How do you force your littles to behave when they are being bad? I have tried yelling, punishments, threats, taking away treats, early bedtime, and nothing seems to work. Plz help.


…Ok, I guess I’m going to have to say this at least one more time.

@belovedsangi and @danipup are. Not. Littles. I do not *have* littles, I am not a daddy dom, and cg/l is not something we’re into at all.

I’m not sure if some of you guys see “loving, caring dominant” and assume that I must be a daddy dom, or that all loving, caring dominants are daddy doms, or that all doms are daddy doms, or that all submissives are littles, or what. I know you don’t mean any harm here, but lifestyle protocol is what it is and part of that protocol is not making these kinds of assumptions about people. It’s considered rude.

Anyway, on to your question.

I don’t *force* either of my partners to do anything, and if you feel like you have to, you’re doing it wrong. If you have to raise your voice, you’re doing it wrong. If you feel like you have to use threats and punishments to garner good behavior, you’re doing it wrong.

Threats and screaming should never be part of a dominant’s toolkit. Ever.

You don’t force, you don’t coerce. If you want good behavior, you inspire it.

You inspire it with quiet confidence. You inspire it by behaving with consistency. You inspire it by showing great attention to detail. You inspire it by making your partner(s) feel happy and secure. You inspire it by making clear that there are reasons that rules are in place, and you make sure your partners know and understand exactly what those reasons are. You inspire it by making sure they understand how those rules and structures benefit your partners and benefit your relationship. You inspire it by asking for your partner(s)’ input on those rules and structures and by modifying those rules and structures when appropriate.

In short, you inspire good behavior by leaving absolutely zero doubt in your partner(s)’ mind that you are looking out for their well-being and best interest. You lead. You inspire them to follow.

Because, and this is something a *lot* of doms don’t like to hear, IF YOU ARE DOING YOUR JOB AS A DOMINANT, YOU WON’T HAVE TO STRONG-ARM THEM INTO GOOD BEHAVIOR. It will come naturally. They won’t be perfect, because nobody ever is, but if you are doing this right, your partner or partners will make every effort to be led, to be guided by you and to adhere to the rules and structure that you set.

If you’re finding that your partner is consistently going outside those rules and structures, then the most likely scenario is that you aren’t doing a good enough job of inspiring your partner to follow you.

If all you know to do is negatively reinforce bad behavior, anon, you don’t know how to be an effective dominant. Bottom line. Positively reinforcing the good stuff will always, always be more effective than negatively reinforcing the bad. Figure it out.


What the actual fuck?  Several actual fucks!

LMS gives great advice but as he says he’s not a Daddy and his partners aren’t Littles!

As someone who is a Daddy there are a couple of answers to the general question.  And questions!

  • Are they really being bad or are they just doing something you don’t want them to?  Because there’s a difference, isn’t there?
  • Are you in agreement with your Little?  Not just on the “being bad” parts but in terms of general, negotiated agreements for the terms of your D/Lg or DD/Lg relationship.  She may be being her kind of Little and you may be being your kind of Daddy, but unless those are in sync, which it sounds like Anon’s isn’t, then it’s not going to work.
  • Are her needs being met?  It’s not really true that “submission is a gift” but it is the case that she has to be getting all of her needs met.  She’s an autonomous, presumably (better be!) adult.  And as such she’s no more your accessory than you are hers.  
  • Is she really a Little or just incapable of normal adult relationships?  Because real Littles, being normal adults, generally have no problem breaking out of their respective roles long enough to have regular “we have to talk” relationship conversations. A D/Lg relationship is a relationship, not roles or kinks.
  • Are you sure you’re the top in the relationship?  Because it doesn’t sound like you’re in control.  (She may not be either.)  
  • Are they really a Little or mentally ill?  Nothing wrong with mental illness in kink, and certainly nothing wrong in with it in a relationship either.  But neither you nor they want to mistake the one for the other.

And finally, 

Have you just not found the “key” to get her to trust and accept you?  Since D/Lg relationships can resemble “adoption” and “foster care” dynamics, it’s worth checkiing whether she’s doing the kind of “testing” phase that foster kids usually go through before they’ll feel safe letting down their guard around their new, and possibly only temporary “parents.”  

Standard D/S Subs may have a different vetting process, and while I expect they’re more deferential and possibly less dramatic I’m sure they’re just as cautious and/or strict.

And, folks, you can’t force trust.  Someone who doesn’t trust you isn’t “bad.”  No amount of spanking, yelling, withholding of treats, making lists, making rules, early bedtimes, is going to create that trust either.

Gonna repeat one last time that D/Lg and DD/Lg relationships are adult relationships.  You want your partner to “be good” you have to be good too!  A good partner.  Someone who listens as well as spanks and bosses.  Someone who respects their partner and also being a partner they can respect.

The cover story is there has to be one grownup in a D/Lg relationships, but really there have to be two.  And it doesn’t sound like there are any in the relationship Anon’s describing.