Is there a difference between being dominant and being controlling?
itsshinycollectordestinyworld:
Yeah, I just answered this once but let’s give it a go from the other side.
One way to tell the difference? How do you feel after you’ve been together? After you’ve Submitted? After they’ve Dominated you?
Excited, happy, pleased, sore maybe but not hurt, thinking “when can we do that again?”
or
Glad that’s over, wondering if there’s something wrong with you, wondering what the fuck was that, afraid, unhappy, disappointed, hurt and not just sore, thinking “it’s ok, I can handle it?”
Do feel like you chose them or did they choose you?
If you’re not over the moon then the most positive thing I can say is “you’re not with the right person.” There are… worse things to say.
Certainly being Controlling and being Dominant are not the same thing, just as being Opinionated and being Intelligent are two different things.
Many people who are controlling are not actually dominant even though they look like it, just as many who are opinionated aren’t actually intelligent even though they sound like it.
Beyond that, at the risk of having people throw their now empty coffee cups at my head, I would even say that being controlling is not essential for being Dominant. Sure the conventional wisdom is that Doms tell their subs what to do (wear the blue panties, have the chicken, make me a Manhattan, mow the lawn, recombine the mutated DNA samples, etc) but that is not part of all D/s relationships.
Sometimes being Dominant is not about telling someone what to do….it can also be about serving as an example, or providing guidance and advice, or offering unconditional support and love, or deflecting judgement and self-criticism, or allowing someone to make mistakes and take risks with someone in their corner.
Dominance is sometimes not about controlling a submissive but rather controlling their perception of the world around them, even in a limited way, to give them safety and sanctuary.
That, too, is Domination.
What Mr @phoenixwest said.
All of it. ????
Absolutely. There are a lot of domineering, narcissistic, abusive assholes out there who are not Doms.
Dominance is sometimes not about controlling a submissive but rather controlling their perception of the world around them, even in a limited way, to give them safety and sanctuary.
– @phoenixwest
Lovely conversation! Anyone doubt that Mr. Rogers was a Dom, despite never lifting a finger nor raising his voice nor ever calling anybody naughty?