I already asked this but I would like to know your opinion: girls in their 20’s who are still virgins, by choice or lack of opportunities/courage? what do you think? and what if they are interested in BDSM, do you think they will be accepted? With all the fetish that exists with the virgins, I do not believe that people are really taken them seriously, some fear them for the emotional dependence they can create and others see them as boring due to their lack of experience, what is your opinion?


I don’t recall ever receiving this type of question.  I apologize if I missed it in the past. 

What do I think about girls in their 20′s who are still virgins due to a lack of opportunities / courage?  It really doesn’t matter to me why you have chosen to remain a virgin.  There are a lot of acceptable reasons to have never engaged in intercourse, and no one should judge you for your particular reason.  Your body is yours and you have a right to abstain if you so choose.

The only reason that I would caution you about would be one relating to religious views that sex outside of marriage is sinful.  I won’t judge you for having that particular reason, but I would want to have a broader discussion with you about religion and why certain religions promote that view…and how it is actually not healthy for families or society in general.  Perhaps a topic for future post.

Will they be accepted?  I am not sure who’s acceptance is a concern for you.  Unless you tell someone that you are a virgin, they will never know.  You don’t have to put it on your blog intro.  You don’t have to put that as a disclaimer on your name tag at the local munch.  If you are wanting to engage in non-penetrative BDSM / sex acts with those who have yielded power over you, you need to be absolutely clear about your hard limits are before you yield power.  Everyone has limits, yours just may be a bit more restrictive.  The Top / Dominant / Leader who has some power over you just needs to know your limits.

What about fetishes and stereotypes surrounding virgins?  Is that really a thing?  According to FetLife EVERYTHING is a fetish.  In reality though, your fear that you will be preyed upon because of your chaste status is probably greater than the likelihood that you will come across someone who is only seeking out virgins. 

Are virgins more emotionally dependent?  I would say that someone who is a virgin is no more emotionally clingy than someone who has lost their virginity.  Taking someone into your body is not to be taken lightly.  But then again, most first experiences are awkward and not very emotional.  Now being with someone who mind fucks you and then fucks you and gives you all the good feels….that is is where emotions get cra cra and it is game on from there on out.  So it isn’t about the number of times you’ve been penetrated as much as person who is doing the penetrating. 

Are virgins boring?  I don’t know that I am qualified to answer this as it has been decades since I took someone’s virginity.  As I think about it though…the answer would be HELL NO.  I just think about all of the wonderful things that I can introduce to someone who has less experience and is open to new sensual pleasures.  There is nothing boring about that.  I tell you what is boring….someone who you’ve fucked for years and knows exactly what she wants and will not do anything other than that particular form of sex.  Now that is boring.  Don’t ever be that with the person you love.  Not if you want to keep them.  But again…topic for another day.

Is inexperience an issue?  Back in the day, we had dial up access to porn or magazines hidden under mattresses.  There were some backward, inexperienced virgins in the good ol’ days.  In this day and age, most virgins have their own Youporn and FetLife account and can Google whatever their kinky mind dreams up with blazing fast bandwidth.  We survived back then, and I have no doubt that you are light years more experienced in your mind than people were two decades ago.  If someone is scared off by your lack of experience, then they are not the play partner or Dominant for you.  Simply move on to the next candidate who doesn’t see it as a deal.  The bottom line here is to love who you are and admit what you know and don’t know.  I would much rather be with someone who is inexperienced that wants to learn than someone who knows everything and isn’t willing to have new experiences.  Experience is relative.  You may see Me as experienced, but I don’t know anything compared to others.  I’m ok with that and they should be too.  Hopefully I have a desire to learn and grow, and that is My hope for you as well.


Ugh, virginity!  As a concept and/or fetish I mean, not “someone who hasn’t had sex-on-some-kind-of-gradient-ranging-from-ever-having-been-touched-at-all-to-never-having-had-full-hetero-PIV-intercourse-to-male-ejaculation.” ????

Lack of opportunities / courage

There are many reasons beyond inhibition for remaining a virgin.  As much for women as for men.  Sometimes you’re never asked.  Sometimes it’s because no one is attracted to you, though it can also be because you’re so blindingly attractive everyone assumes you’re “out of their league.”  One way or another it may not be your decision not to have sex for the first time.

A clue I always like to leave: contrary to popular but phenomenally incorrect opinion roughly half of all college students won’t have gone “all the way” till somewhere near the end of their sophomore year.    The other half, sort of by definition, don’t go all the way for the first time till after that.  So you’re not alone!!!!

Will they be accepted?

It depends a lot on how much emphasis gets put on it.  I don’t think there’s any one “right” way to “lose” ones’ virginity.  I think telling your partner is a good idea.  Though there’s a risk they’ll go all mushy, squirrelly, or solemn on you.  Fine if you want that too.  But for many people it works nearly as well not to mention it.

The key, by the way, is don’t pretend you’ve been doing it for years!  Saying “I’ve never done it” isn’t that much different from saying “I’ve only done it a few times.”  

Sex (not just intercourse, but intercourse too) takes a while to learn.  It doesn’t “come naturally.”  So if you say you’re not very experienced your lovers are likey to be just as generous and thoughtful with you, nor will they expect you to be ready to “try it on the big hill.”

What about fetishes and stereotypes surrounding virgins?

The silliest thing I ever heard, from an alleged “sexpert,” was that “penetrating a virgin is so pleasurable the man ‘orgasms’ instantly.”

Which left many of us wondering if he’d ever had sex at all!  Because not only which part of that could possibly be true, which part of that would be even remotely interested in her?  Yay, instant premature ejaculation!  Can’t wait! ????

If the person you’re involved with seems to have a virginity fetish?  Well.  Even voters in the state of Alabama recently rejected a Senate candidate with one of those.  If you think you’re involved with one then… reconsider.  

Or, (see above) just tell them you’ve only had sex a few times and it wasn’t memorable and that you’re wondering if they can make this time memorable.  For you I mean, because one imagines anyone who had sex with Mr. Premature Ejaculator, above, remembered it but probably didn’t enjoy it.

Ugh.  Fucking virginity fetishists!

Are virgins more emotionally dependent?  

One thing I’ve noticed is that there is a tendency to become very attached to the person you have sex with for the first time, though it can also be true of the first person you have sex with after a long time.  This isn’t a function of losing your virginity per se.  Instead there’s usually been a reason you haven’t done it before, and conversely, there’s a reason you’ve chosen to do it now, with this person.

This doesn’t make one “emotionally dependent.”  It just means you really, really like them.  Chances are you’d be just as “emotionally dependent” if you never had sex with them and just continued liking them a great deal.

Are virgins boring?

Based on my experience with partners with no experience, some experience, and quite a bit more experience than I’d had at the time?  No.  No more than anyone else.

Well.   Unless you go on and on and on is if the most important thing about you was your virginity and how honored your partner should feel about you “giving” them yours.  That would be boring.  But even then only boring in the same way as a vegan, a libertarian, an atheist, and a crossfitter in a bar are boring.

Is inexperience an issue?

Yes.  Because they might think they have to do things they see in porn.

Rule #5: don’t do it the way they do it in porn

If during your first time someone tries to get you to deep throat them, jackrabbit ass fuck you, or bend you into a goddam stunt-fucking pose bite their dick off, spit out the bloody bits, and say “I saw that in an XXTREME porn once and always wanted to try it!”  And, dear god, if you want to try it then… see “memorable but probably not enjoyable,” above.  Learn to crawl before you walk, learn to walk before you run, learn to run before you decide to ask someone to DP jackhammer you with a cattle prod.  (Rule #5, again.)

Is inexperience an issue otherwise?  No.  It’s ok to say “I don’t have a lot of experience.”

Speaking of which, one last thing?  Contrary to popular culture and ancient tradition, men start out as virgins too!  According to the very well-informed people at Scarleteen, the best person to lose your virginity with is someone else you like, who likes you, that you respect, who respects you, who is willing to listen, and that you’re willing to listen to.  Start out vanilla. (Walk before you run.)  Try stuff. Have fun.  Have no expectations.  If something is fun do it again.  Talk about it a lot.  Analyze but don’t overanalyze.  Have fun.  Converse.  Experiment.  Have fun.  Be kind and generous to yourself and your partner.  Don’t be afraid to make mistakes – of course you’re going to make mistakes!  You can’t learn from them until you have them.  Have fun.  If you’re hetero then make sure you have access to two-not-one methods of birth control.  Have fun!  

Have fun.  Because first time or 10,000th time it’s sex, not a goddamn civil service exam! ????