Hi! it’s the 19 y/o again. I just started college, the guy i’m talking to is 34. I’ve only hung out with him twice bc of distance n lack of cars, but this last time was amazing. no one has ever made me feel like that sexually or even just in general. He won’t give me a clear answer as to what we are and i just really wanna be with him. I’m also scared i’ll fuck it up because i have an eating disorder and bad depression. I always feel like no one can handle me or love me..
Part 2: still the 19 year old.. but i just wanted to add that college has been a bit rough. My eating disorder has not been kind and i’ve gained a little weight and it’s really wrecking me. i think that he won’t like me anymore or that i’m not attractive. i just have so much going through my head … ahhhh.. thank you
Thanks for checking in!
First of all can I just say congratulations! I remember you from last time. I’m glad things are working out with your partner. And can I just say it sounds like they really are working out?
Let me say that again. You’ve known him online and gotten along. You’ve met him twice and the last time was amazing! Sounds like things are really working out!!!!
Good for you! Good for him. Lucky you! And lucky him too! Because you’re probably pretty wonderful. If you weren’t there wouldn’t have been a second time, would there?
Ok. So now a little tough love. It might not last! Sure. You might let your anxiety and your eating disorder mess things up. Or he could never give you a clear answer… or even have a clear answer! Or distance could become too much of an obstacle. Or he could fall for someone else. Or, let’s be real, you could fall for someone else!
Shit like that can happen to the best relationships.
But here’s the trick: the measure of a deep, meaningful, awesome, and fullfilling relationship is not how long it lasts.
There used to be this old guy on the radio who’d do a shoutout to people who’d been married 50, or 75, or 90 years! I think they do this on morning TV shows as well. But, question: do you think most of those couples were happy for all 50 or 75 or 90 years?
You can actually have a perfect relationship in 24 hours – with a beautiful beginning, middle, and ending. One you’ll never forget. Even if you’re never be able to recapture it, even if, as in the Before Sunrise trilogy of movies, you’re able to reconnect years later.
There was a dessert chain in my town years ago. Their motto was “life is uncertain, eat dessert first.” Ironically they owners eventually lot interest, the quality went down, and they went out of business. I still miss them from their early days, even though I never went towards the end of their run.
Relationships can be like that. Including yours. It might last forever. It might not last much longer at all. But! Here’s the trick. As with that dessert chain, always honor the person you met, not the person you broke up with!
Not everyone’s made for each other. Not every time is the right time for a relationship to work. Sometimes things go great but your lives take different paths.
That’s all ok! The only “should” or “shouldn’t” in any of that is if you make a breakup a judgment about you.
I get that you’re dealing with depression and an eating disorder. I get that you’re struggling in college and it could be that your eating disorder is part of the problem. I get that you and your sweetie live far apart. I get that he doesn’t seem ready to commit to something with you.
Gonna sound funny, but none of those have anything to do with whether you’ll work out. I won’t have anything to do with it working out. It won’t have anything to do with not working out.
Instead it’ll be something completely oddball and out of the blue. Because love and relationships are like that.
But if it works out it won’t be because you’re a celestial superstar – lots of perfectly mediocre, doughy, underachieving, mopey, unlucky people have awesome relationships that last a lifetime. But if it doesn’t work out it won’t be because you’re mediocre, doughy, mopey, underachieving, or mopey. Because lots of stellar, super-fit, high-achieving, upbeat people can’t find love in a sleeping bag with a flashlight.
It won’t be you. It won’t even be him!
So….
That’s all my way of addressing your fears. They’re real fears and I want to acknowledge them. But! They’re not true fears! If that makes sense. You’re worried because you feel great and you don’t want this awesome feeling to end. And so you’re kind of making shit up because that’s what us human beings do – we can’t help ourselves! And you’re a wonderful human being, and because you’re a human being you can’t help yourself any more than the rest of us can.
One last thing: I hate, hate, hate pulling the age card. (I almost always have my tongue in my cheek when I say “older, experienced” in my caption.) But in this case I’m going to say it anyway.
Be happy with this relationship and don’t worry about it ending or falling apart. Really! The biggest fear I’ve noticed in myself and in others is “I’ll never love again.” Or maybe “I’ll never love like this again.” But really, you will! You’ll love this guy and if you do you’ll find you love him more and more. Or when this one ends, and you think the world’s going to fall apart and your life is over, you’ll meet someone else. And discover it gets better!
Even for depressed people. Even for people with eating disorders. Even people in college. Even people with older partners. Even people with partners far away. And even when your last relationship included moments that no one else had ever made you feel like either sexually or in general.
Here’s the trick with that: you were able to feel that!!! Yes, you felt it with him, but you felt that!
Someone once told me they realized every one of their exes had only one thing in common: them. And they said once they realized that they were able to find a partner that they’ve been with ever since. Not because the other person was wonderful, and definitely not because that person “finally completed them.” But because they realized they didn’t need someone else to “complete them.”
So they stopped looking for something in everyone else.
You said way up at the top that you’re worried you’re going to “fuck it up.” Eh. Maybe so! But I’m going to say I bet you won’t! That makes two equally unfounded opinions. Choose which one you like better, though!
Why am I going on and on with personal histories and stories about movies, and unfounded opinions, and blah, blah, blah? Easy!
I’m doing it because I want you to feel confident and encouraged, and not to worry that you might fall because if you do you’ll know you can get back up again.
Because if you’re not afraid of failing – at love, life, or poker – your chance of success goes through the roof.
Finally, yeah, he might not be willing to say “what you are” yet. To be honest it’s kind of early days. It’s possible he’s worried you’re too good to be true and worried that he’ll fuck it up, just like you are! That’s what I mean by it might not be you!
Be as generous to yourself as you want to be to your new sweetie. Even if you aren’t “made for each other” you’re still probably both pretty awesome human beings.
Best of luck!
