I have an open marriage. My husband is dominant but not a Dom. I have never been trained. I connected with a Dom who is a sadist. After several conversations we met & we proceeded to talk about limits. My limit is no marks that last longer than a play session and no bruises. Our first time, he whipped me w/his belt leaving a large bruise. He admits he pushed me past my limit & said he would like to find a balance between my limit & still satisfy his needs. Should I give him another chance?







No. Marks were a hard limit. He ignored it. He admits he pushed you past your limits without your informed consent. No second chance.

This happened to me once when I had a similar limit. He genuinely did not know how easily I bruised, and what had been fine with other play partners was not with me. I was very pink initially, and the bruises were deep and didn’t rise until a few hours later. He didn’t know how bad it would be, especially since my body wasn’t bruising in the moment. I did give him another chance. After that, he was MUCH more careful and never violated that limit again. This is one area where I would—and did—consider a second chance. Doms aren’t perfect. Unless he knowingly pushed you to the point of being bruised, I’d think about a very tentative second chance.

I agree with instructor 144 on this. Granted a good point is made about him not knowing but he used a belt, I specifically avoid using too much force or implements that are prone to leaving marks if no marks is a hard limit.

If you want to push that limit then during the first session test a spot that on the subs body where a bruise could be easily explained and hit her there, that would give an idea of how easy or difficult she bruises.

I just think we have a tendency to do a “one strike and you’re out” policy with Doms, expecting them to be perfect in all things. And yes, there are some areas where I do advocate one strike. But it kind of depends on what the thing is and also how he reacts to having broken a limit. I think there’s a time and a place for a second chance, even when it comes to a broken limit.

While I would often agree with @cherished-property, I don’t for this specific instance. He admitted he pushed past her limit seemingly on purpose. He wants to find a compromise between her hard limit and his wants. No.. there is no compromise there. If bruising is a need for him he should have been up front in the beginning and passed when hearing that was her hard limit. Not get her in a scene, fly past the limit and then not even apologize but try to make her feel wrong for having a limit. He sounds dangerous.

That said.. Dom’s are human. Sometimes they word things wrong, or they misjudge how hard they’re hitting or misread signals.. of course those instances warrant second chances if the intention was good and the sub feels safe moving forward. But for this anon, I still have to recommend leaving swiftly.

I’ve had a few conversations about this anon since I commented on it, and I think it’s worth one more clarification, because @delightfulsubgirl makes a good point. If he has a need to mark her and she has a hard limit about marks, this is a 100% no go. And any attempt to move forward is manipulative and, frankly, dumb on his part. That wasn’t how I read it, in part because my own personal experience colored my interpretation of the question. I read that part as wanting to find a path forward with his need to hurt her and her hard limit about marks.

Back when I had a hard limit about marks, I dated a sadist who delighted in causing me extraordinary pain. We found a great many workarounds for my limit—different implements, different kinds of warmup, and different kinds of pain. He became particularly fond of an electric shock collar, which left no marks but hurt a LOT depending on intensity and placement. He also focused a great deal on nipple torture. These were ways that he found a compromise between my limit and his need for pain. It worked really well for us.

Two things are unclear from the anon: 1) whether he knew she would be bruised and kept going anyway; and 2) whether he is looking to continue pushing that limit or looking for a workaround like my sadist found. And the answers to these make all the difference in the world. They speak to a Dominant’s ability to take responsibility for themselves AND their submissive, both in the scene and out of it.

I have been very fortunate to have good Dominants who put a great deal of thought and consideration behind their actions. And that is perhaps why I am more willing to give a second chance. But there are selfish assholes out there. So it’s up to anon to decide which he is and whether she’s willing to risk her body and her relationship with him again.

While acknowledging @cherished-property ‘s generosity and understanding I’m going to side with @instructor144 , @twisted-from-lit, @delightfulsubgirl, and others on this.

  1. He acknowledged her limit on marks and then acknowledged calculatingly breaking it.  
  2. You have to be able to trust your partner – not just in kink, obviously, but especially in kink.  
  3. You have to be able to trust your partner – not just in monogamous relationships but in open ones too.
  4. The anon is in an open relationship but, as with many open relationships, may have a “don’t rub it in” agreement with her primary. 
  5. Marks = “rubbing it in.”  
  6. It’s always been a dick move in complex relationships for a 3rd party to, say, leave hickies, lipstick marks, semen stains, etc., on a partner where their primary will see it.
  7. It’s a dick move in open relationships too.
  8. While the anon doesn’t say so it’s a reasonable guess that she might enjoy being marked in other circumstances.  It seems likely that she communicated not just her limit but those circumstances to her soon-to-be-former new partner.  And….
  9. He knowingly, non-mistakenly, deliberately, and selfishly shit all over her limit anyway, potentially complicating her relationship with her primary partner.

Therefore no.  I’m a firm believer in tolerance for newbie mistakes, for over-enthusiasm, for human error, and for accidents.  But in this case?  No, she should definitely not give this guy another chance.