I am a 34 year old submissive woman who is recently divorced. I have been exploring myself and the community but by far the most interesting person I’ve found is a 65 year old Dom who seems well respected but no one seems to know terribly well. I am following up with some of his former partners because I have read your guides for how to properly vet possible partners but I wondered if you had any further advice regarding this kind of age and experience gap.


I think that having your first be someone with that much experience is a fine idea, far too many newly-emerged submissives wind up with a fumbler, or worse. Just be mindful that, with that much of an age gap, it’s unrealistic to think of him as “the One” if you’re thinking in terms of a life partner.  As I sometimes say in such situations: he may be your first Dom, but he won’t be your last.

Awesome advice!  I’d add that for any relationship where there’s a big gap in experience (regardless of age, and definitely regardless of who’s the top and who’s the bottom) it’s a very good opportunity to teach and learn.

I’ll also add that age and experience notwithstanding, it’s an opportunity for both partners to teach and to learn.  Older + more experienced ≠ perfect, all-knowing, or better.  And even without switching old dogs can learn fun new tricks from young puppies.

On the power level in D/S or D/Lg relationships there’s definitely a power gradient.  But at a meta-level in relationships it’s still two adults who are peers in every way that really matters.  And as adult-education activist Paulo Freire used to say, one adult can’t successfully teach down to another adult.  There must be an exchange of knowledge, and if they listen there’s always something new every teacher can learn from every student.

Note: as far as wide age gaps and being life partners goes, yeah.  Being a Daddy might make that a little easier – childhood ends!  As does life.  But even after children grow up and move on there can still be love and caring and remembering.  The same can be true when a Little moves on from her Daddy and finds her own “the one.”  

This is also true in D/S if there’s an element of mentoring involved.

As an awesome research scientist once put it, the measure of success isn’t how many post-docs you have working under you, it’s how many of the post-docs you’ve mentored moved on to become significant researchers themselves.

If there’s a big age gap in any relationship you both have to think about the future, acknowledge it, and live knowing it can never be forever… but if you’re mindful and caring can never be forgotten either.