How I Ruined Porn
Crusoe has been on travel all week so sent me a picture he found on Tumblr to pique my curiosity and whet my appetite for his return home tonight.
He got more than he bargained for when I immediately responded via text:
“Why is he pressing his shoes into the couch? So rude.”
“His laces are WAY too long for those shoes! He should have counted the number of eyelets before selecting those laces.”
“Why is he wearing black socks with brown shoes?”
“Why are his socks pulled up so high? Are those KNEE HIGHS?”
“How did he get his pants off without his socks falling down even a little?”
“He must have been wearing the wrong type of pants for the shoes if he could remove the pants without taking off the shoes. What was he wearing, bell bottoms with wing tips? That’s crazy!”
Yes, that was the barrage of texts Crusoe received from me at 0521 this morning in response to the picture he sent.
Not a word about the sex act being performed. No mention of the implied act that would be potentially occurring between the two of us tonight. No. The analyst in me focused on the man’s shoes, socks, imagined trouser choice, and the impossibility of getting off his pants without removing his shoes first. I asked why would the man put his shoes back on after taking his pants off? Why did he wear those socks with those shoes? Gah!
And that my friends, is how I ruined a perfectly fine porn gif.
Yes @lesstalkingmorespanking I am definitely in the category of a ruiner of porn!!
I think we should start a club. (Nodding head)
I’m so happy I’m not alone!!!
Who’s with us??
Best way to look at it is to say people in porn are performing sex, not having it. It’s pretty difficult to be horny while doing porn. Especially commercial/industrial production porn. By the time initial butterflies are done with any spontaneous horniness will have also faded, leaving you basically doing a job naked, with other naked people, while a bunch of other non-naked people sit around with clipboards, lights, directions, and demands that you do things that show more rather than feel better.
The fact that “fluffers” are a thing – off camera employees who’s job it is to restore male actor’s erections between takes – is just about all you need to recognize how big a difference there is between having vs. performing sex.
The results can be stellar, of course – some people perform sex really well! But it can also be… uninspired. As with stupid stunt sex, silly outfits, implausible dialogue, and moans and groans that sound like they’ve been sampled and autotuned to signify rather than express arousal. (Seriously, not sure how anybody is able get off to porn videos with the sound on!)
This is how you wind up with questions like “how can that feel good?” And “what the hell is he wearing?” And even whole websites designed to criticize the interior decorations McMansionHell style (with the actual actors photoshopped out!)
Anyway, hell yeah, it’s sooo easy to ruin most porn by… pointing out the obvious. The performers have to be very good at making themselves look like they’re enjoying themselves.
—
Aside: I remember an old VHS porn video where one of the actors, not Ron Jeremy but another one of his workhorse contemporaries) did a whole 90-minute porn shoot where, for no obvious discernible reason, he wore artificial buck teeth and spoke with a (cough*racist*cough) fake WWII-style “Japanese accent.”