Just to clear some things up




BDSM: 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 Yes please! So good!!! Tie me up! Beat me! Fuck me! Yeeees!😍😍😍😍😍
Domestic abuse: go die in a hole

Misogyny/misandry play: So hot! Very sexy! Yes Sir, I am your worthless little fucktoy and please use me like one.😳😳😳
Actual sexism: Get your head out of the 19th century and grow up

Raceplay: Hell yeah! I’m your inferior asian slut! Use me!
Racism: Fuck your own ass with a cactus please.

Petplay: My favorite. Pretty please call me kitty when you fuck me. (also when you dont)😻😻😻😻
Bestiality: Just don’t. Animals cant consent friend.

DDlg: Sure, daddy, let’s play. 😘😘😘
Actual peodophilia, child abuse: Don’t fuck children! Do I actually have to explain this to people? Like, they are children. They can’t consent. Okay. 

Dub-con/rapeplay: Super fun. Use me while I scream for you to stop. 😏😏😏
Rape: no. No. NO! NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! NONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!! Just No! No excuses! No she (or he) is not asking for it. No “I made a mistake”. No no no no no! Consent is everything and if you don’t respect that you should rot in a jail cell at the absolute bare minimum. 

Hope this cleared some stuff up😘 This ends your PSA, please feel free to return to your regularly scheduled pornography. (sorry for all the cussing and agressiveness. I have strong feelings here)

This. This this this this.

Always good to keep things clear.

Don’t overthink this. A rollercoaster is exciting because it’s a voluntary, controlled experience Being trapped on a runaway train is terrifying and dangerous. Skydiving is voluntary and exciting. Falling out of an airplane… isn’t.

Things partners do together are categorically different from things one person does to an involuntary victim. This is true even if all parties have been partners in other activities. It’s true even if the victim has previously participated enthusiastically.

Forcing someone on a rollercoaster when they’re not in the mood is categorically different from them asking to join you. Even if they’ve ridden in rollercoasters with you before.

Partners doing things together is categorically different from coercion, badgering, bribing, intoxicating, or seducing someone to get them to do something they don’t want to do.

You can’t be a Dom and be a Drunk



You can’t be a Dom and be a drunk.

A friend of mine sent me a text yesterday.  “You can’t be a Dom and be a drunk”  She said it in reference to the NY AG stepping down.

My response was “I’ve heard that.”  I don’t know if she got that it stung but it did.

I struggle with alcohol and have for a very long time, I’m on a path to recover now and I pursue my own aggressive brand of therapy mixing AA and Smart Recovery.

Always in the scene the Dom must be on and be emotionally and mentally fixed, prepared and certainly not impaired.  I practice that in all ways all the time during play sessions. I consider being with a partner in a D/s situation with the same gravity I take with any sort of action that could have serious consequences, whether it be riding a motorcycle, handling firearms or being in a  combat zone.

I guess my question is that as a broken person can I be a Dom? I think the answer is yes but at the same time I don’t know I guess I won’t find out until and unless I’m in a position to be with a submissive again.

On the NY AG issue, personally my belief is that he was an ill informed ass of an abuser who like many watched 50 Shades or BDSM porn and thought that shit was how it was done. 

Forgive me, friend, for tugging this up from the archives. I had it saved in my drafts because I wanted to respond to it but couldn’t quite figure out what I wanted to say.

I’m pretty sure I was the friend who said that. “You can’t be a Dom and a drunk.” And I’ve said similar things since then. The overarching thing for me is that, if you are not in control of yourself, you are not allowed to be in control of me. Period. Monsieur knows that if he goes out with friends and has too much to drink, that’s perfectly fine. But our D/s dynamic is effectively suspended until he is sober again, particularly when it comes to play. It’s a matter of safety and trust in the moment, not a judgment of his value as a Dominant.

It’s the same with you, dear friend. You are one of the good ones, and you have shown a great deal of responsibility and determination in making a lot of life changes in the time I’ve known you. Any submissive would be lucky to have you as her Dominant.

You can’t be a Dom or Daddy and a drunk. You can be a Dom or Daddy and be in recovery though. Self discipline matters in a Dom or Daddy. More important, maybe, is not being in denial.

@cherishedproperty makes the even more important point that you can’t be a Sub and a doormat or codependent. If your partner is impaired -whether by intoxication, anger, distraction, or fatigue – you gotta be up for whistling the play dead. Because your Dom can’t always.

A kink relationship is a relationship. Between equal, autonomous partners.

It’s not bad or wrong to get hammered. But it’s not ok to play with power tools while impaired. Or to operate power exchange.

You can be an awesome Dom in recovery. You can be a marvelous Sub and say this isn’t the right time.

Hats of to both @cherishedproperty and @twisted-from-lit.

Hi, I’ve just started talking to a guy. He is vastly more vanilla than I am, but I’ve been talking to him about trying more kinky things. More basic like light spanking, letting him be a little more in control, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary yet. I was wondering how to not scare him with kinker ideas and, hopefully, application of them. Thank you

Good question!  Sounds like you’re into things that might be kinkier than he’s comfortable with?  And you’d like to do more with him… or more accurately you’d like him to do more with you, without coming on “too strong?”  Just want to make sure.  Please let me know if I’ve missed an important point, ok?

I can’t speak for all guys but if it was me (hey, it has been me in the past!) then two things would work really well.

First, “slow and steady wins the race.”  Let him try those nothing-out-of-the-ordinary things with you first.  And see how he likes it.  Vanilla people, men especially, can take a little time to digest what a lot of us already know.  What you’re a living example of: Submission is its own kink, and that what you want him to do is almost by-definition is rough but not violent, domineering but not abusive.

And don’t get me wrong – we want people to be reluctant about violence and abuse!  And it’s actually a good thing to have a responsible Sub (you are going to be responsible) to help them learn how to distinguish them.  (I say you’re going to be responsible because the last thing we want is him doing those things before he understands the difference.)

Second: Let him know that the idea of him doing those things with, to, and for you makes you wet and happy.  Most men enjoy that idea rather a lot.  Even more for someone they actually care about.

If you’re still really in the “just started talking” part of a relationship and not “bring your toothbrush in your bag” stage, it’s an even better time to talk to him about it.  Being a Sub, even a hungry, horny one, doesn’t mean you’re necessarily hop in the sack with him right away.  So it’s ok to talk about not just boundaries and limits but wants and desires before you get around to doing them.  Just be clear those are ideals you have in mind, not that it’s either an invitation or a laundry list for him.

Oh, one last thing: let him know about the difference between “topping from the bottom” and mentoring him.  Be clear that your intention really is to Submit to him – and that at each point it will be his decision what he chooses to do based on your feedback.  

That said (since this is advice for everybody and not just you) it’s still his choice!  He might not want to be a Dom.  He might not want to be much of a Dom.  Or not one all the time.  You have to be ok with that too – boundaries, limits, and consent go both ways.

Let me know what you think.  Feel free to show him this post too.  I want both of you to succeed and be happy with who you both are and not who either things they or the other is “supposed” to be.

Best of luck!  And thanks for asking!


It’s little things like when I take my belt off while just changing pants and I turn around and there you are all bent over.

When folks get that Masochism and Submission are their own, independent kinks it’s a lot harder to mistake D/S or S&M for abuse.

Because it’s not always about consent, is it? No, consent is just the bare minimum requirement. An older, experienced gentleman waits till he knows you’re hungry for it. Because only a total toolbag would do it if you weren’t.


New Toyko Decadence – Pink Eiga 

This is about ethics and humiliation play, with a quick dad’splain about ethical exhibitionism.

Ok.  So.  If you’ve got an exhibitionist kink it’s still unethical to involve others without their consent.  So while it’s super hot to think about, and really hot to be in semi-public situations where you could almost get caught, it’s a total dick move to expose either yourself or a partner where unsuspecting people might see you.

This is actually well understood in the kink community.  And exhibitionism is its own kink.

Now let’s consider humilation play.

Not everyone’s into humiliation, anymore than everyone’s into exhibitionism (or any other kink!)  But!  For some people humilation play is hot as blazes!

I have to admit I didn’t really get it till a submissive friend explained it.  And then melted into a yummy little horny mess when I tried it.  (It wasn’t a hard limit for me but till I got the hang of it I probably needed more aftercare than she did!)

Anyway.  Just as the risk (and possible shame, incidentally) of being seen is usually hot enough, the idea of humiliation and shame is usually hot enough too.

But as with exhibitionism, never involve third parties in your erotic humiliation play without their consent either.


Teach girls to prioritize feeling safe over being nice.

So back in the 1950s this guy, Dag Hammarskjold I think, talked about something called an “overeducated incapacity to act.”

The example he used (in the days before air travel) was two people smelling smoke on a boat.

The first was cultured and college-educated. They smelled smoke and thought “could that be smoke?  Should I tell a crew member?  What if they think I’m an idiot?  I’m sure somebody already knows.  I won’t say anything because it woudn’t be polite.”

The second was working class.  They smelled smoke and yelled “Is that smoke?  Captain, I smell smoke!”

I don’t know if this is a true story.  (I’m not 100% sure it was really Dag Hammarskjold who told it, though that’s who it was attributed to when I learned it.)

But the point still holds, doesn’t it?  It’s nice to assume the captain knows what’s going on and is dealing with it.  It’s safe to say “smoke” when you smell smoke.

We condition huge swaths of our society to be nice at the expense of feeling safe.

In reality you can be both.  But if you have to choose?  Choose safety. 

Girls, yes.  Boys too. Even cultured, college-educated people.   

Today I understood that there is no other healthy choice but to ask for a release. What can I do to minimise emotional damage for both parties? Plus we have some mutual work projects with my (still) dom, so want to make transition as peaceful as possible. Plus this is gonna be my first d/s breakup, is there anything what should be considered/taken care of on top of usual vanilla breakup stuff?



Followers, chime in with ways you have found to separate in a compassionate way that minimizes the damage?

I think the most important thing is to be absolutely clear about what you want. I’ve seen more backsliding in D/s breakups than in vanilla ones, in part because the structure of the relationship feels so comforting. There is no way to soften the pain you will both feel when that structure disappears. So be sure about it, and don’t continue to follow rules that aren’t rules anymore.

It’s tough when you work together. But once that wraps up, I’d recommend a period of no contact. I’ve managed to salvage friendships with some of my former Doms/partners, but only after some time apart. You both need time to reset boundaries.

Good luck to you. It’s a rough transition. Reclaim yourself. And take care of yourself. <3

The big thing is to remember and communicate that there are way fewer bad people than there are bad fits.  One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard was “honor the person you met, not the one you broke up with.”  Because they’re the same person.  

It’s just that relationships have their own dynamics or even “personality” independent of the people in them.  Which sounds crazy, but you know you’ve seen it in other people when they’re in and out of relationships, or in different ones.  It’s the same for you.  Same for him too.

I’m going to gently point out that while you’re inside a D/S relationship one can “ask for a release” but let’s be clear that you’re an autonomous human being who’s exercising agency: you’re not asking to be released, you’re releasing him.  

Just understanding that can be enough to alter your dynamic.

Like.  Consider the hypothetical that you ask and he said no, he won’t release you.  Would that mean you’d have to let him continue to Dominate you?  Would you be consenting in a meaningful sense if he did?  No, not really.

And since you’re only a Sub and not a doormat or codependent, once you recognize you’re really talking about withdrawing consent it may make it easier to be clear with him if he wishes to continue at least the D/S side of your relationship.

Best of luck.

Feel sorry for the folks who imagine a grudging “I guess so” is as good as it gets.  Or needs to get.

Consent is, like, a basic ground-level, oxygen-in-the-room minimum requirement.

Sex isn’t like the wry airplain pilot quip that “any landing you can walk away from is a good landing.”

Sex isn’t like American-rules football where it’s ok to say “an ugly win is still a win.”

Sex – kinky no less than vanilla – is supposed to satisfy everybody.  Where nobody else gets to say what “satisfied” means for anybody else.

If you don’t have not just “consent” but an excited “oh yes” then U R Doing It Rong.  Or your partner is.  Or both of you are.

Hi! it’s the 19 y/o again. I just started college, the guy i’m talking to is 34. I’ve only hung out with him twice bc of distance n lack of cars, but this last time was amazing. no one has ever made me feel like that sexually or even just in general. He won’t give me a clear answer as to what we are and i just really wanna be with him. I’m also scared i’ll fuck it up because i have an eating disorder and bad depression. I always feel like no one can handle me or love me..

Part 2: still the 19 year old.. but i just wanted to add that college has been a bit rough. My eating disorder has not been kind and i’ve gained a little weight and it’s really wrecking me. i think that he won’t like me anymore or that i’m not attractive. i just have so much going through my head … ahhhh.. thank you

Thanks for checking in!  

First of all can I just say congratulations!  I remember you from last time.  I’m glad things are working out with your partner.  And can I just say it sounds like they really are working out?

Let me say that again.  You’ve known him online and gotten along.  You’ve met him twice and the last time was amazing!  Sounds like things are really working out!!!!

Good for you!  Good for him.  Lucky you!  And lucky him too!  Because you’re probably pretty wonderful.  If you weren’t there wouldn’t have been a second time, would there?

Ok.  So now a little tough love.  It might not last!  Sure.  You might let your anxiety and your eating disorder mess things up.  Or he could never give you a clear answer… or even have a clear answer!  Or distance could become too much of an obstacle.  Or he could fall for someone else.  Or, let’s be real, you could fall for someone else!

Shit like that can happen to the best relationships.

But here’s the trick: the measure of a deep, meaningful, awesome, and fullfilling relationship is not how long it lasts.

There used to be this old guy on the radio who’d do a shoutout to people who’d been married 50, or 75, or 90 years!  I think they do this on morning TV shows as well.  But, question: do you think most of those couples were happy for all 50 or 75 or 90 years?

You can actually have a perfect relationship in 24 hours – with a beautiful beginning, middle, and ending.  One you’ll never forget.  Even if you’re never be able to recapture it, even if, as in the Before Sunrise trilogy of movies, you’re able to reconnect years later.

There was a dessert chain in my town years ago.  Their motto was “life is uncertain, eat dessert first.”  Ironically they owners eventually lot interest, the quality went down, and they went out of business.  I still miss them from their early days, even though I never went towards the end of their run.

Relationships can be like that.  Including yours.  It might last forever.  It might not last much longer at all.  But!  Here’s the trick.  As with that dessert chain, always honor the person you met, not the person you broke up with!

Not everyone’s made for each other.  Not every time is the right time for a relationship to work.  Sometimes things go great but your lives take different paths.

That’s all ok!  The only “should” or “shouldn’t” in any of that is if you make a breakup a judgment about you.  

I get that you’re dealing with depression and an eating disorder.  I get that you’re struggling in college and it could be that your eating disorder is part of the problem.  I get that you and your sweetie live far apart.  I get that he doesn’t seem ready to commit to something with you.  

Gonna sound funny, but none of those have anything to do with whether you’ll work out.  I won’t have anything to do with it working out.  It won’t have anything to do with not working out.

Instead it’ll be something completely oddball and out of the blue.  Because love and relationships are like that.

But if it works out it won’t be because you’re a celestial superstar – lots of perfectly mediocre, doughy, underachieving, mopey, unlucky people have awesome relationships that last a lifetime.  But if it doesn’t work out it won’t be because you’re mediocre, doughy, mopey, underachieving, or mopey.  Because lots of stellar, super-fit, high-achieving, upbeat people can’t find love in a sleeping bag with a flashlight.

It won’t be you.  It won’t even be him!


That’s all my way of addressing your fears.  They’re real fears and I want to acknowledge them.  But!  They’re not true fears!  If that makes sense. You’re worried because you feel great and you don’t want this awesome feeling to end.  And so you’re kind of making shit up because that’s what us human beings do – we can’t help ourselves!  And you’re a wonderful human being, and because you’re a human being you can’t help yourself any more than the rest of us can.

One last thing: I hate, hate, hate pulling the age card.  (I almost always have my tongue in my cheek when I say “older, experienced” in my caption.) But in this case I’m going to say it anyway.

Be happy with this relationship and don’t worry about it ending or falling apart.  Really!  The biggest fear I’ve noticed in myself and in others is “I’ll never love again.”  Or maybe “I’ll never love like this again.”  But really, you will!  You’ll love this guy and if you do you’ll find you love him more and more.  Or when this one ends, and you think the world’s going to fall apart and your life is over, you’ll meet someone else.  And discover it gets better!

Even for depressed people.  Even for people with eating disorders.  Even people in college.  Even people with older partners.  Even people with partners far away.  And even when your last relationship included moments that no one else had ever made you feel like either sexually or in general.

Here’s the trick with that: you were able to feel that!!!  Yes, you felt it with him, but you felt that!  

Someone once told me they realized every one of their exes had only one thing in common: them.  And they said once they realized that they were able to find a partner that they’ve been with ever since.  Not because the other person was wonderful, and definitely not because that person “finally completed them.”  But because they realized they didn’t need someone else to “complete them.”

So they stopped looking for something in everyone else.

You said way up at the top that you’re worried you’re going to “fuck it up.”  Eh.  Maybe so!  But I’m going to say I bet you won’t!  That makes two equally unfounded opinions.  Choose which one you like better, though!

Why am I going on and on with personal histories and stories about movies, and unfounded opinions, and blah, blah, blah?  Easy!

I’m doing it because I want you to feel confident and encouraged, and not to worry that you might fall because if you do you’ll know you can get back up again.

Because if you’re not afraid of failing – at love, life, or poker – your chance of success goes through the roof.

Finally, yeah, he might not be willing to say “what you are” yet.  To be honest it’s kind of early days.  It’s possible he’s worried you’re too good to be true and worried that he’ll fuck it up, just like you are!  That’s what I mean by it might not be you!  

Be as generous to yourself as you want to be to your new sweetie.  Even if you aren’t “made for each other” you’re still probably both pretty awesome human beings.  

Best of luck!

Hello! I saw some of your asks I read about the “starting it” one and you gave such a good answer. My bf wants to have more sex than we have now. I hate my body (I’m 5’6 with ~128 pounds). I’m trying to lose weight with sport, skipping meals etc. And he tries to feed me like “we gotta put some meat on you”. He’s looking out for me but my boobs won’t grow from that (-.-). I don’t want to sleep with him if I can’t look into the mirror without crying and hating myself..

First of all thank you so much for checking in.  It sounds like your boyfriend would like to have sex more often than you.  And it sounds like you don’t feel good about it because you’re anxious about your figure.  As opposed to just not wanting to have sex.  Like… maybe you’d enjoy having more sex if you had a different body?  Does that sound right?

I think that last question is the most important one.  Because sometimes trying to wrestle with a million conflicting feelings about sex, wanting sex, feeling pressured or expected to have sex, and especially feeling obliged to have sex even when you want to… can make it hard to say no.  And that, in turn, can come out in other ways.  In particular, when we feel powerless (not the kinky exchange of power but literally powerless) we can go kind of sideways and say “I’m not worthy of having sex” or “I don’t deserve to have sex” or even “I’m not pretty enough to have sex.”

So I’ll ask that question again.  You mentioned that “my boobs won’t grow from that” and “I don’t want to sleep with him if I can’t look in the mirror.”  Do you really mean you’d love to have sex with him if your breasts grew or if you loved how you looked in the mirror? 

It’s an important question because, for most people, the answer is still pretty much no.

So just as a thought experiment, not because it’s the truth and definitely not because it’s an accusation or judgment, ask yourself how you’d answer if you felt you had the power to say a clear, honest yes or no and have it respected.  (Not just from your boyfriend but from all the potential partners, well-meaning relatives, and random creeps in your life.) 

Because without the power of a resounding no it’s hella hard to give an enthusiastic yes.  And, here’s the trick from the old, old book Fat is a Feminist Issue, for a hell of a lot of women, empowerment melts self-consciousness.

I’d like to talk for just a moment about how you say you “hate your body.”  It’s exactly not helpful at all for me to say that if that’s you in your blog avatar you’re a perfectly attractive young woman, because *my* opinion isn’t what’s important, right?  And so me going “what are you talking about, you’re *beautiful* doesn’t answer the point that no, you don’t *feel* beautiful.

You mention you’re 5′6″ and 128 pounds and trying to lose weight through exercise and restricting.  We all know the infamous BMI charts are almost bullshit, but using those numbers you’re at the low end of “normal weight” for someone your height.  Just a point or two off of “underweight!”  Which might explain why your boyfriend (unhelpfully!) keeps trying to get you to eat.

I say “unhelpfully” because there’s a non-zero (possibly pretty high) chance that your boyfriend doesn’t understand how you could not like your body.  Unless he’s very immature it’s likely he thinks you’re beautiful too.  I mention this because it’s hard to be sympathetic with someone who doesn’t feel they’re the *right* kind of beautiful… *their* kind.

I want to acknowledge that you feel how you feel.  That you wish your body was a different way.  I want to acknowledge how hard that is for you – especially if you can’t get anyone to agree.

Goodness knows I feel that!  I don’t *want* to be tall and thin like a basketball player, I want to be medium height like a baseball player.  Like. It bothers me to be naked around my partners because it’s so bad.  (This may sound silly to you, but that’s my point!)

So I’ll say the trick for me has been to take it on faith that when someone else says I’m attractive they’re telling the truth.  Faith is what you need when you simply can’t believe something yourself.  It’s not religious faith, I don’t mean that.  I just mean "I’m going to go along with your wrong-headed idea that I’m attractive to you because *goodness* it’s nice how you seem crazy about me.”

In fact, that’s a sort of awesome way to think about it.  From our point of view our lovers are *literally* crazy about us! 😂

But I promise that if you can find a way to just “go along with the joke” it’ll have a surprising effect on you too.  That feeling will never go away (unfortunately) but the longer you play along the less impact it’ll have on you.  

Anyway, that’s sort of two not-very-helpful, dad’splaining answers for one Ask: do you feel able to say yes or no to sex and have it stick; are you able to “go along with the joke” when everyone around you says you’re attractive even when your self-image doesn’t see it. 

Hope either one of those makes sense.  Best of luck!  And thanks again for checking in.