LMS could you help me? every time my boyfriend and I have rougher intercourse I end up tearing and getting hurt, I feel bad asking him to stop especially when he tells me that he’s not even going too hard on me. I ask him for more foreplay, and he tells me that it’s not necessary and that it is my own fault for being so tense. we use plenty lube and this is a rather new predicament between us. I’m afraid that If I cant handle rougher sex that I’ll never be a good sub, is there anything I can do?


Hooooo boy. Ok anon, I need you to really take what I’m about to say seriously, because this is important:

Your boyfriend is acting like a lazy, arrogant shit right now and you need to put your foot down.

First off: blaming you for being “tense” is bullshit. Unquestionably so. There are any number of reasons you may be tense, not the least of which is that you aren’t looking forward to the pain that will come because he can’t be arsed to give you enough foreplay.

Lack of foreplay is the domain of the lazy, uncaring, or ignorant lover.

Foreplay, especially from a guy, is one of the biggest things that separates the “meh” lovers from the great ones. See, once penetration happens, there generally isn’t that much of a drastic difference from dude A to dude B. The basic mechanics are pretty much the same and unless your dude is King Giantdick or he has mastered some killer move, it’s all more or less the same shit from all of us. Believe me, I don’t magically fuck better than the next guy. I don’t know some secret that makes my dick feel better than anyone else’s once it’s inside someone.

Added to that, studies have shown that a majority of women don’t orgasm from penetration alone. So, knowing that, why in the hell wouldn’t a guy be willing to engage in plenty of foreplay?

It all comes back to him being either lazy, uncaring, or ignorant. No two ways about it.

Foreplay should be fun. Foreplay should be where any guy who has any interest in being a memorable lover to a woman earns his stripes. Foreplay is where we get our partners hot and bothered. It’s where we get our partners wanting, needing, *begging* to be fucked. Foreplay is where we crawl inside our partner’s brain and rewire it to think only “want”.

And I get that we hear a lot in bdsm media about the submissive being ready and available for sex at any time with no foreplay or warning. And that works, sometimes for some people. Yeah, if I grab @belovedsangi and bend her over the couch she’s ready to go because that turns her on. That’s hot to her. But it’s not hot to everybody, even in bdsm. The fact that it doesn’t do it for you doesn’t make you a bad submissive.

You’re not being a bad submissive by wanting or needing foreplay. He’s being a bad lover by not providing it when he knows that it causes you harm. This extends way outside d/s dynamics. This goes for vanilla relationships as well.

You need to put your foot down and tell him that either he learns to be a more considerate lover, or he learns to enjoy celibacy.

Don’t think for a second that this is about you being a bad submissive, anon. Being a submissive doesn’t mean that you ignore your own needs, and it sure as shit doesn’t mean that you let your dominant harm you.

Tell your boyfriend to do better. And come talk to me if you need to talk this out confidentially.

Best of luck on your path, anon.


I’m gonna vote with “ignorant and clueless Dom” rather than outright shitheel.  This because I’m assuming he’s learned most of what he thinks he knows from

  • Tumblr BDSM and D/S posts
  • XXXXTreme “BDSM” porn from the assholes at kink.com
  • The clueless bullshit from 50 Shades of Grey and other mainstream wannabe kinksters

Or maybe not!  I mean, unlike all of the above he’s ok about using plenty of lube, which none of the above seem ever to have heard of.  But at least he is ok about using lube!  So there’s hope.

But Clue #1: who gets to decide if she needs more lube, the person who needs more lube or the person who thinks their partner is just “too tense?”

Clue #2: If even the Domliest Dom’s partner too tense what’s his job?  To make her less fucking tense.

Clue #3 is for the Sub: Maybe you’re a completely legitimate, deeply submissive Sub who’s not into rough sex.  Because, you know, BDSM isn’t one-size-fits-all.  Instead it’s a whole freaking alphabet of kinks that may only barely overlap and might not overlap at all!  

Clue #4 is for both: Sometimes you’re hot.  Sometimes you’re not.  Mood matters.  Hormone levels matter.  Fatigue matters.  What you ate or drank recently matters.  Oh yeah, and, you know, lead up time matters!

Sometimes even the most vanilla non-sub gets insanely hot and wet when she’s bent over an end table.  And sometimes even the most darkly masochistic Sub gets insanely hot and wet when… she’s treated like a princess.

Mood matters.  Any good leader exerts his will, sets the tone, sets the pace, and… is still fucking responsible for making sure his followers are actually up for and able to… well… follow!

Once again I’m gonna say he’s not an asshole.  But I’m also going to say it’s 100% legit for anyone in any relationship to call a timeout and have a pants-on conversation about their sexual wants and needs.

Because in any relationship if someone isn’t enjoying sex the result can often be they go find another partner.  Even if their current partner isn’t an asshole.