Pro tip from an older, experienced gentleman for low-information, zero-experience boys: There’s generally a pussy between a girl’s legs. And a butthole. And maybe a little butt-crack lint if you’ve been wearing flannel pajamas. And that’s about it. No butterflies. No secrets. Just a little anatomy.
Not to be a grumpy Daddy or anything but anyone who imagines your only “secrets” are between your legs they’ve got a pretty goddamn low opinion of you, don’t they?
Look. It’s ok to like assholes with shitty opinions. Or to be attracted to them. Or even to prefer them over everyone else. Lots of people do!
But you don’t have to listen to them, you don’t have to respect them, and you sure as hell don’t have to believe them.
By Thomas Oldenough | December 4, 2019 | Comments Off on So, I’ve never been in a real relationship and I’m 31. I usually am busy taking care of my family’s drama and trying to get my life back on track, but I don’t know how to date properly or do relationships. I have trust issues and don’t know how to go about trusting a guy, much less letting him know what I am into. Any advise?
Thanks so much for asking. I don’t know if you’ll appreciate my advice but it’s heartfelt. You’ve never been in a relationship. You’ve gotten wrapped up in family drama. You’re trying to get back on track now that you’re in your 30s, but you have trust issues too?
I’m pretty sure the best relationship-finding advice I can offer is to talk to a counselor. Not because you’re “crazy” – it’s another useless stereotype that counselors are only for “crazy” people, or that only “crazy” people go to counselors!
Instead I’m saying it because between trust issues and what you’ve said about dealing with family drama, a good counselor can help you separate yourself from your family drama enough to start having your own life. And help you enough with trust issues to start having a life with someone else. Besides your family, I mean.
The reason I’m recommending this is that with a little outside professional perspective, help, and support you may not feel like you have to choose between all of the above. You can still support your family without being drawn in, establish yourself in your own social and career life, and maybe even find someone you can trust. And maybe even find someone who’ll be into the same things you are!
I’m a kinky person and I’m guessing you may have some kinky feelings too. And so it may surprise you when I say that kink doesn’t bypass the rights and responsibilities of vanilla relationships. Kink extends those things, but a kink relationship is still a relationship. There’s no “instead of.” And as I’ve probably said in the past, when it comes to kinky relationships you’ve got to learn how to walk before you can crawl.
We all have a real tendency to say “I can figure this out on my own.” But as gently as possible I’m going to say that for most of us if that were true we’d have already done it!
The wonderful, awesome, best news in the world, though, is that you’ve taken the first big step: you’ve asked someone for help! Good for you. There are so many people who never do! They just continue thinking “I can figure it out myself” until they’re 93 and not 31!
The second most important step, though, is to understand that this isn’t a question that can be answered in an anonymous ask. Because all I or pretty much anyone can say is “talk to someone who’s trained to talk to people just like you.” Not “crazy” people like you. And me! I’ve never been crazy as far as I know but I’ve gotten a ton of benefit from talking to various counselors over the years… once I got over the notion that I could “figure it out myself!” You can too.
Best of luck, ok? I’m not going to say “thank you” for asking this important question. Instead I’m going to say “good for you!” You’ve done the hardest part.
Comments Off on So, I’ve never been in a real relationship and I’m 31. I usually am busy taking care of my family’s drama and trying to get my life back on track, but I don’t know how to date properly or do relationships. I have trust issues and don’t know how to go about trusting a guy, much less letting him know what I am into. Any advise?
By Thomas Oldenough | December 4, 2019 | Comments Off on hi! long time fan, haha. what’s the best way to comfort an insecure Daddy without being patronizing? I’d love to tell mine how much I adore every curve and stretch mark and freckle, ect. but I don’t know how to do it without worrying that I’m breaking “character” or my “role” so to speak if that makes sense?
This is a wonderful question! Thank you so much for asking. It’s important to remember that Daddies and other men-identifying people can be just as self-conscious about our looks as anybody else. And just as annoyingly difficult to convince otherwise!
As the old Red Green show tagline used to go, “If the women can’t find you handsome they should at least find you handy.” Which was just ridiculously tragic, because, in fact, quite a few women are over the moon about “dad bodies” and “teddybears.” (Also waifs, nerds, and other non-ruggedly-manly body types.) This is something that wayyy too many men don’t realize.
So what’s the best way to comfort a Daddy who’s insecure about his curves, stretch marks, and freckles? I honestly can’t say – I’ve had very little luck convincing anybody they’re attractive if they’re convinced they’re not.
It wasn’t till I started posting naked or nearly-naked selfies that I believed it. It’s one of those weird “who are you going to believe, everyone else or my own lying eyes” things where I look at myself and I still can’t believe it. I’m just outvoted. (I don’t necessarily recommend he start posting nearly-naked selfies, and you might not want him to either, but he’d probably be surprised how outvoted he was.)
But let’s talk about something else for a second. You said you didn’t know how to do it without breaking out of D/Lg character with him. First of all I’m gonna say there are a million ways to do it in character: just shower him with “handsome, gorgeous, sexy Daddy” or “big, strong teddybear Daddy” or maybe “can I kiss you everywhere you’re handsome, Daddy?”
But I’m also going to say it’s ok to say “Daddy, I’m going to have to put on my big-girl pants for a minute and have a heart-to-heart talk.” Because even in 24/7 relationships there are going to be times when you and he have to talk like adults in a relationship… which of course you both actually are! Kink relationships are still relationships! They don’t erase or invalidate vanilla-relationship responsibilities, they extend them. And that can include things like conversations about mental health, biological health, financial issues, work or school schedules, and reassurances about self-esteem.
Best of luck to you and to your very lucky Daddy. And thanks so much for asking about this!
Comments Off on hi! long time fan, haha. what’s the best way to comfort an insecure Daddy without being patronizing? I’d love to tell mine how much I adore every curve and stretch mark and freckle, ect. but I don’t know how to do it without worrying that I’m breaking “character” or my “role” so to speak if that makes sense?
Cute date idea: you win me a huge teddy then make me hump it while you watch once we get home
An older, experienced Daddy who understands that not everybody is ready for penetration finds other ways to help you show get off, doesn’t he, appleseed?
I like a big one every once and a while too. But I’ve had plenty of amazing sex with the average sized male. I mean honestly I’m more about girth. There’s only so much of that length you’re gonna be able to use when your gurl is 5 feet tall.
This makes me very happy! Guys get so frickin’ anxious about dick size and maybe nine out of ten women honestly don’t care!
It’s not that “all dicks are awesome” or, conversely, “all dicks are gross.” It’s that what seems to matter is that they’re dicks, not that they’re giant dicks.
Now I should be clear when I say “dick size doesn’t matter.” It does! To other men!!! Don’t know why other men’s dick sizes matter so much to men, especially straight men. But they do!
Another funny thing about dick size! In Bonk, Mary Roach’s book about the anthropology of sex, she interviewed a surgeon who performed penis enlargements. The funny thing, he said, is that most of his customers are already larger than average, and sometimes much larger. In other words being large doesn’t seem to relieve our anxiety about dick size.
it’s sort of the same way so many women seem to think men care only about breast size when really it seems more like women care about other women’s breast sizes. Men, meanwhile, don’t seem to care as much.
Also, yeah, yeah, there are “size queen” women and “heavy hanger” men or whatever. But no one should mistake fetishes for mainstream preferences. The stereotypes about body-part size preferences are just that – stereotypes. And you know how useless stereotypes are.
By Thomas Oldenough | December 2, 2019 | Comments Off on Why does BDSM have to involve pushing the s-type’s boundaries so often? Can it be valid D/s if nobody’s boundaries are being pushed? I’m not interested in pushing the boundaries of others but I’m definitely not vanilla/egalitarian. I limit my dominance/sadism to people who can ignore it at least, enthusiastically like it at most, whose boundaries aren’t anywhere near anything I’d do. Is this not a way to be a d-type?
BDSM doesn’t *have* to involve pushing boundaries, at least not in the sense that it seems like you are thinking. I think a lot of people misunderstand what people are saying when they talk about pushing them, and that’s really on those of us who write about kink because we don’t always explain ourselves well.
In my experience, there are two different types of boundaries- there are those that someone doesn’t want pushed, and those that they do. It’s basically similar to the concept of soft limits vs hard limits. A soft limit should be approached with care and only after discussion, whereas a hard limit should never be approached at all.
With boundaries, there are going to be times when someone genuinely wants those pushed, and that’s when it comes into play. Maybe they feel like they don’t tolerate pain well but are super interested in seeing how far they can take it, for example. Or maybe they are trying to overcome an aversion to toys. It could be any number of things depending on the person. Those cases are the ones wherein the d-type should be pushing boundaries, but of course just as with a soft-limit, there needs to be discussion beforehand and the situation needs to be approached with an abundance of care.
But again, that’s only when the s-type genuinely wants to test those boundaries. There is *nothing* that says we (as d-types) should be pushing every boundary. Frankly, if a partner tells me they arent comfortable with something and doesn’t express a desire to get comfortable with it, I treat it like a hard limit until they tell me otherwise. There is a big difference between “I’m not great with pain but it’s something I really want to work on” and “I don’t enjoy pain”, you know? And while it certainly merits discussion if someone’s boundaries/limits are your “must haves”, one of the cardinal sins a d-type can commit is to try and persuade someone into doing something they don’t want to do.
Also worth mentioning: d-types have limits and boundaries too, and if one of your boundaries is that you don’t want to push anyone else’s boundaries, that’s absolutely valid! You’re not doing it “wrong” because there isn’t one objectively “right” way to do this. I have plenty of limits and boundaries for myself and every other d-type I know does too.
The bottom line is you’re absolutely well within your rights to not want to push someone’s boundaries! Just make sure that whoever you play with understands that so that you can both be on the same page, because some people are genuinely looking to have at least some of their boundaries pushed.
Thank you for writing in! Best of luck on your path!
-LMS
So nicely said! It’s pretty important to recognize the difference between D/S or S&M kinks and, you know, psychopathology and dissociation. Or abuse and codependence.
Comments Off on Why does BDSM have to involve pushing the s-type’s boundaries so often? Can it be valid D/s if nobody’s boundaries are being pushed? I’m not interested in pushing the boundaries of others but I’m definitely not vanilla/egalitarian. I limit my dominance/sadism to people who can ignore it at least, enthusiastically like it at most, whose boundaries aren’t anywhere near anything I’d do. Is this not a way to be a d-type?
Not saying Captain Marvel is a Little, or that she’s gay, bi, or straight, or pan or ace, or that shed be dominant or submissive or plain old vanilla with a partner. Just saying this is an awesome reminder that every stereotype is a lie.
