So I have developed a theory. If a man says “I’m a Dom” and then proceeds to ask me what my limits or fetishes are… It inevitably means he’s not actually a Dom, he’s a top, or an in the bedroom only kinkster. Am I onto something here?


Oh yeah, your theory is valid. Like… validated, sealed, stamped, and delivered (with signature required at receipt). The first and only necessary clue – save for very few instances in which I can maybe see it as appropriate – is their use of ‘a’… “I am a dom.” I’ve found that with few exceptions (read: microscopic levels of exception), men who tout, proclaim, announce, detail, or otherwise declare a label of ‘dominant’ are not, in fact, dominant at all. 

Dominant men don’t have to tell you what they are… you feel it in your bones (and other, somewhat softer spots*). The ones who tell you what they are before you see who they are? Yeah, no. If you haven’t had the opportunity to see their dominance through non-sexual words, actions, and subsequent integrity, they have no business asking what your limits are. 

*I was talking about your brain. Don’t be crass.

Not that there’s anything wrong with being a top.

And not that there’s anything wrong with negotiation fetishists, though like any other kink they should request and receive consent before attempting to negotiate erotically with a new partner.

And nothing wrong with a humiliation or disclosure kinks, though again you had best make sure your partner is going to blush charmingly when you ask them questions that might embarrass them.  Because a) consent and also b) the exchange above.

And nothing wrong with narrowing the definition of one’s partner of choice as long as one acknowledges that the definition may not be universally shared.

Not crazy about expressing personal preferences as broad generalizations.

Not crazy about the assertion that a “real” dom will just know their partner’s limits, as it might be misconstrued by legitimate but novice doms and, perhaps more perilously, by novice subs.

And for the record I’m not a Dom.  So I may ask about limits and fetishes. Because I’m a total nerd.