Just to clear some things up




BDSM: 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 Yes please! So good!!! Tie me up! Beat me! Fuck me! Yeeees!😍😍😍😍😍
Domestic abuse: go die in a hole

Misogyny/misandry play: So hot! Very sexy! Yes Sir, I am your worthless little fucktoy and please use me like one.😳😳😳
Actual sexism: Get your head out of the 19th century and grow up

Raceplay: Hell yeah! I’m your inferior asian slut! Use me!
Racism: Fuck your own ass with a cactus please.

Petplay: My favorite. Pretty please call me kitty when you fuck me. (also when you dont)😻😻😻😻
Bestiality: Just don’t. Animals cant consent friend.

DDlg: Sure, daddy, let’s play. 😘😘😘
Actual peodophilia, child abuse: Don’t fuck children! Do I actually have to explain this to people? Like, they are children. They can’t consent. Okay. 

Dub-con/rapeplay: Super fun. Use me while I scream for you to stop. 😏😏😏
Rape: no. No. NO! NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! NONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!! Just No! No excuses! No she (or he) is not asking for it. No “I made a mistake”. No no no no no! Consent is everything and if you don’t respect that you should rot in a jail cell at the absolute bare minimum. 

Hope this cleared some stuff up😘 This ends your PSA, please feel free to return to your regularly scheduled pornography. (sorry for all the cussing and agressiveness. I have strong feelings here)

This. This this this this.

Always good to keep things clear.

Don’t overthink this. A rollercoaster is exciting because it’s a voluntary, controlled experience Being trapped on a runaway train is terrifying and dangerous. Skydiving is voluntary and exciting. Falling out of an airplane… isn’t.

Things partners do together are categorically different from things one person does to an involuntary victim. This is true even if all parties have been partners in other activities. It’s true even if the victim has previously participated enthusiastically.

Forcing someone on a rollercoaster when they’re not in the mood is categorically different from them asking to join you. Even if they’ve ridden in rollercoasters with you before.

Partners doing things together is categorically different from coercion, badgering, bribing, intoxicating, or seducing someone to get them to do something they don’t want to do.

You can’t be a Dom and be a Drunk



You can’t be a Dom and be a drunk.

A friend of mine sent me a text yesterday.  “You can’t be a Dom and be a drunk”  She said it in reference to the NY AG stepping down.

My response was “I’ve heard that.”  I don’t know if she got that it stung but it did.

I struggle with alcohol and have for a very long time, I’m on a path to recover now and I pursue my own aggressive brand of therapy mixing AA and Smart Recovery.

Always in the scene the Dom must be on and be emotionally and mentally fixed, prepared and certainly not impaired.  I practice that in all ways all the time during play sessions. I consider being with a partner in a D/s situation with the same gravity I take with any sort of action that could have serious consequences, whether it be riding a motorcycle, handling firearms or being in a  combat zone.

I guess my question is that as a broken person can I be a Dom? I think the answer is yes but at the same time I don’t know I guess I won’t find out until and unless I’m in a position to be with a submissive again.

On the NY AG issue, personally my belief is that he was an ill informed ass of an abuser who like many watched 50 Shades or BDSM porn and thought that shit was how it was done. 

Forgive me, friend, for tugging this up from the archives. I had it saved in my drafts because I wanted to respond to it but couldn’t quite figure out what I wanted to say.

I’m pretty sure I was the friend who said that. “You can’t be a Dom and a drunk.” And I’ve said similar things since then. The overarching thing for me is that, if you are not in control of yourself, you are not allowed to be in control of me. Period. Monsieur knows that if he goes out with friends and has too much to drink, that’s perfectly fine. But our D/s dynamic is effectively suspended until he is sober again, particularly when it comes to play. It’s a matter of safety and trust in the moment, not a judgment of his value as a Dominant.

It’s the same with you, dear friend. You are one of the good ones, and you have shown a great deal of responsibility and determination in making a lot of life changes in the time I’ve known you. Any submissive would be lucky to have you as her Dominant.

You can’t be a Dom or Daddy and a drunk. You can be a Dom or Daddy and be in recovery though. Self discipline matters in a Dom or Daddy. More important, maybe, is not being in denial.

@cherishedproperty makes the even more important point that you can’t be a Sub and a doormat or codependent. If your partner is impaired -whether by intoxication, anger, distraction, or fatigue – you gotta be up for whistling the play dead. Because your Dom can’t always.

A kink relationship is a relationship. Between equal, autonomous partners.

It’s not bad or wrong to get hammered. But it’s not ok to play with power tools while impaired. Or to operate power exchange.

You can be an awesome Dom in recovery. You can be a marvelous Sub and say this isn’t the right time.

Hats of to both @cherishedproperty and @twisted-from-lit.


top: you don’t get to cum
service top: you don’t get to stop cumming

Slight correction here

top: you don’t get to come till I let you
also top: you don’t get to stop coming till I let you

Nothing wrong with service.  But it’s pretty misunderstood.

Each of these things is technically “service.”

  • Walking your dog
  • Making dinner for your kids
  • Going along with the joke
  • Leading an expedition
  • Standing on stage and getting everyone to clap while you solo out on “We Will Rock You.”
  • Washing a car because you were asked to
  • Washing a car because you were told to
  • Washing your car because it’s your car and you want to make it glow
  • Changing a baby’s diaper
  • Rescuing a child from a burning building
  • Edging someone till they’re a gibbering mess
  • Making someone come and come till they’re a gibbering mess
  • Answering “sure, princess” when someone says please let me come
  • Answering “we’ll see, princess” when someone says please let me come

But not all service is subservient, is it?  No, not at all.  

Goodness, your panties are soaked!  C’mere, fluffbucket, so Daddy can get you out of these wet things…

You don’t have to love polka dots, stickers, and claiming Skittles candy is a food group to be a D/Lg Little, do you, thimble?  Sometimes it’s just about those irresistible urges to hump like a little animal in front of an older, experienced Daddy.

A take on the “so which of you is the MAN in the relationship” that gay couples have to put up with…


Because there are all kinds of ways to do pet play, aren’t there, shrimpsauce?  Sometimes it’s about cute kittens or grovelly little puppies.  But sometimes it’s about Daddy needing to tame his hungry, hungry lion too, isn’t it?

You have a post about not feeling pressured to send nudes and I had a question. I’ve been with my Daddy for 3 months now and I’ve sent him some pictures when he’s really pushed me. I don’t like sending them to him. He keeps telling me it’s his rule to send him full nudes and I have to obey.


Great advice, definitely worth remembering for the future.

But for this particular relationship, I’d say don’t bother giving him a second chance. Just break things off now – he’s already demonstrated he’s not a D-type as far as I’m concerned. 


You don’t have to send anyone nudes you don’t want to.
You don’t have to show anything to anyone you don’t want to.
You never have to send nudes.

So, now that that’s out of the way: A d-type doesn’t declare rules like some god-chosen omnipotent emperor on his throne.  Rules are a negotiation and they’re agreed upon by both parties.  He doesn’t have “his rules” the two of you have “your rules”.  

He can want to create a rule about nudes, you can discuss said rule, and you can agree to said rule if you want to.  Or you can tell him nudes are a limit you’re not ready to break and that’s that.

If you’ve told him that nudes are a limit and he continues to pressure you into giving him some knuckle thunder then he’s not respecting you, your relationship or the d/s dynamic.

You need to sit down and have a meta-talk with him.  Explain you’re uncomfortable with nudes, explain they’re a limit that you’re not willing to move past right now (or ever if that’s your choice), explain his pressuring makes you uncomfortable.  If he can’t respect that and stop the pressure immediately, then he’s no d-type.

He keeps telling me it’s his rule to send him full nudes and I have to obey.

Yeah, maybe he’s young and inexperienced, but he’s also pushy and selfish, and clearly interested in putting his desires for immediate gratification over your comfort and boundaries. 

There are plenty of guys out there who pretend to be doms, because they think they’ll get easy access to titillation and sex, without having to bother with all that tedious treating other people with respect. He strikes me very strongly as one of those. 

 It’s not your job to teach him to be a better person. If you leave him, and tell him why, maybe he’ll learn better for the next person. But he’s very unlikely to change behaviour with you – he’ll just keep at it till he faces real consequences.

General ummutable rule for Submissives: kink is supposed to make you happy.  For that matter sex is supposed to make you happy whether you’re kinky or not!  And so if something doesn’t make you feel happy, fulfilled, or generally satisfied then a partner asking you to do it doesn’t make it magically ok.

If it turns you on to be asked for naked selfies?  If it makes you excited?  Gets your creative juices flowing, or just gets your juices flowing period?  Awesome!  Go for it!  Hope your partner asks every time!

But if it doesn’t?  Also awesome!  Negotiate the hell out of it or draw the line entirely.  

Another way to put that immutable law: whatever your role in kink, you’re still an autonomous and equal member of your relationships.  

It’s not just your Dom who needs to get that.  You need to get that too.  Really.  I promise!  

D/S, D/Lg, S&M, B&D, even plain old vanilla sex works better… lots better… when everyone remembers that you’re in it for each other, yes, but you’re also there for yourself.  

And look.  This isn’t about “topping from the bottom!.  No matter how Submissive you are, if someone visits your home you still tell them things like they need to take short showers because there’s not much hot water, that you keep the doors closed so the cat won’t get out, and that the bottom step is wobbly, right?  That’s not “domination” that’s courtesy!  It’s responsibility!  It’s saying “you’ll need to keep these things in mind.”

You’ll warn them that putting their bags against the baseboard heaters could burn their stuff and fill the place with smoke, right?

It’s the same thing in D/S.

“If you ask me for nudes it’ll burn our relationship” is also an ok thing to say.  For the same reason!  Expressing one’s boundaries and limits isn’t just responsible, it’s courteous!

Kinky Daddies and Littles kiss allllmost like vanilla couples, don’t we, cutiepuff?






Same story for evil cops. Environments that allow predators and abusers to thrive and be protected are going to fill up with predators and abusers no matter how good the people around them are.

It happens in a lot of fields. Cops, social workers, priests, volunteers who work with kids, foster parents. Predators operate at their peak in positions of authority where they can act unquestioned.

Might want to add abusive “Doms” and “Daddies” in the D/S community…