Hi! I’m the girl who asked about not being able to cum when my husband is in me. I think people aren’t understanding the question. I play with my clit and I can get there, but unless he pulls out, I can’t get my body to cum. So literally I can’t cum with him in me (fingers, dick, anything). Thanks so much!

Haven’t read it for years (decades!?!?!) but Shere Hite mentioned this in her giant survey of women’s sexuality from the late 1970s.  The important thing is that the anon isn’t the only one.

Heteronormative attachment to coming on Teh Cock runs deeply enough that you can find all kinds of advice from an astonishing array of sources.  (If asked my approach would be neural-pathway development – most of us take a long time to learn to come from body positions, conditions, and stimulation we didn’t initially learn to come from.  But for some people that can take years, some people never succeed, and more importantly please don’t ask me because it’s not the right question!

The right question is why do any of us need come a particular way with our partners?

Let’s turn this around for a minute (my favorite tactic, evidently) and consider men who are very quick to come during intercourse.  It’s not at all unreasonable – in fact it’s “medically indicated!” – for the man to ask to stop all motion or to withdraw completely when he’s very, very close so that he won’t come.  Right?  Right!

So is it that odd or different or weird or wrong to ask your partner to stop or withdraw completely when you’re very, very close so you can come? No.  Not really.

Turning it around a different way, in sex-advice columns you’ll often hear of men who have a hard time coming from intercourse or fellatio and need to pull out and masturbate when they’re finally ready to come.  If you watch porn you’d get the impression the problem was pandemic! 

For the record (again, not my advice) the anon might consider the advice offered to men: moderate your masturbation techniques to more closely resemble the conditions of partner sex; be patient as this can take months or years.

And what the heck, you can actually take that advice – it often works!  But in the mean time…

If everything else about sex feels good then please don’t worry that you your orgasms don’t happen the “right” (i.e. heteronormative, phallocentric, straight-ass vanilla) way.  And as long as you can come don’t let your partner(s) worry about it either. 

  1. Most women and many men don’t come during penetrative sex.
  2. There’s not a wrong way to have an orgasm!

[Pedantic-preemption note: While I thoroughly understand criticism of her data collection methodology there’s no reason to dispute her categorization – properly random sampling might change the distribution across categories such as position preference or masturbation methods or likelihood of orgasms but it would be unlikely to invalidate the categories themselves.]