention to them. Someone who needs to
always be the center of the universe. I am aware this happens outside of Dd/lg,
but in my years in the community, seeing other Dd/lg relationships, and talking
to many other members … its fucking terrifying how much I not only see those
traits, but how often I see those behaviors encouraged by the Daddy Dom. Some Daddy
Doms actually refer to these behaviors as cute. That is what I mean by enabling,
it is encouraging and reinforcing unhealthy behaviors.

For your final two questions …

Yes, I believe some of the Daddy Doms are making it worse and encouraging
those behaviors. Yes, I believe some Daddies are drawn to those traits because
as a collective it is being normalized.

I equally respect your opinion and I thank you for addition, it gave me an
opportunity to clear up any confusions.


several things i’d like to add:

1.  big relatable feels on clarification that his primary purpose for writing is for his own personal development. i frequently reiterate myself when i write things about bdsm that i am providing perspective based on my own experience. and that’s it. if anyone gets this twisted further, they aren’t listening or choose not to. and hey, that’s also their prerogative.

2.  i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: oftentimes there are things never spoken of or said aloud on bdsm Tumblr that very much need to be. the “Elephants In The Room” sort of stuff. @instructor144‘s post titled “Shitty Subs” is one of them, for example. @belovedsangi voiced her own concerns about certain community subset on Tumblr in a post last year as well, as did @acuddlydom. not everyone agreed, there was lively, sometimes dissenting discussion, but the overall point is this:  there was finally some fucking discussion.  

3.  what i also get from this post apart from @natural-alpha’s goals in personal development is that he’d like problematic behaviors to be at least recognized and examined, for the betterment and health of the bdsm tumblr community in general (not that i want to speak for him, so please correct me if i’m wrong on that.) but like, that isn’t an awful thing? I’d hate to see an “America! Love or Leave It” mentality come at him because of this, because aren’t those who critique the problems they see in a place that they love so much also the ones that want to see it improve and best thrive? 

just my thoughts. 

this took courage, NA.  cheers to you. :)

I support @natural-alpha and @calikink for this discussion And @danipup for bringing it out of the Tumblr sea and into my feed.

I do not see the post as the condemnation of an entire community. I see it as a caution to a portion of our community, to not let natural tendencies slide too far, and as one Dom’s self assessment (and correction) of his own behavior, which deserves kudos for doing the hardest work one can (on yourself).

Nancy, the Domme I trained under, had a very materialistic view of the world in many respects. Slaves were owned. People paid her (and her slaves) for their time. The Corvette does not tell the Owner whether the Owner can drive the Mustang or not. But of all of them, the one she was most certain of, was that brattiness was disrespect. It was not to be tolerated, and was ruthlessly eliminated. She never could have gotten close to a Mommy/little relationship.

But in the decades since, I have seen healthy Daddy/little relationships and Mommy/little relationships that have stood the test of time. I have never had one. Not surprisingly, I share much of the outlook Nancy had, as her acolyte for almost a decade. But I support poly, as she did, and I support the choice every Dom/Domme makes in accepting the gift of their submissives, and the right for them to decide what is right for them 

There are many parts of BDSM I do not personally care for or enjoy. But I will support your right to enjoy them. Sometimes, there need to be guard rails in  place. Caution signs. Do not exceed signs. Do not wax until you know what the fuck you are doing signs. Do not rope until you know what the fuck you are doing signs. Do not do blood or knife play until you know what the fuck you are doing play (and for some of us, like @instructor144 and myself with pocket knives, that may be never). Find a mentor. Learn from our great and wonderful community. But respect that what is not for you may not be wrong, just needing some perspective and constraints. But in the end, it isn’t your relationship. Don’t tell me how to live mine. I might tell you how to live yours. We are both going to have to agree that is OK, especially when I ignore your advice and you ignore mine. But at least listen and try to understand.

I’ve always been ambivalent about Dd/Lg for the same reasons as

. As a lifestyle, if it’s kept to a kind of play with some undertones in real life, I could understand it. While I usually refer to what I like to do as “play”, I’ll never accept that it’s only play (because BDSM and D/s is an expression of something–often something dark–within its practitioners and isn’t just harmless play with no relevance outside the scene or playacting). But having grown up with a mother and brother with BPD I could only think of how this was the kind of thing that would be a gift to someone who otherwise needed to take stock of themselves and gain some perspective. I could jive with the kink, but not with the “lifestyle” part.

D/s and BDSM has always had an element of self-improvement and self-awareness about it, and sometimes the way I’ve seen Dd/Lg expressed seems (from the outside looking in) to be the opposite of that.

Perhaps there’s a line of self awareness that would prevent it from becoming destructive, and I have defended Dd/Lg from kink critical types (though only because they tend to use the veil of criticism as an excuse to get into other people’s business), but when it comes to this community it’s the Dd/Lg types that I–admittedly–have always been cautious around.

I also admit I could be wrong about it all, but I’m glad to see I’m not the only one that has had these thoughts aside from the aforementioned “kink critical”.

And (as a somewhat related aside) as someone who is still very inexperienced, I am appreciative of those who have repeatedly advised caution and understanding before proceeding with any element of kink.

I’d like to weigh in as a Daddy Dom who, perhaps ironically, has almost no interaction with any DD/lg community, neither on Tumblr nor in person.

I am a Daddy because that role is most suited to my temperament. I’ve been a father for a long time. It comes naturally to me. Structure. Discipline. Nurturing. Guiding. Supporting. Protecting. My little girl is 39 years old, but part of me will always look on her with the eyes of a father.

And like any good father, along with encouraging my little girl to grow and better herself, to play and maintain her sense of wonder at the world, I also give her structure, routine, and discipline. I would never tolerate brattines from my children, wouldn’t countenance rudeness or selfish behavior. I carry those same expectations into my D/s relationship.

I have only recently gotten involved with the BDSM community on Tumblr, and that’s specifically because, when I began exploring the kinky side of Tumblr, it was the DD/lg sect that I first encountered. I didn’t see a lot of cute little girls with pacifiers and tail plugs and adorable dresses. I saw narcissism, rampant materialism, overt selfishness, and the glorification of disobedient behavior. I saw Daddies depicted as heroes so long as they pampered their littles and indulged their every kink and whim. And I saw Daddies condemned and shamed if they dared display any human failings or expect a little to behave like a rational adult in a power exchange relationship. This was not my idea of DD/lg. In fact, I’ve since mostly abandoned that label for the dynamic that I practice because I don’t in any way want to be associated with such childish and destructive behavior. It was an enormous relief when I happened upon @instructor144 and, through him, the lovely folks who make up the Tumblr BDSM community of which I’ve become so fond.

I greatly appreciate @natural-alpha for initiating this conversation about a dynamic that is very dear to my heart, and to the others who’ve joined in and added their wisdom. These conversations help us combine our collective knowledge and experience to improve ourselves in our relationships, as well as serving as a meeting place for like-minded individuals who thought they might be alone in their controversial views.

I will continue to be a Daddy Dom, and to be the best one that I can be, and to hope that, in some small way, I might one day be a positive example for someone. And I will continue to cultivate platonic relationships with littles who don’t fit in with the cool crowd of narcissists and pretenders, so that maybe I can give them a glimmer of hope of finding the kind of Daddy they need. Maybe our dynamic will need to develop new terminology, new titles, new methods of understanding the psychology behind our particular brand of Dominance and submission. But whatever changes occur, I will always cherish hearing my Babygirl call me “Daddy.”

Awesome conversation!  Hat’s off to natural-alphazardoz2469definingthedarkness, and of course danipup for being part of it!  I go sort of the other way on this, having spent waayyyy too long trying to be a Dom before discovering I’m a Daddy.  That’s Daddy not Daddy Dom.  It’s a more natural place for me to be and since discovering it I’ve been extraordinarily happy.

Having spent time in both worlds, and having been pretty fucking uncomfortable in the D/S universe, I could easily see myself casting the same sorts of aspersions the other way.  (Actually, especially early on I cast quite a few aspersions!)  For every story, above, about egotistical, narcissistic bratty Littles I could tell you about 23:59/7-isn’t-enough / that’s-your-job-”sir” lazy-assed Subs who a) don’t want to make any decisions but b) have a hell of a lot of opinions about how you aren’t doing it right because c) in all the romance novels the Manly Dom always does X, Y, or Z!

But either one of those statements about Littles or Subs would be as stupidly stereotyped as saying all “the gays” are hairdressers, carry purses, and wish they were a girlie just like their dear pa-pas.  Or, conversely, saying all evangelicals handle snakes, beat their children, and voted for the pussy grabber in chief. ????  Because nope. 

The Littles/Subs/LGBT/Evangelicals someone uses to form their stereotypes ≠ all the Littles/Subs/LGBT/Evangelicals.  Not even the tip of the iceberg.

I think a more workable way to discuss it is to say that… well… the partners you found when you were exploring XYZ kink weren’t for you.  And you’re happier with the partners who are into the kink you can finally call home.

This does not mean there aren’t plenty of assholes, posers, users, and head cases in the communities you’re not part of.  Aahaha, yeah, no.  It’s just way easier to tolerate and/or ignore the ones in the kink you like because you can filter them out in favor of the majority who are somewhere between harmless and fucking awesome.  Same as all the other kinks.

But I’d like to get back to natural-alpha’s very serious mental-health-professional point: individuals with very real vulnerabilities, dysfunctions, and predatory behaviors who can also find “homes” in different kink communities.  And generally stink up the joint.  They’re there in any community, kink or non-kink. (Baz Luhrmann’s Strictly Ballroom explores this in exquisitely painful detail!)  They’re especially problematic in power-exchange communities.  Including the ones we fit into perfectly.

The question for me, then, isn’t whether Cg/L has more codependence and enabling (or whether D/S has more disassociation and predation, or S&M has more PTSD and psychopathology, or swingers have more straight-up cheaters, findom has more grifters, etc.)  The question is what to do about them whether it’s your community or not?