I saw you mention that James Deen raped Stoya. I’m confused, so they were partners and into a lot of D/s in their off screen relationship. I know ‘rape is rape’ but I’m struggling to understand what ‘rape’ looks liek in a relationship where things like rape play are part of how the two people do their kink? Thanks for helping me understand!

instructor144:

That’s actually a great question. Here’s what Stoya said: “James Deen held me down and fucked me while I said no, stop, used my
safeword. I just can’t nod and smile when people bring him up anymore.”

Read that again. No matter what one’s feelings are about “consensual non-consent,” he ignored her safeword. The thing that tells the other person “No, this isn’t play, I mean it, stop!” A safeword is the only guaranteed protection a submissive has. He violated that, and proceeded to rape her against her will. Actually against her will; this was not a bit of edgy kinky fuckery. Since Stoya came forward, other women in the industry have come forward with their own stories about Deen’s behavior. He is the lowest form of life on earth, and people who, knowing this, still watch his films and ogle his images on Tumblr because “but he’s soooooo hot!” are no better than he is.

This is “understandably” hard to understand in a culture where for 3000+ years a woman’s “virtue” was considered a separate piece of property that could be irretrievably transferred, stolen, lost, or just given away.

But here in the 21st Century where sex is an autonomous decision and not a property right it doesn’t matter if you’re both pure as the driven snow on your Puritan wedding night or if you’re part of a 17-partner gang bang – no always means no and stop always means fucking stop!  You don’t stop when your partner says stop it’s sexual assault.  You don’t stop when your partner says stop it’s rape.

If you’re in the middle of sex and your partner says stop it’s assault if you don’t stop.

And just for the record by all accounts Deen wasn’t in the middle of anything.  He was in a dorm at Kink.com, neither he nor Stoya were on the clock, and she wasn’t interested and clearly said so.

One could argue that, being in the business of having sex for money, Deen wouldn’t be expected to be as alert to stop signals.  But actually, being a sex professional Deen ought to have been alert as hell to stop signals.  Even in fucking Kink.com’s trendy little troll palace.

No means no.  Stop means stop.  Pretty simple really.