My Dom really likes spanking/paddling/caning to the point I’m like screaming my safewords, sometimes 2 or 3 times, before he snaps out of it and he says he’s just trying to expand my limits but idk if that’s an ok way to do it. I’m new to BDSM so I don’t know who is in the wrong

instructor144:

Hell no it is not an ok way to do it!! Fuck that “snaps out of it” shit!!! During a scene, the Dom is the “responsible adult” in the room. He doesn’t get to go off to The Happy Dom Place to the point where he has to “snap out of it.” He doesn’t have the luxury of doing that. People have wound up in the hospital, or worse, because of bullshit like that. A Dom who has to “snap out of it” to act upon multiple cries of the sub’s safeword is a Dom who does not have control of himself. And a Dom who does not have control of himself sure as hell has no business having control of another person! This man is dangerous. Period. Full stop.

You have to be able to trust your Dom. Safewords are the do-not-cross lines not just of physical or emotional distress, they’re the do-not-cross line of trust as well.

This isn’t to say safewords are there only to be used as a last resort! That’s another common misunderstanding. It’s ok to use for an itch between the shoulders that’s pulling you back out of subspace. And it’s definitely not to be used unseriously! Because tops have to be able to trust their bottoms too!

Point being that you can’t let go without trust. And if you can’t trust your Dom to stop when you say stop then stop playing with them. It’s either not safe because you’re at risk of real harm, or else it’s not fun because you have to stay present so that you can strategize when to say it. Either way is seriously fucked up.

Also, fucking bullshit on that “couple extra whacks to ‘expand your limits!!!’” Fuck him and the horse he rode up on too. Just going to point out that if it was intercourse instead of whipping and he wouldn’t stop that would be actionable sexual assault in about 40 states. If he keeps hitting you after you say stop that ought to be actionable assault, period.