On Bratty Subs: They Might Be Doms!

So as you’ve probably noticed I’m often…

  • Annoyed at the assumption that D/S is gendered with Doms = men and Subs = women
  • Convinced that Doms and Subs are distributed pretty evenly through the population regardless of sexual identity
  • Sure the stereotypical “sissified” men we’re most often shown to are only one minor type of male Sub.  And not a very representative one.
  • Sure the “femdom” or “dominatrix” women we’re most often shown are only one type of female Dom.  And not a very representative one.
  • Confident there are therefore a lot of “missing” men who are Subs and women who are Doms…

And so my ongoing inquiry into where are all the missing Doms and Subs?

I’m motivated by this in part by the observation that when it’s safe for people to come “out” about their sexuality it’s actually incredibly healthy for them.  Mental health and social acceptability are actually fairly well connected.  Conversely, people who are either consciously or unconsciously “in the closet” have tendencies toward both anti-socially and self-damaging behavior.

Walking home from the grocery store the other day, thinking about kink as I’m inclined to do, I was pondering one of the perpetual D/S DD/Lg complaints about “Bratty Subs.”

You probably know what I’m talking about.  Constantly testing and challenging their tops.  Pushing back.  Insisting things go this way or that.  Often seriously unhappy.  “Topping from the bottom.”  Not following rules and often making demands of their Doms or Daddies and generally… behaving in ways that… suspiciously resemble things that Doms do!

Meanwhile, a reasonable number of Doms and (especially!) Daddies seem drawn to bratty subs, respond to their endless tantrums and demands, endlessly modify their behavior to satisfy their bratty subs, and frequently apologize left and right to them too.  Hmm… in other words they behave in ways that suspiciously resemble things that Subs do!


  • Actual Doms and Daddies have approximately zero patience with bratty subs.
  • Actual Subs and Littles often have little or no patience with servile doms and daddies.


How ‘bout that stereotyped assumption that “Dom / Daddy = gendered man” and “Sub / Little = gendered woman?” Sounds a Little shakier now, hmm?

The problem with stereotypes, you know, is that even people being stereotypes feel pressure to conform to them.  They might not like it.  And if they’ve got consciousness / are woke they’re going to push back. But in the absence of out counter examples most people try and go with what they think is expected of them.

So if you just “know” all Doms and Daddies are men and all Subs and Littles are women then… you may just go through life imagining you’re just a bratty Sub, or maybe a pushover Dom or Daddy.

And in case you’re wondering, yes, I’m still a soft Daddy, and I’m not a Dom.  But no, I’m not a closet Sub.  Ahaha!  No.  I enjoy topping to much. I’ll listen to your ideas and sympathize with your frustrations, and I’ll dote on you as only a Daddy can. But I’m gonna OWN your cute little butt, half pint!

And while I can be patient with cranky Littles (because everyone gets cranky) I’ve got roughly zero patience for demanding, bossy, whiny, my-way-or-the-highway brats!  Ahahah.  Nope.  Also, while I can be endlessly patient with someone who’s unable or unwilling to control their behavior in terms of kink I’m not into spanking, fucking, or otherwise interacting sexually someone I have to “reason” with,” fight with, or legitimately discipline to get them to settle down. Do, again, nope!

Which, see above, makes sense! Since I’m a fucking top I’m not terrifically turned on by anyone who’s trying to top me!  ????????????

But enough about me!

If tops keep telling you you’re a shitty sub?  Try on that maybe you’re actually a top!  And if you’re horrified by the prospect of wearing those goddamn thigh-high leather “dominatrix” boots and Weimar-era-Germany eye makeup and whipping sissyboys?  But it’s cool, so are most other women Doms!  That’s the Tumblr porn stereotype, sure.  But there are hundreds of other ways to be a Dom that don’t involve pegging your partner with a strapon while he hollers “mistress, mistress may I come on your feet!”

Think about it.  

There are as many women who are Doms as there are ones who are men.  If you’re not happy as a “sub?” hey, you might be a lot happier taking charge, laying down the law, and riding your big, Daddy Sub’s cock like a prize racehorse! 

Think outside the box.  You might make everybody happier!  Even yourself!

(Note: in this context “bratty sub” should not be confused with regular Subs or Littles who are just mischief makers, scamps, scalliwags, or imps. There’s a very big difference between “annoying pain in the ass” and “adorable!”)