Hello! I saw some of your asks I read about the “starting it” one and you gave such a good answer. My bf wants to have more sex than we have now. I hate my body (I’m 5’6 with ~128 pounds). I’m trying to lose weight with sport, skipping meals etc. And he tries to feed me like “we gotta put some meat on you”. He’s looking out for me but my boobs won’t grow from that (-.-). I don’t want to sleep with him if I can’t look into the mirror without crying and hating myself..

By Thomas Oldenough | October 9, 2019 | Comments Off on Hello! I saw some of your asks I read about the “starting it” one and you gave such a good answer. My bf wants to have more sex than we have now. I hate my body (I’m 5’6 with ~128 pounds). I’m trying to lose weight with sport, skipping meals etc. And he tries to feed me like “we gotta put some meat on you”. He’s looking out for me but my boobs won’t grow from that (-.-). I don’t want to sleep with him if I can’t look into the mirror without crying and hating myself..

First of all thank you so much for checking in.  It sounds like your boyfriend would like to have sex more often than you.  And it sounds like you don’t feel good about it because you’re anxious about your figure.  As opposed to just not wanting to have sex.  Like… maybe you’d enjoy having more sex if you had a different body?  Does that sound right?

I think that last question is the most important one.  Because sometimes trying to wrestle with a million conflicting feelings about sex, wanting sex, feeling pressured or expected to have sex, and especially feeling obliged to have sex even when you want to… can make it hard to say no.  And that, in turn, can come out in other ways.  In particular, when we feel powerless (not the kinky exchange of power but literally powerless) we can go kind of sideways and say “I’m not worthy of having sex” or “I don’t deserve to have sex” or even “I’m not pretty enough to have sex.”

So I’ll ask that question again.  You mentioned that “my boobs won’t grow from that” and “I don’t want to sleep with him if I can’t look in the mirror.”  Do you really mean you’d love to have sex with him if your breasts grew or if you loved how you looked in the mirror? 

It’s an important question because, for most people, the answer is still pretty much no.

So just as a thought experiment, not because it’s the truth and definitely not because it’s an accusation or judgment, ask yourself how you’d answer if you felt you had the power to say a clear, honest yes or no and have it respected.  (Not just from your boyfriend but from all the potential partners, well-meaning relatives, and random creeps in your life.) 

Because without the power of a resounding no it’s hella hard to give an enthusiastic yes.  And, here’s the trick from the old, old book Fat is a Feminist Issue, for a hell of a lot of women, empowerment melts self-consciousness.

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I’d like to talk for just a moment about how you say you “hate your body.”  It’s exactly not helpful at all for me to say that if that’s you in your blog avatar you’re a perfectly attractive young woman, because *my* opinion isn’t what’s important, right?  And so me going “what are you talking about, you’re *beautiful* doesn’t answer the point that no, you don’t *feel* beautiful.

You mention you’re 5′6″ and 128 pounds and trying to lose weight through exercise and restricting.  We all know the infamous BMI charts are almost bullshit, but using those numbers you’re at the low end of “normal weight” for someone your height.  Just a point or two off of “underweight!”  Which might explain why your boyfriend (unhelpfully!) keeps trying to get you to eat.

I say “unhelpfully” because there’s a non-zero (possibly pretty high) chance that your boyfriend doesn’t understand how you could not like your body.  Unless he’s very immature it’s likely he thinks you’re beautiful too.  I mention this because it’s hard to be sympathetic with someone who doesn’t feel they’re the *right* kind of beautiful… *their* kind.

I want to acknowledge that you feel how you feel.  That you wish your body was a different way.  I want to acknowledge how hard that is for you – especially if you can’t get anyone to agree.

Goodness knows I feel that!  I don’t *want* to be tall and thin like a basketball player, I want to be medium height like a baseball player.  Like. It bothers me to be naked around my partners because it’s so bad.  (This may sound silly to you, but that’s my point!)

So I’ll say the trick for me has been to take it on faith that when someone else says I’m attractive they’re telling the truth.  Faith is what you need when you simply can’t believe something yourself.  It’s not religious faith, I don’t mean that.  I just mean "I’m going to go along with your wrong-headed idea that I’m attractive to you because *goodness* it’s nice how you seem crazy about me.”

In fact, that’s a sort of awesome way to think about it.  From our point of view our lovers are *literally* crazy about us! 😂

But I promise that if you can find a way to just “go along with the joke” it’ll have a surprising effect on you too.  That feeling will never go away (unfortunately) but the longer you play along the less impact it’ll have on you.  

Anyway, that’s sort of two not-very-helpful, dad’splaining answers for one Ask: do you feel able to say yes or no to sex and have it stick; are you able to “go along with the joke” when everyone around you says you’re attractive even when your self-image doesn’t see it. 

Hope either one of those makes sense.  Best of luck!  And thanks again for checking in.

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Comments Off on Hello! I saw some of your asks I read about the “starting it” one and you gave such a good answer. My bf wants to have more sex than we have now. I hate my body (I’m 5’6 with ~128 pounds). I’m trying to lose weight with sport, skipping meals etc. And he tries to feed me like “we gotta put some meat on you”. He’s looking out for me but my boobs won’t grow from that (-.-). I don’t want to sleep with him if I can’t look into the mirror without crying and hating myself..