You can’t be a Dom and be a Drunk



You can’t be a Dom and be a drunk.

A friend of mine sent me a text yesterday.  “You can’t be a Dom and be a drunk”  She said it in reference to the NY AG stepping down.

My response was “I’ve heard that.”  I don’t know if she got that it stung but it did.

I struggle with alcohol and have for a very long time, I’m on a path to recover now and I pursue my own aggressive brand of therapy mixing AA and Smart Recovery.

Always in the scene the Dom must be on and be emotionally and mentally fixed, prepared and certainly not impaired.  I practice that in all ways all the time during play sessions. I consider being with a partner in a D/s situation with the same gravity I take with any sort of action that could have serious consequences, whether it be riding a motorcycle, handling firearms or being in a  combat zone.

I guess my question is that as a broken person can I be a Dom? I think the answer is yes but at the same time I don’t know I guess I won’t find out until and unless I’m in a position to be with a submissive again.

On the NY AG issue, personally my belief is that he was an ill informed ass of an abuser who like many watched 50 Shades or BDSM porn and thought that shit was how it was done. 

Forgive me, friend, for tugging this up from the archives. I had it saved in my drafts because I wanted to respond to it but couldn’t quite figure out what I wanted to say.

I’m pretty sure I was the friend who said that. “You can’t be a Dom and a drunk.” And I’ve said similar things since then. The overarching thing for me is that, if you are not in control of yourself, you are not allowed to be in control of me. Period. Monsieur knows that if he goes out with friends and has too much to drink, that’s perfectly fine. But our D/s dynamic is effectively suspended until he is sober again, particularly when it comes to play. It’s a matter of safety and trust in the moment, not a judgment of his value as a Dominant.

It’s the same with you, dear friend. You are one of the good ones, and you have shown a great deal of responsibility and determination in making a lot of life changes in the time I’ve known you. Any submissive would be lucky to have you as her Dominant.

You can’t be a Dom or Daddy and a drunk. You can be a Dom or Daddy and be in recovery though. Self discipline matters in a Dom or Daddy. More important, maybe, is not being in denial.

@cherishedproperty makes the even more important point that you can’t be a Sub and a doormat or codependent. If your partner is impaired -whether by intoxication, anger, distraction, or fatigue – you gotta be up for whistling the play dead. Because your Dom can’t always.

A kink relationship is a relationship. Between equal, autonomous partners.

It’s not bad or wrong to get hammered. But it’s not ok to play with power tools while impaired. Or to operate power exchange.

You can be an awesome Dom in recovery. You can be a marvelous Sub and say this isn’t the right time.

Hats of to both @cherishedproperty and @twisted-from-lit.

You don’t have to love polka dots, stickers, and claiming Skittles candy is a food group to be a D/Lg Little, do you, thimble?  Sometimes it’s just about those irresistible urges to hump like a little animal in front of an older, experienced Daddy.


Because there are all kinds of ways to do pet play, aren’t there, shrimpsauce?  Sometimes it’s about cute kittens or grovelly little puppies.  But sometimes it’s about Daddy needing to tame his hungry, hungry lion too, isn’t it?

Because an older, experienced Daddy is always going to be supportive, isn’t he, monkeybutt?


Cute date idea: you win me a huge teddy then make me hump it while you watch once we get home

An older, experienced Daddy who understands that not everybody is ready for penetration finds other ways to help you  show  get off, doesn’t he, appleseed?


Yeah, Tinder hookups and 6:00 AM “walks of shame” are all well and good (well, except for the shame part!)  But till you’ve spent the morning making and drinking coffee together while getting to know each other a little better?  That’s paradise!

Doesn’t matter if it’s a random hookup, a casual fling, and old flame, or your life companion of many years, there’s always something new to learn about each other over coffee.

As for that “walk of shame?”  Seriously.  What’s to be ashamed of?  You got drunk and rubbed your pee-pees together?   Big deal!  That makes you different from roughly 4/5th of the rest of humanity exactly how?

But sharing coffee together this morning?  Or just tea or orange juice, or just cuddles this morning?  That right there is paradise.