Posts Tagged ‘aftercare is as much sex as all the rest of sex!’
hey there, i was hoping you could lend some advice about bottoming. we’re both switches, but i really prefer to top; during the moment, however, i can seem to be really into it. truth is, my mind is wired the entire time and i’m overthinking, even though i come. we do long sessions of after-care, but emotions like inferiority etc. can stay for days. frequently bottoming leaves me emotionally sensitive afterwards but i don’t wanna take that enjoyment away from her; i want it perfect for her :((
If I can try to paraphrase it sounds like you’re up for bottoming for your switch-y partner, but instead of dropping into subspace you still keep that hyper-awareness that comes naturally to tops. Sounds like the kind of topping she likes leaves you feeling inferior and jumpy for days after, even though she tries to do good aftercare for you. And finally, you want her to enjoy herself too but it’s coming at your expense. Does all that sound about right?
I’m going to invite you to try on that you’re not really a switch. Not saying you aren’t, just asking you to consider what if you’re not.
If you were always a top, even when you let her play with you, you could keep the topping hierarchy in mind:
- Sub’s needs
- Dom’s needs
- Dom’s wants
- Sub’s wants
A good top “wants it perfect” for their partner. That’s you. A good top never loses control and stays vigilant to what’s going on instead of going into subspace and letting their partner be responsible. That sounds like you too!
I’m suggesting this in part because if you were (literally, in this case) “topping from the bottom” in the sense that you were indulging your partner by letting her perform specific tasks then many of her words and actions might tend to roll off her back rather than land hard on you.
You’re vigilant (not “overthinking”) so while you’re indulging her you could at least mentally be adding “good girl, look at you topping me” each time she tries something. Of course you don’t need to let her know.
The above would be a way for you to address her (occasional, right?) needs.
Now. Using our little thought experiement let’s look at your needs because “Dom’s needs” comes second on that list. It sounds like your partner may be topping you in ways that make her happy but leave you rattled. Does that sound right?
Turn it around and say “if I was topping her in ways I wanted that left her rattled for days, how would I change things up?” If she had real Dom tendencies she’s check in with you and make her own adjustments, really clarify your boundaries with you, and play inside those boundaries.
And if you were a real Dom (as I suspect) you’d probably not consider your own feelings, figuring you could adjust/accommodate to meet hers. (Though, really, Doms and Daddies have to have their own boundaries and limits as well, they’re usually unconscious since as the initiator you’re going to tend not to do things that push your boundaries.)
She may want to top you certain ways, but you need to be topped in ways that don’t leave you feeling let down and jumpy for days after. In the D/S stack your needs as the Dom comes higher than her wants.
Finally, you want to let her “top” you. Just not necessarily the way she wants to. In the D/S stack your wants come higher than hers. So…
Alright. All of the above was just a thought experiment. You may both really be switches. But looking at how things might go if you were an indulgent Dom you can see some steps you might take to protect yourself.
TBH it still sounds to me like you’re a top and she’s not, or she’s not a very good one. But even if that’s not the case, here’s a little tip:
The steps I outlined above are still pretty good things a switch or Sub can do to protect themselves and enjoy themselves as well with a less experienced or less responsible partner!
Best of luck to you and your partner. Feel free to share this with her and see what she thinks. I really do hope you can both to be able to enjoy yourselves no matter how you play. Let me know what you think.
everthine-evermine-everours-2:
“Foreplay” and “aftercare” aren’t “just as important as sex.” Foreplay and aftercare are sex! It feels fucking wonderful!
i get wet from being teased and humiliated and i get even more wet from being teased and humiliated about how wet i am!!!! it is a dangerous game!!!!
I…
Yeah…
This is one of the best kinds of humiliation play though! Cause I can’t tease you for being turned on unless you’re turned on. And I can’t tease you for getting more turned on by my teasing unless being teased about it actually turns you on!
Plus if we didn’t both want you to be really turned on we wouldn’t bother playing that game in the first place, would we?
And finally, it’s the best kind of play because as opposed to other kinds of power-gradient play and, especially, darker humiliation play, the “aftercare” is going to feel pretty good too, isn’t it?
“Wow, I was really horny, wasn’t I?” “Yeah, teaspoon, you really were, weren’t you?” “Thank you, it was awesome” “No, thank you, you’re wonderful” “No, thank you!”
Sigh.
Aftercare is essential.
A Poetic Dominant © 2018
That first one…swallowed up in your arms…my favorite place in the world @her-lucifer
Aftercare is as much a part of kink as… every other part!
Hey, the girl from that last post about dom’ing here – thank you so, so much for answering and being so kind. It really means a lot to me. I knew that coming to you would be the best solution since you’re so experienced and very caring with your answers. Have the best of days and then some, you deserve it. I really appreciate it.
Oh thank you for letting me know. I’m always pleased but also surprised if I can be helpful.
The wonderful thing, I realized after I posted your ask, is that no matter who you top in the future you’ll always make sure to give her enough aftercare too.
Thanks again.
Hi! I’m in a lesbian relationship and I dom more often than not. She’s very sweet and we always say how much we love each other when we finish. When she doms however, I overthink and feel very ashamed after I come; this is because in a past experience, I hadn’t been able to tell apart my partner taking on the role of dom or genuinely being angry with me. Is it stupid to ask for more aftercare? As a dom, the request makes me feel very embarrassed and ashamed.
First of all 💕💜💕💜💕!!!
And second of all, I get that you feel ashamed and embarrassed after you come, and that you feel terrible about it. I’m so sorry. All I can say is you’re not alone, ok? And there’s nothing wrong with you or how you feel. You’re ok. You’re going to be ok too.
The kink-o-sphere is full of memes about how we feel when we’re horny vs not. And it’s surprisingly common even for vanilla people (not just kinky or woke ones) to feel terrible, guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, or disgusted with themselves after they’ve come.
Rule #1 of topping or being topped: aftercare, like “foreplay,” is part of sex and not something you staple on before or after. It’s like cleaning up your campsite is part of camping, and doing the dishes is part of dinner. (Sorry for going a little off topic, just had to get that part out of the way because not enough people get it.)
Rule #2 of topping or being topped: aftercare isn’t complete till you’re both back on your feet and feel good about yourself and your partner. (I say both because sometimes tops need a little aftercare too after pushing their boundaries to give you the topping you need.)
Rule #2 says it’s not stupid at all to ask for enough aftercare. Not “more” aftercare, enough aftercare!
You’re perfectly normal – aftercare was invented because so many Subs need it because they have feelings just like yours after their scenes. They talk about it more after S&M and bondage because there’s often such a physical component that bottoms need blankets, rehydration, sometimes massage and minor first aid, etc.
But!
It especially sounds like maybe when you switch with your partner you get into humiliation play as well as punishment. That can be really hot when you’re sailing – you in subspace and she in… “superspace” or whatever you want to call where tops minds go. But when you’re done the emotional thumping can leave your heart and ego as bruised as a caning can leave your butt bruised.
It’s a top’s job to bring you back, to reassure you, to cuddle and comfort and hold you and reassure you. To let you know they didn’t mean any of the things they said.
And finally, as the more experienced top you probably understand really well what your partner’s boundaries and limits and needs are. If she’s going to top you she needs to understand yours just as clearly. And address them and respect them.
I’m not even a little mad at her, by the way. Or you. Not even close.
Instead I want to reassure you that she means it from the bottom of her heart when she says she loves you after. That she respects you. That she wants you “back” afterwards as much as you want to be back. It’s ok to coach her – Subs can be more experienced than Doms, right?
It can be a little tough being a vulnerable mess if you’re usually the “strong” one in your relationship, and might be a little odd for her to have to hold you up when you’re usually the strong one. And if that’s your usual role then it can be kind of a reflex to feel embarrassed and ashamed… to feel like you’ve somehow failed. But I promise if she’s happy or at least comfortable switching with you… if you’re not kind of pushing her into it for your own benefit… then she’s probably not going to mind taking enough time to bring you back.
Remember Rule #2: Subs need enough aftercare, not “some” aftercare or “more” aftercare. If a top isn’t prepared to and able to have a complete sex scene with their partner (foreplay, play, and aftercare = sex) it’s better for everybody if they don’t begin.
If nothing else, if you’re left unhappy after a scene you’re going to have a harder time wanting to do it again.
Thanks for the wonderful question. Best of luck to you and your sweetie – you both really deserve it.
Make her cum until she’s dehydrated so you can care for her like the dumb little baby she is.
Oooh, making you come till you’re a dumb little baby???
Then rehydrating you till you’re a brilliant, engaged person all good as new?
Both are lovely, but both together is divine!
Question to all followers:
What do you count as Aftercare? Is it something that is tailored to all individually? Do you have a specific routine that you and your partner follow after any play session? What is Aftercare for you?
Typically, Sir gets me water and anything else I need that may be scene related like a towel or an ice pack if impact play has been particularly enthusiastic. I’m helped out of any kind of binding clothes; like a corset, so I’m comfy. We’ve agreed that I am to receive LOTS of cuddles. I am not to be left alone until I am ok to make that judgment and am mentally more coherent. After the initial parts of aftercare, there is usually talk about what happened and what worked/didn’t etc. If I need food Sir will bring me a snack and maybe make some tea as well. If we’re up for it there’s movie or tv watching with cuddles.
I have two equally useful, important, and simultaneous non-sexual models for aftercare. They’re very different models but it works best to use them both at the same time.
1) How would you treat a friend you’ve coached through completed a challenging amateur athletic event? A 5k run, maybe, or a karate or judo class tournament? A soccer or lacrosse or crew match. Or anything, really, where they challenged not just their bodies but their minds and hearts? If your answer is “the second they cross the finish line I’m checking my email or heading down the pub” you’re… not only not much of a coach, you’re not a friend either.
Worse, they’ll never want you to coach them again, will they? Could you even possibly blame them?
2) If you were (non-artificial) vanilla how would you treat a lover who’d pulled out all the romantic stops for you on your anniversary or birthday – made your favorite meal, served your favorite drinks, led you into a bedroom with freshly made sheets, and absolutely rocked your world? If your answer is “the second I get my jollies I’m gonna go start the dishwasher and ask if now’s a good time to go over our receipts” then you’re not just a boring, ungrateful, unimaginative drudge, you’re not much of a lover either.
Worse, they’ll never want to do shit for you ever again, will they?
So what do you count as aftercare with a partner? And could you even possibly blame them?
Ok. So. There’s exactly zero, nothing at all, that permits a Dom, a Daddy, or any other kind of top to be less responsible or attentive than a coach or a vanilla lover, whether or not you’ve gotten your rocks off.
Here’s a final clue: “aftercare,” like “foreplay,” is a made-up bullshit word to help people who need a little crutch to understand that “sex” is more than “my dick in a hole till I come.” Foreplay isn’t “before sex,” it’s sex. “Aftercare” isn’t after a BDSM scene, it’s the rest of the scene!
You’re the top… the coach… the recipient of a huge amount of trust and vulnerability from your lover and partner. You helped them get started and over, and through. You saw and helped them every step of the way. And if you’re responsible and attentive you probably have a pretty good idea what your partner needs, wants, appreciates, and enjoys while they’re cooling down and chilling out and maybe rehydrating and stretching and icing too. Give them the affection, attention, acknowledgment, appreciation, and maybe aspirin they need to… want to do it, and do it with you, next time.
What’s the point of bondage if there’s no bonding?
Not to be judgmental or anything, but anyone who doesn’t think “aftercare” is part of kink instead of some kind of separate afterthought is a moron who doesn’t know what they’re missing.
What’s the point of bondage if there’s no bonding?