You can’t be a Dom and be a Drunk



You can’t be a Dom and be a drunk.

A friend of mine sent me a text yesterday.  “You can’t be a Dom and be a drunk”  She said it in reference to the NY AG stepping down.

My response was “I’ve heard that.”  I don’t know if she got that it stung but it did.

I struggle with alcohol and have for a very long time, I’m on a path to recover now and I pursue my own aggressive brand of therapy mixing AA and Smart Recovery.

Always in the scene the Dom must be on and be emotionally and mentally fixed, prepared and certainly not impaired.  I practice that in all ways all the time during play sessions. I consider being with a partner in a D/s situation with the same gravity I take with any sort of action that could have serious consequences, whether it be riding a motorcycle, handling firearms or being in a  combat zone.

I guess my question is that as a broken person can I be a Dom? I think the answer is yes but at the same time I don’t know I guess I won’t find out until and unless I’m in a position to be with a submissive again.

On the NY AG issue, personally my belief is that he was an ill informed ass of an abuser who like many watched 50 Shades or BDSM porn and thought that shit was how it was done. 

Forgive me, friend, for tugging this up from the archives. I had it saved in my drafts because I wanted to respond to it but couldn’t quite figure out what I wanted to say.

I’m pretty sure I was the friend who said that. “You can’t be a Dom and a drunk.” And I’ve said similar things since then. The overarching thing for me is that, if you are not in control of yourself, you are not allowed to be in control of me. Period. Monsieur knows that if he goes out with friends and has too much to drink, that’s perfectly fine. But our D/s dynamic is effectively suspended until he is sober again, particularly when it comes to play. It’s a matter of safety and trust in the moment, not a judgment of his value as a Dominant.

It’s the same with you, dear friend. You are one of the good ones, and you have shown a great deal of responsibility and determination in making a lot of life changes in the time I’ve known you. Any submissive would be lucky to have you as her Dominant.

You can’t be a Dom or Daddy and a drunk. You can be a Dom or Daddy and be in recovery though. Self discipline matters in a Dom or Daddy. More important, maybe, is not being in denial.

@cherishedproperty makes the even more important point that you can’t be a Sub and a doormat or codependent. If your partner is impaired -whether by intoxication, anger, distraction, or fatigue – you gotta be up for whistling the play dead. Because your Dom can’t always.

A kink relationship is a relationship. Between equal, autonomous partners.

It’s not bad or wrong to get hammered. But it’s not ok to play with power tools while impaired. Or to operate power exchange.

You can be an awesome Dom in recovery. You can be a marvelous Sub and say this isn’t the right time.

Hats of to both @cherishedproperty and @twisted-from-lit.


top: you don’t get to cum
service top: you don’t get to stop cumming

Slight correction here

top: you don’t get to come till I let you
also top: you don’t get to stop coming till I let you

Nothing wrong with service.  But it’s pretty misunderstood.

Each of these things is technically “service.”

  • Walking your dog
  • Making dinner for your kids
  • Going along with the joke
  • Leading an expedition
  • Standing on stage and getting everyone to clap while you solo out on “We Will Rock You.”
  • Washing a car because you were asked to
  • Washing a car because you were told to
  • Washing your car because it’s your car and you want to make it glow
  • Changing a baby’s diaper
  • Rescuing a child from a burning building
  • Edging someone till they’re a gibbering mess
  • Making someone come and come till they’re a gibbering mess
  • Answering “sure, princess” when someone says please let me come
  • Answering “we’ll see, princess” when someone says please let me come

But not all service is subservient, is it?  No, not at all.  

Goodness, your panties are soaked!  C’mere, fluffbucket, so Daddy can get you out of these wet things…


This is a great guide!


At some point, I’m just wondering, how many people don’t understand what consent is and how hypnosis is supposed to work.

Like, if I post on my tumblr, “covertly try to hypnotize me” and then you come into my DMs with a link to a spiral, it’s consensual because I already said yes to it.

If I didn’t, and you hopped in my DMs with a spiral, it wouldn’t be consensual and that would be a form of abuse.

Things I’ve experienced:

– Random usage of dropped triggers

– Completely going off discussion and ignoring boundaries

– Literally watched someone go, “well communicating means my TRIGGER HEAVY induction won’t work, and I’m actually going to be pretty much like an abuser” without realizing proper consent is important

– Mislabeled or unlabelled files with forced slavery or feminization

– Fucking bullshit with trying to “make another personality” without permission

– Forced unconsenual masturbation

– Forced Nudes

– Tried to literally break my relationship up

– Random Messaging when I said I was at dinner in an attempt to trance me

Consent isn’t just important, it stops you from being a fucking predator. Like, what the fuck.

And because of it, and because Tists are dumb and assholes. Subs, here’s some tips.

First off: Look for a reputation. If the person’s been called creepy or pushy, chances are they’re not good. Sometimes just asking about the guy will get you like, DMs. Look out for posts detailing abusers and predators.

Second: Establish firm boundaries, make sure the person can remember them after conversing. It might seem weird, but, if someone can’t take the time to remember what you don’t want, then they shouldn’t be having that power over you. They should keep notes on it.

Three: Make sure you can keep the boundaries yourself. Sometimes it helps to record yourself a little audio thing, or write yourself a post. One of the major things in the community should be safety, and whilst it’s easier for a live person to take you deep, if you can give yourself some safety triggers, it’s better than nothing.

Four: Write important things down. Hypnotic Amnesia is popular, and until you’re sure you can trust the person, it’s best to be safe than sorry, write down what your name is, how old you are, and anything else that you’re worried on forgetting, including your boundaries.

Five: Set a session length, or a time you need to go, and then set an alarm for that time before you start. Make sure it’s something loud and you’d notice being intrusive. This is actually good for responsibilities too, because time can fly and you might need to go to dinner with your family or something. Also give yourself time to practice self care to avoid sub drop.

Six: Don’t be afraid to cut someone off if they creep you out or you feel uncomfortable. Even if it’s just the fact the person uses too many smileys. Your comfort matters, and you’re not going to vibe with everyone.

Seven: First sessions should be light, introductory, and you should know exactly what you’re getting into. If you’re confused, ask questions.

Eight: Get to know one another. It seems weird if it’ll only be one time, but, knowledge helps. If they’re willing to take the time to talk before a session, that’s good.

Nine: Friendships are good. Whether it be Subs or Tists, having friends in the community gives you places to go to when things go wrong. Don’t be afraid to message someone in the community to try and be friends.

Ten: Speak out. If you see someone getting taken advantage of, or experience it, tell people. It’s better to let the community know there’s a predator, and it helps for anyone in step one.

Eleven: Sub Drop. This isn’t actually about predators as much as it is about mental and physical self care. Intense emotions and activities can give you a really good euphoria. When you come down suddenly or you don’t let yourself slowly fade out while relaxing, being comforted, you can experience sub drop. Personally, I’ve never had it, but I’ve been around folks who have. Set things up beforehand so you can have aftercare. Even if it means making yourself some nice coffee and wearing your favourite robe. Give yourself some time to recover from the impact of the session.

Twelve: What works for you, works for you. Don’t be pushed into things you don’t like/don’t find work. Advice is free, your experiences and ideas matter. If you can’t do X, you can’t and that’s fine. Personally, I find Step 9 difficult because of my neurodivergence and my anxiety. Friends are hard to make. But I’m very good with one and three.

Thirteen: Stay safe, have fun. Make sure to drink lots of fluids n take care of yourself. This should be enjoyable for you, regardless of kink, or recreational. It should be fun, and good.

I know there are better guides out there, but I hope this helps! I wish you all the best.

I don’t actually know much about hypno kink, though when I was a little kid hypnosis sounded awesome! This discussion of hypnosis boundaries and limits seems like a very good introduction.

You can learn a lot about a kink from an expert’s caveats.

As a top I’m now very intrigued.

Because an older, experienced Daddy is always going to be supportive, isn’t he, monkeybutt?


Cute date idea: you win me a huge teddy then make me hump it while you watch once we get home

An older, experienced Daddy who understands that not everybody is ready for penetration finds other ways to help you  show  get off, doesn’t he, appleseed?

Just a reminder that not wanting a dick pics isn’t the same as not wanting a dick.  

Paradox: Guys who don’t send dick pics get asked for dick.  Guys who do send them don’t get dick!

I’d say “it’s a great mystery” except… well… it’s not a mystery at all, is it?  🤷‍♂️


Happy Tuesday almost done with work day!🤗

Another great reminder about D/Lg stereotypes!

  • Not all Littles are women
  • Not all Littles are sexual Littles
  • Not all Caregivers are Doms

Oh, and also

  • Carefully clarify your terms when negotiating with regressing Littles
  • Not a hard limit ≠ enthusiastic consent
  • Sometimes we have to indulge our Littles anyway because even when they’re annoying they’re usually still adorable

How do you feel about the idea that a person’s value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on that person? Do you think it is possible that they are so busy you wouldn’t hear from them for days at a time but it has nothing to do with how they feel about you?

Sorry I couldn’t answer this earlier.  This is a very important question!

The short answer is no, no matter how busy, depressed, or under the weather, a partner should always find a way to check in.  

That said… I’m actually really fucking terrible at this!  I think a lot of hard-core introverts are.  You’d think that since I’m physically very affectionate – not just sexually, hugs, and kisses but also cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, shoulder leaning, nose booping, etc. – that I’d also be super communicative.

One that last one hits ao many of my shy, “don’t want to bother you,” “can’t talk right now” introvert reflexes, the others really don’t!

This is not an excuse.  But it’s a good reminder that, as roughly blocked out by the “Five Love Languages” theory, that different people can have very different but equally heartfelt ways of expressing love, care, and concern for each other.  And, more importantly, different people can have very different ways of receiving expressions of love, care, and concern.

The canonical “love languages” are listed as Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.  In my opinion that’s a good first approximation but practice it’s not inclusive and there are overlaps so it’s a mix and match system, not an exact one.  And the really important part isn’t that someone has one language or another but that you and they may not have the same language.

To answer your actual question, if their “love language” is Quality Time then yes, absolutely, your value to them is directly proportional to the time they spend with you and the effort they take to spend that time with you.  But if that’s not how they express then you can both be head-over-heels, heart-achingly important to each other and… still both of you feeling there’s something wrong.

For instance if, instead, their “love language” is something like gifts or doing things for you, you might be sitting there fuming like a chimney because they were busy wasting days in their workshop or kitchen lovingly crafting something (acts of service) for you (gifts) when they could have been there (quality time) with you (physical touch.)  And then they’re sitting there hurt that you hug them (physical touch) when you see them but never say (words of affirmation) how much you appreciated the watch or necklace they saved and saved to get you (gifts.) 

That all might seem like a long way of excusing awful tendency to leave people on read… but more than once I’ve literally (not figuratively, literally!) traveled all day just to give someone a hug (physical touch) or sit with them all night when they’re ill (quality time, acts of service.)

Your mileage, and theirs, in other words, may vary considerably.  Don’t ever be a doormat but do spend a little time trying to figure out if they’re trying to say “I love you” some other way.

It’s an important question, thank you for asking.  And best of luck!