Same story for evil cops. Environments that allow predators and abusers to thrive and be protected are going to fill up with predators and abusers no matter how good the people around them are.

It happens in a lot of fields. Cops, social workers, priests, volunteers who work with kids, foster parents. Predators operate at their peak in positions of authority where they can act unquestioned.

Might want to add abusive “Doms” and “Daddies” in the D/S community…

Pro tip from an older, experienced gentleman for low-information, zero-experience boys: There’s generally a pussy between a girl’s legs.  And a butthole.  And maybe a little butt-crack lint if you’ve been wearing flannel pajamas.  And that’s about it.  No butterflies.  No secrets.  Just a little anatomy.

Not to be a grumpy Daddy or anything but anyone who imagines your only “secrets” are between your legs they’ve got a pretty goddamn low opinion of you, don’t they?

Look.  It’s ok to like assholes with shitty opinions.  Or to be attracted to them.  Or even to prefer them over everyone else.  Lots of people do!

But you don’t have to listen to them, you don’t have to respect them, and you sure as hell don’t have to believe them.


Why does BDSM have to involve pushing the s-type’s boundaries so often? Can it be valid D/s if nobody’s boundaries are being pushed? I’m not interested in pushing the boundaries of others but I’m definitely not vanilla/egalitarian. I limit my dominance/sadism to people who can ignore it at least, enthusiastically like it at most, whose boundaries aren’t anywhere near anything I’d do. Is this not a way to be a d-type?


Hi, @bloodpillowbook !

BDSM doesn’t *have* to involve pushing boundaries, at least not in the sense that it seems like you are thinking. I think a lot of people misunderstand what people are saying when they talk about pushing them, and that’s really on those of us who write about kink because we don’t always explain ourselves well.

In my experience, there are two different types of boundaries- there are those that someone doesn’t want pushed, and those that they do. It’s basically similar to the concept of soft limits vs hard limits. A soft limit should be approached with care and only after discussion, whereas a hard limit should never be approached at all.

With boundaries, there are going to be times when someone genuinely wants those pushed, and that’s when it comes into play. Maybe they feel like they don’t tolerate pain well but are super interested in seeing how far they can take it, for example. Or maybe they are trying to overcome an aversion to toys. It could be any number of things depending on the person. Those cases are the ones wherein the d-type should be pushing boundaries, but of course just as with a soft-limit, there needs to be discussion beforehand and the situation needs to be approached with an abundance of care.

But again, that’s only when the s-type genuinely wants to test those boundaries. There is *nothing* that says we (as d-types) should be pushing every boundary. Frankly, if a partner tells me they arent comfortable with something and doesn’t express a desire to get comfortable with it, I treat it like a hard limit until they tell me otherwise. There is a big difference between “I’m not great with pain but it’s something I really want to work on” and “I don’t enjoy pain”, you know? And while it certainly merits discussion if someone’s boundaries/limits are your “must haves”, one of the cardinal sins a d-type can commit is to try and persuade someone into doing something they don’t want to do.

Also worth mentioning: d-types have limits and boundaries too, and if one of your boundaries is that you don’t want to push anyone else’s boundaries, that’s absolutely valid! You’re not doing it “wrong” because there isn’t one objectively “right” way to do this. I have plenty of limits and boundaries for myself and every other d-type I know does too.

The bottom line is you’re absolutely well within your rights to not want to push someone’s boundaries! Just make sure that whoever you play with understands that so that you can both be on the same page, because some people are genuinely looking to have at least some of their boundaries pushed.

Thank you for writing in! Best of luck on your path!


So nicely said!  It’s pretty important to recognize the difference between D/S or S&M kinks and, you know, psychopathology and dissociation.  Or abuse and codependence.


When doms grab you by the jaw and smoosh your cheeks in a little then trace their thumb across your bottom lip. Mhm.

I… like to do that! Little bit cruel but always tempered with a little reassuring sweetness. So you feel like you’re on an adventure and not an ordeal.

hiiii sorry this will probably be a dumb question but i’m super shy (like will pass out in front of a crowd shy) but i’m also really needy and my husband loves it but i feel like they don’t go together? sorry english isn’t my first language

Hi!  It’s not a dumb question.  Forgive my English (as a first language) for not understanding part of it though.  Feel free to send me a private/direct message if you’d like to clarify.  

Since you’re shy and might be self-conscious about messaging me directly I’m going to try to repeat your question though, and then answer it as best I can.  Would that be ok?

It sounds like you’re saying you’re really needy, and that your husband loves it, but you’re also so shy you could pass out in front of a crowd.  Ordinarily those two things might seem fine but you’re concerned they don’t go together.

1) This is only a guess, remember, but could you be saying that even though you’re really shy your husband likes to tease you till you beg him to do things for you?  Perhaps in a way that goes against your sense of being a “good girl?”  If so then that’s a pretty common thing for dominant and sadistic partners to do.  What’s important is whether you like it too.  

If you do like it or don’t mind it then great – good girls, and shy girls, can be *very* needy when they’re aroused without it saying anything about what kind of person they are when they’re not aroused.  We’re often very different people when we are and aren’t aroused and there’s nothing wrong with that.

If you don’t like it then it’s ok to tell your husband that while you love him and want to have sex with him you don’t consent to him teasing you that way.  (Do you think you could do that?)

2) Another guess could be that even though you’re really shy could it be that when you’re aroused you get really vocal and take actions that seem unlike your regular not-aroused self?

If that’s true, and if your husband enjoys that you’re that way too, then as I said above there’s nothing wrong with that at ail.  Once again, who we are when we’re aroused can be very different from who we are in day-to-day life.  You’re just as good a person, a wife, a family member, a member of society no matter how “naughty” you are during sex.  

I still feel like I may have misinterpreted you.  And depending on your English skills I hope my sentences haven’t been too complicated.  So I’ll repeat my invitation to message me to clarify.

Finally, since you’re shy I want you to know that I believe private messages are private – I won’t ever willingly share something anyone says in a private message.  So I won’t tease you, reveal you, or reveal anything you say without your permission.  If you’re still not comfortable it’s ok to leave another Ask like this one, even though it’ll be harder to have a back-and-forth conversation.

Again, not a dumb question at all.  And unless I’m really mistaken you’re talking about a feeling that lots of people have.  And worry about even though they don’t need to.

Thanks again for asking!

So I was at a munch with my dom and they asked the subs to go around and say what our most recent punishment my Daddy said I didn’t have to but I did I got lines for forgetting to drink my whole water bottle three times it’s a rule I’m very new to submission so Daddy wasn’t even mad They told me I’m bad for doing that and they were shocked I only got limes and how I deserve worse Am I really bad Daddy stopped them and took me home and we’re not going back but is he just being nice



No, he is being a good and loving Dom who recognizes that punishment should be proportional to the infraction, and who recognizes that how the two of you “do D/s” is your decision, not those bunch of people, who sound like idiots to me. 

Wow. I have never had a munch experience like this where I was forced to answer some question, let alone being judged for that response. Hopefully you can find a different munch in your area, anon. I’ve been to several in my area, and zero of them has been like this.

Ahahah!  What a total violation of munch protocol!  Also D/S protocol!  

Not to sound prickly but it’s roughly the equivalent of asking the Exhibitionists to go around and flash their asses.  And then calling someone bad a bad Exhibitionist because they didn’t want to.

“Oh, but we’re only talking about erotic punishments so it’s ok.”  No, you’re talking about group humiliation-play on all the Subs.

The “good” news is that it sounds like the munch was for folks who share a very particular and narrow definition of “high protocol” or somesuch nonsense.  The bad news is that, like a lot of “communities” they manage to alienate pretty much everyone who doesn’t share that particularly narrow definition.

There’s a reason why the vast majority of kinksters don’t get involved in the local “community.”  It’s usually because it’s not really much of a community at all.

That said!  There’s also nothing wrong with saying “wait a minute, is this really appropriate for a munch?”  Even if you’re new.  It’s one of those “see something, say something” situations.  

all the guys ive been with have been so greedy so i have never actually gotten to sit down in front of a dick and actually explore it the way I want to, its always dictated by them like do this and do that amd facefucking and sometimes i didnt even want to. i just want to be with a nice guy and i want to feel a desire for his body and get to touch him and taste him because i want to, the way i want to, not unwillingly be dictated by him. is that crazy?


not crazy at all having sex is like being part of a team, you should be striving towards the benefit of everyone involved

it takes two to tango, and if both of y’all ain’t getting what they want then what the fucks the point?

Ok.  Look.  Doesn’t matter how ding-dang-diddly Domly you are, if you’ve got a dick… and a body for that matter… you’ve got to give your sweetie a chance to get to know you like this.

As a near-obligate top this lesson was unbelievably hard to learn, by the way.  But someone said “let me do this, I need you to.”  And so I did. But it turned out to be so worth it that I can honestly say I wasn’t a good lover till I let her discover me.

Because we can get so tied up (haha) with our notions about CNC and domination and power exchanging and (for us D/Lg types) “Daddy knows best,” plus 10,000 gendered jokes it’s easy to forget that our partners actively want us too!

Kinky partners are still partners! 

thanks for being a positive role model to the men on this site who don’t know how to properly dom and instead say uncomfortable and scary things to us subs

Thanks for your kind words. I say what I do to remind myself, too, not just others. Because I haven’t always been a good role model. So thank you!

Seriously. On an old blog my tag line was “learning from my mistakes so you won’t have to.” It’s still true. I’ve surely made enough of them.

It’s human to learn from your own mistakes. It’s civilized to learn from the mistakes of others. Be civilized.