How do you feel about the idea that a person’s value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on that person? Do you think it is possible that they are so busy you wouldn’t hear from them for days at a time but it has nothing to do with how they feel about you?

Sorry I couldn’t answer this earlier.  This is a very important question!

The short answer is no, no matter how busy, depressed, or under the weather, a partner should always find a way to check in.  

That said… I’m actually really fucking terrible at this!  I think a lot of hard-core introverts are.  You’d think that since I’m physically very affectionate – not just sexually, hugs, and kisses but also cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, shoulder leaning, nose booping, etc. – that I’d also be super communicative.

One that last one hits ao many of my shy, “don’t want to bother you,” “can’t talk right now” introvert reflexes, the others really don’t!

This is not an excuse.  But it’s a good reminder that, as roughly blocked out by the “Five Love Languages” theory, that different people can have very different but equally heartfelt ways of expressing love, care, and concern for each other.  And, more importantly, different people can have very different ways of receiving expressions of love, care, and concern.

The canonical “love languages” are listed as Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.  In my opinion that’s a good first approximation but practice it’s not inclusive and there are overlaps so it’s a mix and match system, not an exact one.  And the really important part isn’t that someone has one language or another but that you and they may not have the same language.

To answer your actual question, if their “love language” is Quality Time then yes, absolutely, your value to them is directly proportional to the time they spend with you and the effort they take to spend that time with you.  But if that’s not how they express then you can both be head-over-heels, heart-achingly important to each other and… still both of you feeling there’s something wrong.

For instance if, instead, their “love language” is something like gifts or doing things for you, you might be sitting there fuming like a chimney because they were busy wasting days in their workshop or kitchen lovingly crafting something (acts of service) for you (gifts) when they could have been there (quality time) with you (physical touch.)  And then they’re sitting there hurt that you hug them (physical touch) when you see them but never say (words of affirmation) how much you appreciated the watch or necklace they saved and saved to get you (gifts.) 

That all might seem like a long way of excusing awful tendency to leave people on read… but more than once I’ve literally (not figuratively, literally!) traveled all day just to give someone a hug (physical touch) or sit with them all night when they’re ill (quality time, acts of service.)

Your mileage, and theirs, in other words, may vary considerably.  Don’t ever be a doormat but do spend a little time trying to figure out if they’re trying to say “I love you” some other way.

It’s an important question, thank you for asking.  And best of luck!