Posts Tagged ‘Ask a Daddy’
So, I’ve never been in a real relationship and I’m 31. I usually am busy taking care of my family’s drama and trying to get my life back on track, but I don’t know how to date properly or do relationships. I have trust issues and don’t know how to go about trusting a guy, much less letting him know what I am into. Any advise?
Thanks so much for asking. I don’t know if you’ll appreciate my advice but it’s heartfelt. You’ve never been in a relationship. You’ve gotten wrapped up in family drama. You’re trying to get back on track now that you’re in your 30s, but you have trust issues too?
I’m pretty sure the best relationship-finding advice I can offer is to talk to a counselor. Not because you’re “crazy” – it’s another useless stereotype that counselors are only for “crazy” people, or that only “crazy” people go to counselors!
Instead I’m saying it because between trust issues and what you’ve said about dealing with family drama, a good counselor can help you separate yourself from your family drama enough to start having your own life. And help you enough with trust issues to start having a life with someone else. Besides your family, I mean.
The reason I’m recommending this is that with a little outside professional perspective, help, and support you may not feel like you have to choose between all of the above. You can still support your family without being drawn in, establish yourself in your own social and career life, and maybe even find someone you can trust. And maybe even find someone who’ll be into the same things you are!
I’m a kinky person and I’m guessing you may have some kinky feelings too. And so it may surprise you when I say that kink doesn’t bypass the rights and responsibilities of vanilla relationships. Kink extends those things, but a kink relationship is still a relationship. There’s no “instead of.” And as I’ve probably said in the past, when it comes to kinky relationships you’ve got to learn how to walk before you can crawl.
We all have a real tendency to say “I can figure this out on my own.” But as gently as possible I’m going to say that for most of us if that were true we’d have already done it!
The wonderful, awesome, best news in the world, though, is that you’ve taken the first big step: you’ve asked someone for help! Good for you. There are so many people who never do! They just continue thinking “I can figure it out myself” until they’re 93 and not 31!
The second most important step, though, is to understand that this isn’t a question that can be answered in an anonymous ask. Because all I or pretty much anyone can say is “talk to someone who’s trained to talk to people just like you.” Not “crazy” people like you. And me! I’ve never been crazy as far as I know but I’ve gotten a ton of benefit from talking to various counselors over the years… once I got over the notion that I could “figure it out myself!” You can too.
Best of luck, ok? I’m not going to say “thank you” for asking this important question. Instead I’m going to say “good for you!” You’ve done the hardest part.
hi! long time fan, haha. what’s the best way to comfort an insecure Daddy without being patronizing? I’d love to tell mine how much I adore every curve and stretch mark and freckle, ect. but I don’t know how to do it without worrying that I’m breaking “character” or my “role” so to speak if that makes sense?
This is a wonderful question! Thank you so much for asking. It’s important to remember that Daddies and other men-identifying people can be just as self-conscious about our looks as anybody else. And just as annoyingly difficult to convince otherwise!
As the old Red Green show tagline used to go, “If the women can’t find you handsome they should at least find you handy.” Which was just ridiculously tragic, because, in fact, quite a few women are over the moon about “dad bodies” and “teddybears.” (Also waifs, nerds, and other non-ruggedly-manly body types.) This is something that wayyy too many men don’t realize.
So what’s the best way to comfort a Daddy who’s insecure about his curves, stretch marks, and freckles? I honestly can’t say – I’ve had very little luck convincing anybody they’re attractive if they’re convinced they’re not.
It wasn’t till I started posting naked or nearly-naked selfies that I believed it. It’s one of those weird “who are you going to believe, everyone else or my own lying eyes” things where I look at myself and I still can’t believe it. I’m just outvoted. (I don’t necessarily recommend he start posting nearly-naked selfies, and you might not want him to either, but he’d probably be surprised how outvoted he was.)
But let’s talk about something else for a second. You said you didn’t know how to do it without breaking out of D/Lg character with him. First of all I’m gonna say there are a million ways to do it in character: just shower him with “handsome, gorgeous, sexy Daddy” or “big, strong teddybear Daddy” or maybe “can I kiss you everywhere you’re handsome, Daddy?”
But I’m also going to say it’s ok to say “Daddy, I’m going to have to put on my big-girl pants for a minute and have a heart-to-heart talk.” Because even in 24/7 relationships there are going to be times when you and he have to talk like adults in a relationship… which of course you both actually are! Kink relationships are still relationships! They don’t erase or invalidate vanilla-relationship responsibilities, they extend them. And that can include things like conversations about mental health, biological health, financial issues, work or school schedules, and reassurances about self-esteem.
Best of luck to you and to your very lucky Daddy. And thanks so much for asking about this!
🙈 Back with another cockwarming (ish) question. Can someone cockwarm with their mouth? Or is that something different? And thank you for answering my previous question.
What a sweet question! And you’re welcome about my last answer too.
Readers may remember that cock warming (as defined by Urban Dictionary, for instance, means…
cock warming
The act of a man slipping his erection into his partner’s vagina or ass in order to keep warm – a more intimate version of spooning.
eg. “Jake held Jenny close for a bit of cock warming before they fell asleep.”
You may also remember the nerdy tidbit that it seems to be popular with fans (and fanfic writers) of Korean K-pop.
If you ask me I’m going to say that while one can cock-warm someone with their mouth I prefer the term cock nursing. As in…
“Meanwhile, under his desk Jenny softly cock nursed Jake while he did important Daddy spreadsheet things on his computer.”
Thanks for asking! Let me know whether you think cock nursing is different from cockwarming. (I think either way it’s a wonderful feeling.)
How do you feel about the idea that a person’s value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on that person? Do you think it is possible that they are so busy you wouldn’t hear from them for days at a time but it has nothing to do with how they feel about you?
Sorry I couldn’t answer this earlier. This is a very important question!
The short answer is no, no matter how busy, depressed, or under the weather, a partner should always find a way to check in.
That said… I’m actually really fucking terrible at this! I think a lot of hard-core introverts are. You’d think that since I’m physically very affectionate – not just sexually, hugs, and kisses but also cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, shoulder leaning, nose booping, etc. – that I’d also be super communicative.
One that last one hits ao many of my shy, “don’t want to bother you,” “can’t talk right now” introvert reflexes, the others really don’t!
This is not an excuse. But it’s a good reminder that, as roughly blocked out by the “Five Love Languages” theory, that different people can have very different but equally heartfelt ways of expressing love, care, and concern for each other. And, more importantly, different people can have very different ways of receiving expressions of love, care, and concern.
The canonical “love languages” are listed as Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. In my opinion that’s a good first approximation but practice it’s not inclusive and there are overlaps so it’s a mix and match system, not an exact one. And the really important part isn’t that someone has one language or another but that you and they may not have the same language.
To answer your actual question, if their “love language” is Quality Time then yes, absolutely, your value to them is directly proportional to the time they spend with you and the effort they take to spend that time with you. But if that’s not how they express then you can both be head-over-heels, heart-achingly important to each other and… still both of you feeling there’s something wrong.
For instance if, instead, their “love language” is something like gifts or doing things for you, you might be sitting there fuming like a chimney because they were busy wasting days in their workshop or kitchen lovingly crafting something (acts of service) for you (gifts) when they could have been there (quality time) with you (physical touch.) And then they’re sitting there hurt that you hug them (physical touch) when you see them but never say (words of affirmation) how much you appreciated the watch or necklace they saved and saved to get you (gifts.)
That all might seem like a long way of excusing awful tendency to leave people on read… but more than once I’ve literally (not figuratively, literally!) traveled all day just to give someone a hug (physical touch) or sit with them all night when they’re ill (quality time, acts of service.)
Your mileage, and theirs, in other words, may vary considerably. Don’t ever be a doormat but do spend a little time trying to figure out if they’re trying to say “I love you” some other way.
It’s an important question, thank you for asking. And best of luck!
I have a question I kind of feel silly asking… 🙈 But what is cock-warming? I’ve seen it mentioned more and more in blog posts.
What a fun question! Thanks for asking! Cockwarming (or cock-warming, or cock warming) is essentially intercourse with a penis without moving. There are sometimes D/S or exhibitionist overtones but it can also be 100% vanilla.
For instance, in vanilla terms it can just be “spooning plus” where two people cuddle or fall asleep while connected.
As exhibitionism or risk-taking it can be surreptitiously sitting on a man’s cock at a party, an event, or, say, at the beach.
As D/S it can be a form of service, discipline, or denial where one or both of you perform unrelated activities after penetration, with various rewards or consequences for losing control and starting to move and/or losing arousal.
That bit about losing arousal is actually pretty realistic. While we hear about perfectly motionless intercourse lasting for hours in, say, stories about “tantric” sex, most people need at least a little bit of ongoing stimulation to stay hard or wet. The good news is that it’s often the thought that counts.
Finally, hmmm… as I usually do I did a couple of quick searches to see if there was anything I was missing and the answer was yes! Unfortunately, Google’s Ngram service only goes through 2008 and records no hits in the last 200 years, so it’s a pretty new term. The first use I could find on Google was from Etsy, which offered novelty knitted or crocheted penis cozies sometime after 2012. According to Google it first showed up with its current meaning on the Urban Dictionary in early 2014. (Yes, I am such a nerd!)
But!!! One reason it might have noticed seeing it more often might be because the term seems to have been picked up recently in Korean k-pop lyrics and fan-fic. There are a ton of references and/or images of k-pop stars associated with the use of the term.
So there you go! Totally nerdy Daddy-splaining answer that was fun to research. Thanks so much for asking!
But p.s. It’s also awfully fun to do… and while it might be super hard to stay completely still it’s awfully fun to cheat, whether it’s with slow, sleepy wriggles while spooning, or mischevious grinding squeezes and shifting while lap sitting. A perfect way to start or end a sleepy, lazy Sunday morning, hmm?
my boyfriend and i were facetiming and i said something like “can’t wear that bc i have man shoulders” n he goes “yea u do hv some man shoulders” and i was like haha thank u! for shitting on my already terrible self-esteem. when all i’ve been doing is relapsing in my eating disorder and body checking constantly and all i can think about is how much i eat. and all i wanna do now is be petty and ignore him. like that just pisses me off. yea it may be true but if you know i hate myself that much???
I want to be hyper careful about answering because ED is serious, ok? Like. If you’re worried you’re falling then stop long enough to check in with your caregiver or sponsor or support people.
Triggering is so tough sometimes. I say this because if someone said “I have man shoulders” I’d probably also say “you do,” but I’d mean it as a total complement! For a lot of guys, me included, nice shoulders on a woman are hot!
Unless “man shoulders” is some kind of fashion or ED euphemism I’m not familiar with. That your boyfriend might not be familiar with either. (If he does, and if he knows you’ve been struggling lately, then it wasn’t very responsible of him.)
But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Triggering happens in the midbrain, at a level before the “rational” coreyex kicks in. So I really want to acknowledge that he said something and you feel really hurt and angry and, especially, not supported. I’m sorry and he probably is too.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, ok? But please do things that really take care of yourself.
I’m of the opinion that if your SO thinks it’s ok to talk to you like that you need to move on. Passing insults like that are not ok. You don’t talk shit like that to people you love and care about. If you have something to say that could hurt your SO’s feelings, isn’t it your first nature to word it in a way where they understand the sentiment and can be constructive with it while sparing their feelings and being respectful? I don’t understand how that shit can come out of his mouth to you and he thinks it’s ok. I’m kind of hair triggered on the subject because my first relationship started at my standard of mutual respect and 4 years in this guy had gotten comfortable enough to call me fat bitch/cunt etc regularly, and I felt like I wasn’t tolerating it and setting boundaries because I never used that kind of language at him and I would tell him it wasn’t ok. I stopped tolerating it when I dumped his fucking ass.
Just want to be clear that if having ”man shoulders” is some kind of intentional euphemism or insult that I’ve never heard of yeah, taking care of yourself includes moving on.
Hi! (I love your blog💕) Do you have a partner? Or are you the Daddy of many kittens without commitment?? Just wondering :) I feel like you would be great as a husband idk why lol
Thanks for your kind words. I seem to have been a very good father, but I’m afraid I’m a much better Daddy than I was or would be a husband. What makes me attractive in small doses drives most people crazy in large doses. As someone once said, “goddam, your girlfriend could you replace you with a vibrator, a hot water bottle, and an encyclopedia!” 😂
Sigh. Sometimes I think they were right. Well except for forehead kisses. I’m very good at forehead kisses. And nose boops. And kissing on the couch. I’m pretty good at those things.
my boyfriend and i were facetiming and i said something like “can’t wear that bc i have man shoulders” n he goes “yea u do hv some man shoulders” and i was like haha thank u! for shitting on my already terrible self-esteem. when all i’ve been doing is relapsing in my eating disorder and body checking constantly and all i can think about is how much i eat. and all i wanna do now is be petty and ignore him. like that just pisses me off. yea it may be true but if you know i hate myself that much???
I want to be hyper careful about answering because ED is serious, ok? Like. If you’re worried you’re falling then stop long enough to check in with your caregiver or sponsor or support people.
Triggering is so tough sometimes. I say this because if someone said “I have man shoulders” I’d probably also say “you do,” but I’d mean it as a total complement! For a lot of guys, me included, nice shoulders on a woman are hot!
Unless “man shoulders” is some kind of fashion or ED euphemism I’m not familiar with. That your boyfriend might not be familiar with either. (If he does, and if he knows you’ve been struggling lately, then it wasn’t very responsible of him.)
But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Triggering happens in the midbrain, at a level before the “rational” coreyex kicks in. So I really want to acknowledge that he said something and you feel really hurt and angry and, especially, not supported. I’m sorry and he probably is too.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, ok? But please do things that really take care of yourself.
how come no one wants to be my daddy? Will you be my daddy?
Sometimes it can seem like nobody wants us, can’t it? And sometimes we can blame it on our particular kinks or orientations, professions or income, health or heritage, age or experiences.
It’s hard enough for vanilla people to find a perfect match, even though most other people are vanilla too. There are just so many conditions that affect compatibility, aren’t there? And so it’s even harder when on top of basic compatibility you need to find someone whose kink is compatible with yours as well.
But sooner or later we all find someone. Like most people though you’ll likely find the Daddy you’ve been looking for. Most likely when you least expect it.
Best of luck!
hiiii sorry this will probably be a dumb question but i’m super shy (like will pass out in front of a crowd shy) but i’m also really needy and my husband loves it but i feel like they don’t go together? sorry english isn’t my first language
Hi! It’s not a dumb question. Forgive my English (as a first language) for not understanding part of it though. Feel free to send me a private/direct message if you’d like to clarify.
Since you’re shy and might be self-conscious about messaging me directly I’m going to try to repeat your question though, and then answer it as best I can. Would that be ok?
It sounds like you’re saying you’re really needy, and that your husband loves it, but you’re also so shy you could pass out in front of a crowd. Ordinarily those two things might seem fine but you’re concerned they don’t go together.
1) This is only a guess, remember, but could you be saying that even though you’re really shy your husband likes to tease you till you beg him to do things for you? Perhaps in a way that goes against your sense of being a “good girl?” If so then that’s a pretty common thing for dominant and sadistic partners to do. What’s important is whether you like it too.
If you do like it or don’t mind it then great – good girls, and shy girls, can be *very* needy when they’re aroused without it saying anything about what kind of person they are when they’re not aroused. We’re often very different people when we are and aren’t aroused and there’s nothing wrong with that.
If you don’t like it then it’s ok to tell your husband that while you love him and want to have sex with him you don’t consent to him teasing you that way. (Do you think you could do that?)
2) Another guess could be that even though you’re really shy could it be that when you’re aroused you get really vocal and take actions that seem unlike your regular not-aroused self?
If that’s true, and if your husband enjoys that you’re that way too, then as I said above there’s nothing wrong with that at ail. Once again, who we are when we’re aroused can be very different from who we are in day-to-day life. You’re just as good a person, a wife, a family member, a member of society no matter how “naughty” you are during sex.
I still feel like I may have misinterpreted you. And depending on your English skills I hope my sentences haven’t been too complicated. So I’ll repeat my invitation to message me to clarify.
Finally, since you’re shy I want you to know that I believe private messages are private – I won’t ever willingly share something anyone says in a private message. So I won’t tease you, reveal you, or reveal anything you say without your permission. If you’re still not comfortable it’s ok to leave another Ask like this one, even though it’ll be harder to have a back-and-forth conversation.
Again, not a dumb question at all. And unless I’m really mistaken you’re talking about a feeling that lots of people have. And worry about even though they don’t need to.
Thanks again for asking!