My relationship has broken down as my sex drive was too high for my Dom. He is the third one that says I take too much fucking. In tears as now I feel like a fucking freak. I love sex with someone special. Not just anyone.

The biggest myth on the planet is that men have bigger libidos than women.  Because heh.  And even if it were true on average it still wouldn’t be true in every case.

Instead, again on average, men and women’s libidos are about the same. Which still means in a lot of cases when there’s an imbalance a man in a relationship will always fall behind his partner.

The first thing to do is to get over that this makes anyone a freak.

It’s a weird quirk that in any relationship dynamic (sex, hunger, cleaning up, bedtime, both check-ins and “we need to talk” communication, etc.) someone will always be ahead and the other behind.  With the result that one will always be behind.

Even if one is only a tiny bit behind it adds up because it means the other is always the one doing the ask.  

So here’s the quirk, and here’s why it’s not ok to call one’s self a “freak.”

If you want sex once a week and your partner wants it once a day then you’re “frigid” and “not that into sex.”  Next relationship you still want sex once a week and… your partner wants sex once a month.  Suddenly you’re no longer the frigid, disinterested party but “insatiable,” “oversexed,” and “a freak.”

Same situation if you want sex five times a day and your partner wants it seven (you’re suddenly a cold fish), or “only” wants it three times a day (now you’re a freak again!)

So you’ve got a higher libido than your last three partners.  Maybe you’ll have a higher libido than all your partners, who knows?  But in reality you’re in roughly the same boat as half the partners in all relationships.  And you’re going to have to do what everyone on the long end of the stick has to do.

In another ask to Instructor144@nihilismpastry said (among other wise things)


I don’t even know what to begin to advise you here.

I have an insanely high sex drive, and I learned very quickly that you need to get you a good vibe and a lot of porn. It will help take the edge off before you’re with your Dom.

The only problem would be if you or your Doms think it’s ok to demand you get all your sexual gratification through them.  That’s… not a good recipe.  If they were well experienced they’d back off a demand like that and give you guidelines allowing to take care of yourself inside the context of your Submission.  (If you just want to be topped more?  Well, welcome to the can’t-always-get-what-you-want club.  It’s never ok to demand more sex than you’re comfortable having, even if you were topping them, so it wouldn’t be ok to demand more than they can give.)  

The main thing though is to give up on the notion that a man “should” want more sex than a woman, or that a top “should” always want to do more things than their follower.  It’s always that way in fantasy, fiction, and porn, but human Doms and Subs are only, well, human.

Best thing to do, maybe with your old Dom, definitely with a new partner of any kind, is to just be up front about it.  Not in a challenging way or threatening way, but just say “you need to know I have a tough time if I don’t have sex X times per Y.  I know you want sex an impressive number of times, but it’s important to only expect someone to want it as often as they do and not burn them out by demanding more.  Since you’re really important to me I’ll take care of myself the rest of the time.  And obviously I’ll always be ready when you are. If you’re ok then we should be fine.  Let me know what to think.”