hey there, i was hoping you could lend some advice about bottoming. we’re both switches, but i really prefer to top; during the moment, however, i can seem to be really into it. truth is, my mind is wired the entire time and i’m overthinking, even though i come. we do long sessions of after-care, but emotions like inferiority etc. can stay for days. frequently bottoming leaves me emotionally sensitive afterwards but i don’t wanna take that enjoyment away from her; i want it perfect for her :((
If I can try to paraphrase it sounds like you’re up for bottoming for your switch-y partner, but instead of dropping into subspace you still keep that hyper-awareness that comes naturally to tops. Sounds like the kind of topping she likes leaves you feeling inferior and jumpy for days after, even though she tries to do good aftercare for you. And finally, you want her to enjoy herself too but it’s coming at your expense. Does all that sound about right?
I’m going to invite you to try on that you’re not really a switch. Not saying you aren’t, just asking you to consider what if you’re not.
If you were always a top, even when you let her play with you, you could keep the topping hierarchy in mind:
- Sub’s needs
- Dom’s needs
- Dom’s wants
- Sub’s wants
A good top “wants it perfect” for their partner. That’s you. A good top never loses control and stays vigilant to what’s going on instead of going into subspace and letting their partner be responsible. That sounds like you too!
I’m suggesting this in part because if you were (literally, in this case) “topping from the bottom” in the sense that you were indulging your partner by letting her perform specific tasks then many of her words and actions might tend to roll off her back rather than land hard on you.
You’re vigilant (not “overthinking”) so while you’re indulging her you could at least mentally be adding “good girl, look at you topping me” each time she tries something. Of course you don’t need to let her know.
The above would be a way for you to address her (occasional, right?) needs.
Now. Using our little thought experiement let’s look at your needs because “Dom’s needs” comes second on that list. It sounds like your partner may be topping you in ways that make her happy but leave you rattled. Does that sound right?
Turn it around and say “if I was topping her in ways I wanted that left her rattled for days, how would I change things up?” If she had real Dom tendencies she’s check in with you and make her own adjustments, really clarify your boundaries with you, and play inside those boundaries.
And if you were a real Dom (as I suspect) you’d probably not consider your own feelings, figuring you could adjust/accommodate to meet hers. (Though, really, Doms and Daddies have to have their own boundaries and limits as well, they’re usually unconscious since as the initiator you’re going to tend not to do things that push your boundaries.)
She may want to top you certain ways, but you need to be topped in ways that don’t leave you feeling let down and jumpy for days after. In the D/S stack your needs as the Dom comes higher than her wants.
Finally, you want to let her “top” you. Just not necessarily the way she wants to. In the D/S stack your wants come higher than hers. So…
Alright. All of the above was just a thought experiment. You may both really be switches. But looking at how things might go if you were an indulgent Dom you can see some steps you might take to protect yourself.
TBH it still sounds to me like you’re a top and she’s not, or she’s not a very good one. But even if that’s not the case, here’s a little tip:
The steps I outlined above are still pretty good things a switch or Sub can do to protect themselves and enjoy themselves as well with a less experienced or less responsible partner!
Best of luck to you and your partner. Feel free to share this with her and see what she thinks. I really do hope you can both to be able to enjoy yourselves no matter how you play. Let me know what you think.
