Do you think older doms are better, or that younger people have to wait to call themselves doms?


Short answer? Nah. That’s overly simple and reductive thinking, and I’m not a big fan of gatekeepy bullshit.

I have met too many older doms who clung to toxic attitudes, and too many younger doms who blew me away with their maturity and perspective, to think for a second that it has anything to do with age.

What it has to do with, anon, is attitude and experience.

Without fail, the best, most effective dominants I know have held an attitude of “I can always learn”. Without fail, the shittiest, most ineffective and toxic doms I have met have taken an attitude of “I know it all and I don’t need input”.

It’s all about the approach, first and foremost.

One guy I met up in North Carolina in particular comes to mind here: he was 24. The same age I was when I started. But this guy, he had already been through his Old Guard training. He had been learning for years. He had opened his mind to different perspectives, taken input from dominants and submissives alike. His perspectives, his overall mindset were phenomenal.

In short, he was way, way ahead of where I was at his age. And it was all because he came into it with the attitude of a student. He humbled himself from the get-go and made it a point to constantly improve himself and expand his knowledge. Trust me, I would’ve recommended that guy as a dominant in a heartbeat, despite his age. He’ll go places.

What I do have a problem with, though, is random ass people of *any* age finding out about BDSM and saying “oh, that’s cool, I’m a Dom now!”.

That’s like finding out about airplanes and deciding you are now a pilot.

If you are going to have someone’s life in your hands, which, make no mistake, we do, you have to be willing to learn and earn. Learn your craft and earn their trust. You have to be willing to do what it takes to educate yourself and you have to be willing to be trained. How in the hell could you expect someone to trust you with their mental and physical well-being otherwise?

The wise man is the man who understands that he knows nothing, right?

I understand how tempting it is to think you can just “figure it out”. Dude, that’s how I started. I was dead wrong and other people paid the price for my arrogance.

It’s isn’t about age, anon. It’s about willingness to learn and to do the work. That’s what separates the wheat from the chaff in this lifestyle.


Speaking as someone who’s old enough to be your father, no.  Experience matters, but that’s true for everything.  The trick is that more experience doesn’t necessarily matter much more.

Speaking only for myself I was far more dominant in my late teens than I was much later in life.  

There’s a trick to that though too.  When one is young one may know you’re kinky but you may not know what kind of kinky you are.  When you’re just getting started you’ll have heard of maybe 10 different possibilities, and it’s natural to pigeonhole yourself.  “Well, I’m not into furries or Littles or ropes, but I like the reaction my girlfriend had when I playfully spanked her… so I must be a Dom.”  And so you announce yourself a Dom, start doing Dom things, and… well, a lot of the time it’s great, actually.  Other times it’s never quite what you want – the initial thrill diminishes over time rather than growing.  Maybe your partners always seem a little fussy.

You start to look around a bit, read a bit, end up with a more experienced lover or friend who says “you know, you seem more like a…”  And suddenly the scales fall from your eyes and you go ahh ha!

Bottom line is as long as you’re respectful, curious, and generous there’s no obligation to wait to be an excellent lover in any capacity.

I’d add (as I often do) that the same applies for Submissives.  Or Masochists or Rope Tops or furries.  BDSM is a whole alphabet soup.  Not just a spectrum but an entire palette!  But if you don’t play you won’t learn.