I just want a reality check: I had to break it off with a sub that has mental health issues, due to her coming to my home and striking me in a rage. I still tried to help her understand that the reason for ending things was a safety issue for almost a week (trying to reduce the risk of her self-harming). I finally had to block her over continued verbal abuse. I’d just like to know if I did the right thing, even though I couldn’t help her enough.
You absolutely did the right thing. No Dom is under any obligation to “save” a submissive, and to attempt to do so is a fool’s errand. But here’s the thing: there’s a bit of a double standard in the D/s community. Let’s flip you over to the s side of the slash: if you were a submissive who had a Dom acting that way, everyone would shout in a single loud voice “RUN LIKE HELL!” Yet there is an unspoken – and sometimes explicit – mindset that the Dom is somehow honor-bound to stick with their sub “no matter what.” Fuck that. When things reach a certain level of toxicity and dysfunction, regardless of the reason, the only sane path for someone faced with that is to RUN LIKE HELL.
I agree there is a double standard. It’s not a dominant’s job – nor responsibility – to “fix” their submissive and certainly any kind of abuse is not acceptable.
Anon, you were absolutely correct in what you did and I’m sure it wasn’t easy. Hopefully she will see this as a catalyst to change and seek help from a professional who can work with her to address her issues.
This! As relationship partners tops and bottoms have responsibilities with their partners. But one’s kink doesn’t create greater responsibility not least because kinks don’t grant greater powers.
If a relationship partner of any sort strikes you outside a negotiated, consensual context then conventional relationship responses apply first.
Consider the Jerry Springer show precedent where spousal assault became a programming staple until local officials said, you know, that’s assault and battery and we’re going to start taking your footage and prosecuting.
This was initially seen as a “how could you” attitude because they were happening “in scene” on the show. But in scene or not, the bruises and the people who gave them were still real after the show was over. It’s like that in kink relationships too.
Whether from a top or a bottom an unwanted punch or slap is a relationship breaker.
