Good night Instructor. I wanted to get your opinion in a trend I see overrunning the community. Is monogamy a dead concept? Recently I’ve noticed more and more formerly monogamous people involved in poly relationships and it’s leaving my very disenchanted as I’m strongly monogamous and can’t be in a poly relationship. Now I’m not judging to each their own but it’s making me feel like I’ll never find someone in this community unless I’m willing to compromise on being monogamous. Thanks in advance



I suspect it just seems that way because poly folks are maybe a novelty, so we notice them more? Have no fear, monogamy is the norm in D/s just as it is in the vanilla world.

Disenchanted: disappointed by someone or something previously respected or admired; disillusioned. “He became disenchanted with his erstwhile ally”

Overrun: spread over or occupy (a place) in large numbers. “the Mediterranean has been overrun by tourists” synonyms: invade, storm, occupy, swarm into, surge into, inundate, overwhelm. “guerrillas overran the barracks”

Oh my @anon, I’m afraid your language choice betrays your denial of “not judging…”

But, let’s break this down a bit more….

No one in our community expects anyone to “compromise” their sexuality (or morals, or religious dictates, etc.), whether we’re talking heteronormative vanilla sexuality or genderfluid homosexuality. And that certainly includes monogamy or polyamory.

And rest assured, “serial monogamy” is still the norm. So monogamous folks far out number polyamorous folks, EVERYWHERE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

I suspect that what you mean by monogamy is sexual exclusivity. But even that “narrow” definition is still squishy. Is using porn by a partner okay? How about if the porn’s engaged in together? Is masturbating while fantasizing about any other human or their parts okay? What if it’s done together? You can see where clear definitions come into play in this topic …

And since so much of D/s has nothing to do with genetalia, what you see here in Tumblr may not actually fit your definition of “poly.” My primary example being a newly self discovered subby girl in a heteronormative marriage now labels herself poly because she is in an LDR D/s relationship as well – a D/s relationship where none of their genetalia leaves the marriage bed.

Polyamory is the new “gay,” so to speak. Poly folk are coming out and not staying shadowed and closeted. They are openly living together in loving families and want what I suspect you want too – to live and love in peace without fear of losing their home, their children, or their job.

Oh, and on the topic of closets, are you out? Loud and proud about being a member of “this” community? (I presume you mean D/s, BDSM, kink community.) Or are you all too aware of the risk of doing so in this vanilla run world? So maybe Tumblr or other online spaces is the ONLY safe and welcoming place where you can freely embrace your identity?

So just imagine how some happy little poly triad living a closeted life – where choosing every word correctly at work is a life or death problem – just trying to be a family feels reading that in the one place where they can just breathe free for one fucking minute is suddenly a place where they’re seen as “overrunning” and have left others “disenchanted?”

Rest assured anon that your odds of encountering a strictly monogamous person in our community is still in at least the 90% range. Or did you not know that majority of our community isn’t actually on Tumblr?

Hey here’s one to ponder ….

I was married in my family church over 30 years ago and am still happily married, head over heels in love with my Husband and very best friend. Neither of us were virgins when we got together. To the outside world we appear the typical middle class, white, heteronormative couple. All you know about us sexually is we are into BDSM, love kinky fuckery and deliciously slutty, hot BDSM porn. Knowing nothing else, do I count as your idea of monogamous?

What if I add in that I’m pansexual (you might call it bisexual)? What if we’ve been to sex clubs and dungeons damn near drowning in kinky fuckery all around us? What if we’ve had sex right in the middle of a room full of others having sex? Do we still count as one of the good one’s in your book? What if we’ve fucked each other watching porn? What if He’s grabbed a lifelike dildo molded from another man’s cock while He fucks my throat telling me what a perfect cock hungry slut I am – or do you draw the line at actually attached to its owner cocks as no longer “monogamous?”

And here’s a little mind fuck for you….

What if only one of us is sexually exclusive, self identified monogamous, but the other has more partners and is self identified polyamorous? Maybe we call it a “mixed marriage?” Does the “monogamous” person still count as monogamous to you?

Words and their definition matter. So, define what monogamous means for you. Put that right up front with everyone you encounter. And then refuse to waste your time with anyone who isn’t in 100% agreement with your defintion and wants the same thing in any future relationship.

Oh, and realize that you still have no idea if we’re monogamous or polyamorous.

The only way to know is to tell us your definition and then ask us outright.

@submissive-seeking handled the judgment part pretty thoroughly. I’d soften it a bit by adding that, yes, when restrictions on one”s kinks or fetishes drastically narrow your opportunities for sexual fulfillment it can be seriously frustrating. And easy to blame others. Unfairly. With the result, sometimes, that you alienate those who might sympathize.

Instead I’ll retell my parable of the college sophomore who believes everyone but them started having sex in high school… little knowing that half of all college students still haven’t had sex by the end of their sophomore year.

The moral of my parable is that no, the anon isn’t the only monogamous Sub. Instead, almost all D/S kinksters are monogamous. Just like them.

Little tip: as with incorrectly mortified sophomores who lie and bluster about their experience, one hell of a lot of kinksters lie and bluster about being poly.

Doms, Daddies, Masters, for instance, might talk a big game. Consider calling their bluffs. I often say a kink relationship is still a relationship, but that cuts both ways. You may Submit to someone without swallowing any bullshit.