I’m 21 and been with a few inexperienced guys – what are you able to teach me/ what can I do to improve myself?
Ok, so here’s my advice from a 100% certified internet sexpert, if you’re ready.
- Trust yourself. You already know more than you think you do!
- Unless you’re interested in deeply ritualistic kink – something like Gorean master/slave or maybe old-school Leatherman S&M – there’s not that much to learn. About actual sex I mean.
- What most people really need to learn about sex are actually are non-sex things like negotiation, consent, dating, contraception and sexual health, having a plan for day-to-day living especially inside a relationship, how to recognize and manage controlling behavior in a partner as well as how to recognize and manage controlling behavior in yourself. (And, in the latter case, how to self-reflect and acknowledge the possibility that you can be controlling, since most people don’t seem to think themselves capable of it.)
- Good resource for the previous item, no kidding, is Heather Corinna’s S.E.X., The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties (there are very few pictures so an ebook is fine.) Corinna’s book is the most inclusive, practical, generous, and no-bullshit sex-ed book I’ve read in decades of reading sex-ed books.
- I remember Corinna writing that the best way to gain experience when you’re not very experienced is to find someone else who’s no more experienced than you are but who likes and respects you and is as curious and interested as you are. For the record, @Cliff, of The Pervocracy (have I really been following them for 8 years across multiple blogs?!?!?!) is as perverted and experienced in kink as they come and… did exactly that with their partner Rowdy.
- TL;RD of the above: the best way to learn is to teach each other!
- Side note: Anyone who’s under 18 should be reading Corinna’s Scarleteen instead of anything I or anyone else puts on Tumblr. Everyone older, no matter what their preferences, should follow @cliff, who’s fucking brilliant.
- Don’t be afraid to take matters into your own hands. For instance, Cliff lost their anal virginity after hog-tying their partner Rowdy into total immobility and then lowering themselves onto his dick. It’s ok to take matters into your own hands even if you’re “less experienced” than your partner. See “you know more than you think you do,” above. Also “trust your gut.”
- I’m not saying to bind your partner hand and foot before losing your anal virginity as Cliff did. But even if you think you might be a Sub or Dom don’t be afraid to switch while you’re learning.
- BDSM is a whole alphabet and not just a couple of things. There’s more than one way do do everything. In fact there are beeellions!!! You can’t learn your real kinks from a book. Or porn. (Definitely not from porn!)
- Avoid anybody who offers to be or claims to be a personal sex or kink “mentor” unless and until they can give you at least three solid, enthusiastic, and detailed references from people they’ve previously mentored. At least three. And make sure you talk to them, preferably face to face, because sock puppets.
- Think about your boundaries in general, but also in each dating, sexual, and/or kink encounter. Learn to communicate them. It doesn’t have to be a giant negotiated contract, but you do need to be clear. And ideally negotiate a quick, general “time out” signal (sometimes called a “safeword”) since things can come up that you didn’t anticipate.
- As you learn new things your boundaries may change. That’s not inconsistent, flighty, or “bratty.” What you liked last time might not work for you at all next time. Similarly, what you weren’t sure about last week might seem awesome this time.
- ANYBODY WHO WHINES ABOUT YOUR BOUNDARIES DOESN’T RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES!
- Walk before you crawl. (My favorite inversion of the old aphorism.) That means try to learn the vanilla basics (walking) before diving deeply into BDSM (which may involve crawling, kneeling, etc.)
- Rule #5: Don’t do it like they do it in porn. Porn sex is about performing, not enjoying.
- Have fun! Don’t stress. It’s sex, not a goddamn dissertation defense! If you and your partner aren’t feeling enthusiastic about your experiences then you’re either going to fast, going to slow, or need to try something else.
- If you get into a kink “community” look for a protector not a mentor. A protector will be someone you talk to but don’t do sexual things with, or necessarily even talk about sex with. Instead they can give you recommendations about who to avoid, what the local do’s and don’ts are. They’re likely to have the same kink you do – a Sub if you’re submissive, for instance.
- Oh yeah, and if you’re orgasmic, don’t let anyone try “orgasm denial” on you unless and until they can demonstrate that they damn well can give you an orgasm.
- It’s a 100% reasonable expectation that all involved will have orgasms. Sometimes that doesn’t happen, and that’s ok. Really! But on average if anyone has an orgasm everyone needs to have one.
- If you or your partner is a woman it’s 100% ok to rely on something besides vaginal penetration for orgasms. Your hands. Their hands. A toy. A thigh. A tongue. Dicks are nice (I certainly enjoy mine!) but they’re made for caressing hard-to-reach places… but since clits aren’t hard to reach they’re not so good for that.
- Going to end the way I began: trust yourself, you already know more than you think you do!
Hmm. What have I missed?
