OMG, I’m Pissing On The Munch Bunch!
Let me start this little ramble by saying to those who might
not know what a munch is that it is a gathering of kinky people the old fashioned way, in person. These are often
held at restaurants, coffeehouses and sometimes bars. Munches are not places
that you lace up your corsets, holster your flogger, and wear an I heart BDSM
button but a casual way to meet and
socialize with like-minded people in a vanilla setting.Now that we have that out of the way, I’m going to tell you
what I mean when I say “Munch Bunch”. This is my identifier for those kinksters
who are heavily involved in local events and when they encounter someone who is
new to the lifestyle, new to the area or just new to them, a bunch member will
quickly start explaining why they HAVE to come to local events. The best way to
visualize this if you haven’t encountered a member of this cool kids club is the
way “born again” Christians start to salivate when they get the chance to give
their testimony to save someone.Okay at this point I have say
“Stop, Hammer Time”. MC Hammer isn’t here but I want to take a quick break in
my thoughts to clarify this before the next sequel in the compelling series of When Tumblr Twatwaffles Attack is
released my way! Being involved in your local BDSM community is not bad if it works for you, it is GREAT! The same thing about being a Christian, if it
works for you, that’s awesome, just respect that Jesus and I decided long ago
to see other people.Just a friendly reminder, twatwaffle is the word of the
month! Please challenge yourself to use it daily! I now return you to the
regularly scheduled programming…Now that we have that out of the way, one of the questions I
have been asked is; am I involved in my “local scene”? The answer to that
question is not very often and I know everyone who has read this far is so
hoping I will talk about why that is. What’s that you say Mr. or Ms. Reader?
You don’t care to know why? Oh too bad, I’m going to share that as well!A while back, I was chatting with someone here and they
shared that they are involved in the local (to me) kink scene and described
themselves as a “leader within the community”. We started discussing the level
of my involvement, as in attending events “in person” and we started the
conversation with ‘living the lifestyle 24/7’ and I figured we would disagree
on this. I firmly believe not everyone is going to see things the same way in
kink and there is no ‘black and white’ just fifty shades of grey when defining
this term (sorry had to make that little joke). This person felt that if you
did not attend events multiple times a week that you could not say you live it.
And that is fine, that is their definition of the term.I choose to see it differently. I am kinky, I’m a Daddy and
I am Dominant. That is part of who I am and it is always there, always a part
of me. Okay, I don’t stand up on the table in the conference room during a
meeting at work and say “Hey everyone I’m a Daddy Dominant” but those traits
are always part of who I am and in a relationship those traits and kink are
always flowing in the relationship even if it is flowing under the surface. I
do not believe you have to put kink first to claim 24/7. What I mean by someone
who puts kink first is the lifestyle is their social life and their calendar
reads Mega Munch Monday @ Master Mad Max’s Mortuary, Titty Torture Technique
Tuesday @ Tiny Tim’s Teahouse, Whip Wednesday @ Wookie’s Winery, Tie’em-up
Thursday @ Thomas’ Tavern, Flogger Friday’s @ Fred’s Fabulous Fuckery Factory,
Steak-n-Slave Supper Saturday @ Suzie’s Speakeasy and Sunday’s Sushi Submission
Séance @ Subbie Sammy’s Scallop Shoppe. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong
if you choose/want to have a social life filled with kink events. That is great
for you, but remember what works for you is not always right for anyone else. I
believe that kink is part of me all the time and so yes I’m a 24/7 guy (in my
own way) but there is much more to me than just kink. The person I was chatting
with admitted that all their social activities are exclusively made up of kink.I also have a question here as well. If you believe
community involvement, in person, is required to ‘live the lifestyle’, what
would you say about those people in a D/s relationship but live in a rural part
of the country where there just is not a local kink community or community at
all other than the gas station/bar/restaurant combo across the street from the
church ten miles yonder at ‘the blinker’ light? Are they any less ‘lifestyle’
because of their location? Is their relationship discounted somehow because of
their location?Now the conversation moved to are my friends into kink and
my conversation partner shared that they do not feel comfortable having friends
who are vanilla because of feeling like they withhold part of who they are when
they are “forced” to be around vanilla people. For me, I simply have friends. I
do not categorize/label them, a friend is a friend. I’m not going to share 100%
of the same likes with someone else. In fact, how boring would that be if our
friends were all the same? It is those differences that often get us to try a
new restaurant/food/hobby rather than the same all the time. To get back on
track, some of my friends are in the lifestyle, others are kink friendly, and
some are pure vanilla (maybe some are vanilla extract) but they are friends. I
do not feel that I have to hold myself back around vanilla friends. I’m just me
and those things they might see as ‘quirks’ or ‘oddities’ about me are what
makes me who I am and part of what makes the friendship tick.After I expressed this, they moved the conversation to how
many events do I attend a week. I explained that I do not have a set number of
events I attend but how it works for me currently is the event has to catch my
eye and kink events are not ‘weekly’ for me. For example, there is an upcoming
get together for dinner then going to an art museum. Sounds fun, different, so
that is something I will consider attending as well as arranging my schedule
for. One thing to note about the local lifestyle
community where I live is that there are very, very few any weekend
munches/social gatherings when typically I have more free time. These seem to
be confined to weeknights and the weekends reserved for ‘play parties’ and
those just are not my scene. Sorry I just don’t enjoy watching strangers engage
in BDSM play. It’s like golf for me, I
enjoy playing golf but watching it being played bores me to tears.There is the other part of the attending events equation for
me and that is scheduling. I have a lot going on in my life, by my choice. Not
only do I have the evils of work every Monday thru Friday and this evil
sometimes even spills over into the weekend, blah! The career is coupled with a
minimum of at least two hours of commuting daily (a weeknight kink event would
make that day’s commuting time at least 3 ½ hours or more), plus I volunteer,
actively pursue my passions, friends/family and everything else everyone has to
do in life. So I explained kink events are sort of as they catch my eye and fit
my schedule.Now they tell me that I shouldn’t be ‘looking’ to date
anyone since it wouldn’t be fair because I do not have any time for a
relationship. If I cannot make time to attend events weekly, how can I make
time for a D/s relationship? This shocked me because other than what we
discussed above they know nothing about me. However, I explained that I believe
when you first start getting to know someone, you “make time” for someone of
interest. That means you adjust your schedule for them. If that beginning goes
well, I will want to be around them more and it will go from making time for
them to making them a priority. My other activities would become “made time
for” and I would have no problem cutting back on things for more time with
someone special! However until that happens, I am not going to sit at home and
wait for them to come along.Now we move to the have you been to this or that event
discussion. It was simple, did I try ABC’s event, or MNOP’s? Just yes or no
without any follow questions until we came to XYZ group. When I answered that I
had, for the first time there was a follow-up.
What did you think? I shared that I had only attended once but I didn’t have a
positive experience. Not that it alone would keep me from trying again but it
was a long haul from home (almost 2 hours each way and once again on a
weeknight). I shared the specifics of what I didn’t care for. It was nothing
negative to the group as a whole, but the discussion leader that night was ill
prepared and a few individuals made me feel excluded for being new at their
group. It is more the distance that keeps me from returning but if they had
something I found very interesting I would attend it again.At this point, I proceed to get a condescending diatribe
about how I am what is wrong with the lifestyle because I refuse to make time
to attend events, then criticize when I go (I was only critical of a few people
at one event, not the group), use my writing/blog to express uneducated/informed
thoughts/ideas because I do not go to enough functions to be informed and my
feelings (about how I felt at XYZ’s) were “not valid”. It is people like me,
which “piss all over the active and real community”. The conversation was
concluded at this point but, wow, was I shocked. For a few minutes I wondered,
am I a problem?Then I reflected on it and realized these things from this
conversation:
- How many events I attend or do not attend does not in any
way diminish my value nor does it reflect upon my thoughts, beliefs, or
opinions.- Everyone should be entitled to feel however they feel. No
one should ever be told their feelings are not valid! While you may not agree
with how someone feels, their feelings need to be respected.- Part of me feels a touch sad for those whose
lives/relationships revolve solely around kink. There are so many amazing
places to go, people to meet and friends you are missing out on because you
segregate yourself.- No one has the right
to pass judgment on if someone is
relationship ready or their relationships. Offering advice is fine, however
offering judgment on that is wrong
(especially from someone who is not a friend or
acquaintance).- It is views like this
can that scare off people from the local scene. Imagine if I was new? If I
hadn’t experienced a closed minded expert
before? It would likely drive me away rather than bring me into the local community.- If you disagree with an opinion I share at an event, on my
blog or in person, talk with me about it, discuss it with an open mind but
remember it is mine, not yours and we do not have to agree. This lifestyle is
not about one way of doing things. It is very individualistic.- I am proud of the life I lead. I love that kink is part of
it and I’m equally happy with the part that is vanilla.My vanilla/kink balance is good and my life is
even better!
As with all of my writings, please see this disclaimer.
©LHS2018
Well worth a read.
Not every day you bump into a comparison of kink and kink-community culture view American church culture. But it’s an excellent fit!
Having grown up in the “Bible belt” of the southeastern United States I’ve got experience with that 3-5 church-community events per week thing. Wednesday night suppers and Thursday and Saturday evening “Sunday school” activities while the grownups did… whatever church grownups do, and Sunday School and vacation Bible school were all… fine! Nothing wrong with being seriously invested in your community if and only if that’s what floats your boat.
But!
Yeah, it’s weird, different, and a giant mistake to imagine that you simply can’t be religious if you don’t do all those things.
And similarly it’s fine if you do 3-5 kink events a week! And munches are nice.
But jeez but it’s weird, different, and a giant mistake to imagine you simply can’t be kinky if you don’t do all those things too.
Because ahahaha!
Ok, so later in life my family switched from fundamentalism (the same “Sanctified Brethren” that Garrison Keilor spoke of growing up with in his monologues, actually) to Unitarianism. (My dad went from being a Bible thumping fundamentalist to a… Darwin-thumping secular humanist!) And back in the 1970s the Unitarians rewrote their hymnals to be more secular and non-gendered… doing it in typically 70′s-era ham-fisted style. And in one of the congregational call-and-response things in the back of their hymnal, there’s a “blessings” chant. (Can’t remember exactly what those things are called so I’m saying “chant.”)
One of the lines in one of the chants?
“Blessed are the committee members who finish their terms in office!”
Because it evidently vexed the bureaucratic types “committed members of the community” who decided the hymnal needed rewriting in the first place.
Pro tip: Communities don’t bless things that everybody does.
And so it is with kink “communities.” Not everybody goes to all events. In fact most people in kink don’t. This no doubt vexes the bureaucratic types “committed members of the community” who organize 3-5 events a week as well!
Their kink (for committees and participation) is not your kink.
