I sit in on a monthly BDSM panel in my city as the sub of the table (separate from the monthly play party/intro munches). A Dom recently asked how to spot the difference between pain puppies & masochistic subs, as he’s had a particularly long stretch of building months deep D/s relationships only to find she just wants the pain high/play, not the protocol or power exchange he vetted them for. I’m not sure what he is missing aside from poor communication or 50 shades rejects, insight I’m missing?
What a really great question. And kudos to you and your local community, it sounds vibrant and exactly what people need to learn the life in a responsible manner.
So yeah, we’ve all had that experience of getting involved with people we thought were true “lifestyle subs/Doms” but who turned out to actually be “bedroom kinksters” (the phrase “pain puppy” is great! I actually LOL’d). I made that mistake myself a couple of times along the way. So I had to formulate ways to separate the wheat from the chaff. Here’s what I figured out:
Do not “sexualize” the relationship for quite some time.
I know, I know: it’s so damn tempting to dive right into the kinky fuckery. Who doesn’t love kinky fuckery, right? But that can lead to blurring one’s clarity of vision regarding one’s partner’s true nature. So, you defer the sexual aspects. And you proceed very slowly and deliberately with the imposition of rules and protocols that a genuine submissive will thrive on, but at which a bedroom kinkster will balk. Things like good morning/good night rituals/greetings. Departure/arrival check-ins. Clothing approval. Meal reporting. Anyone in the life with any lived experience will have an array of such tasks that contain not a whisper of sex. A submissive will embrace it with gusto; a kinkster will chomp at the bit and be constantly asking “Yeah, great, but when do we get to do scenes??” And here’s the kicker: you impose those non-sexual aspects slowly, adding maybe one a week. That gets the relationship several weeks down the road before anything even remotely sexual is brought in. A “pain puppy” will bail long before then, while a submissive will be purring like a kitten and loving that feeling of being directed, instructed, cared for, and owned. Then, finally, when the person has proven they are willing to put in the work that is the true meat of a D/s relationship, bring in things like orgasm control/permission and scenes.
“Pain puppy!!!” It’s used a little dismissively in the original question, as is “50 Shades rejects.” That’s totally appropriate for pure D/S, which seems to be more about order, protocol, and power exchange.
But masochism really is its own thing, independent of Submission, just as (for me, for instance) enjoying sadism is very different from being Dominant.
Also, as a non-Dom D/Lg Daddy with a side of cheerful, indulgent sadism, “pain puppy" is an adorable and very welcome term! Mmmm, pain puppies!
As for “50 Shades rejects” I’m… yeah… the books are atrocious, the characterizations appalling, and at least the from bits I was able to choke down while skimming in a bookstore, the sex and “bdsm” scenes aren’t very exciting.
But!
Just be clear who’s doing the rejecting and why: someone else’s turn-ons don’t work for you? Well, maybe they don’t exist purely for your gratification anyway? And I get it! It’s got to be frustrating to have such a requirement-heavy kink! The more narrowly constrained your needs the more difficult it can be to find a suitable partner!
Judging someone else in kink a “reject” because they don’t check all your boxes is… a little risky because of that whole glass houses and stones thing. From the bottom of my heart I hope the Anon finds a partner who’s perfect for them – someone they can grow up with as well as grow into. And I hope the “50 shades rejects” they were subbing find partners who can help them grow and mature too.
