You don’t have to love polka dots, stickers, and claiming Skittles candy is a food group to be a D/Lg Little, do you, thimble? Sometimes it’s just about those irresistible urges to hump like a little animal in front of an older, experienced Daddy.
At some point, I’m just wondering, how many people don’t understand what consent is and how hypnosis is supposed to work.
Like, if I post on my tumblr, “covertly try to hypnotize me” and then you come into my DMs with a link to a spiral, it’s consensual because I already said yes to it.
If I didn’t, and you hopped in my DMs with a spiral, it wouldn’t be consensual and that would be a form of abuse.
Things I’ve experienced:
– Random usage of dropped triggers
– Completely going off discussion and ignoring boundaries
– Literally watched someone go, “well communicating means my TRIGGER HEAVY induction won’t work, and I’m actually going to be pretty much like an abuser” without realizing proper consent is important
– Mislabeled or unlabelled files with forced slavery or feminization
– Fucking bullshit with trying to “make another personality” without permission
– Forced unconsenual masturbation
– Forced Nudes
– Tried to literally break my relationship up
– Random Messaging when I said I was at dinner in an attempt to trance me
Consent isn’t just important, it stops you from being a fucking predator. Like, what the fuck.
And because of it, and because Tists are dumb and assholes. Subs, here’s some tips.
First off: Look for a reputation. If the person’s been called creepy or pushy, chances are they’re not good. Sometimes just asking about the guy will get you like, DMs. Look out for posts detailing abusers and predators.
Second: Establish firm boundaries, make sure the person can remember them after conversing. It might seem weird, but, if someone can’t take the time to remember what you don’t want, then they shouldn’t be having that power over you. They should keep notes on it.
Three: Make sure you can keep the boundaries yourself. Sometimes it helps to record yourself a little audio thing, or write yourself a post. One of the major things in the community should be safety, and whilst it’s easier for a live person to take you deep, if you can give yourself some safety triggers, it’s better than nothing.
Four: Write important things down. Hypnotic Amnesia is popular, and until you’re sure you can trust the person, it’s best to be safe than sorry, write down what your name is, how old you are, and anything else that you’re worried on forgetting, including your boundaries.
Five: Set a session length, or a time you need to go, and then set an alarm for that time before you start. Make sure it’s something loud and you’d notice being intrusive. This is actually good for responsibilities too, because time can fly and you might need to go to dinner with your family or something. Also give yourself time to practice self care to avoid sub drop.
Six: Don’t be afraid to cut someone off if they creep you out or you feel uncomfortable. Even if it’s just the fact the person uses too many smileys. Your comfort matters, and you’re not going to vibe with everyone.
Seven: First sessions should be light, introductory, and you should know exactly what you’re getting into. If you’re confused, ask questions.
Eight: Get to know one another. It seems weird if it’ll only be one time, but, knowledge helps. If they’re willing to take the time to talk before a session, that’s good.
Nine: Friendships are good. Whether it be Subs or Tists, having friends in the community gives you places to go to when things go wrong. Don’t be afraid to message someone in the community to try and be friends.
Ten: Speak out. If you see someone getting taken advantage of, or experience it, tell people. It’s better to let the community know there’s a predator, and it helps for anyone in step one.
Eleven: Sub Drop. This isn’t actually about predators as much as it is about mental and physical self care. Intense emotions and activities can give you a really good euphoria. When you come down suddenly or you don’t let yourself slowly fade out while relaxing, being comforted, you can experience sub drop. Personally, I’ve never had it, but I’ve been around folks who have. Set things up beforehand so you can have aftercare. Even if it means making yourself some nice coffee and wearing your favourite robe. Give yourself some time to recover from the impact of the session.
Twelve: What works for you, works for you. Don’t be pushed into things you don’t like/don’t find work. Advice is free, your experiences and ideas matter. If you can’t do X, you can’t and that’s fine. Personally, I find Step 9 difficult because of my neurodivergence and my anxiety. Friends are hard to make. But I’m very good with one and three.
Thirteen: Stay safe, have fun. Make sure to drink lots of fluids n take care of yourself. This should be enjoyable for you, regardless of kink, or recreational. It should be fun, and good.
I know there are better guides out there, but I hope this helps! I wish you all the best.
I don’t actually know much about hypno kink, though when I was a little kid hypnosis sounded awesome! This discussion of hypnosis boundaries and limits seems like a very good introduction.
You can learn a lot about a kink from an expert’s caveats.
By Thomas Oldenough | December 2, 2019 | Comments Off on Why does BDSM have to involve pushing the s-type’s boundaries so often? Can it be valid D/s if nobody’s boundaries are being pushed? I’m not interested in pushing the boundaries of others but I’m definitely not vanilla/egalitarian. I limit my dominance/sadism to people who can ignore it at least, enthusiastically like it at most, whose boundaries aren’t anywhere near anything I’d do. Is this not a way to be a d-type?
BDSM doesn’t *have* to involve pushing boundaries, at least not in the sense that it seems like you are thinking. I think a lot of people misunderstand what people are saying when they talk about pushing them, and that’s really on those of us who write about kink because we don’t always explain ourselves well.
In my experience, there are two different types of boundaries- there are those that someone doesn’t want pushed, and those that they do. It’s basically similar to the concept of soft limits vs hard limits. A soft limit should be approached with care and only after discussion, whereas a hard limit should never be approached at all.
With boundaries, there are going to be times when someone genuinely wants those pushed, and that’s when it comes into play. Maybe they feel like they don’t tolerate pain well but are super interested in seeing how far they can take it, for example. Or maybe they are trying to overcome an aversion to toys. It could be any number of things depending on the person. Those cases are the ones wherein the d-type should be pushing boundaries, but of course just as with a soft-limit, there needs to be discussion beforehand and the situation needs to be approached with an abundance of care.
But again, that’s only when the s-type genuinely wants to test those boundaries. There is *nothing* that says we (as d-types) should be pushing every boundary. Frankly, if a partner tells me they arent comfortable with something and doesn’t express a desire to get comfortable with it, I treat it like a hard limit until they tell me otherwise. There is a big difference between “I’m not great with pain but it’s something I really want to work on” and “I don’t enjoy pain”, you know? And while it certainly merits discussion if someone’s boundaries/limits are your “must haves”, one of the cardinal sins a d-type can commit is to try and persuade someone into doing something they don’t want to do.
Also worth mentioning: d-types have limits and boundaries too, and if one of your boundaries is that you don’t want to push anyone else’s boundaries, that’s absolutely valid! You’re not doing it “wrong” because there isn’t one objectively “right” way to do this. I have plenty of limits and boundaries for myself and every other d-type I know does too.
The bottom line is you’re absolutely well within your rights to not want to push someone’s boundaries! Just make sure that whoever you play with understands that so that you can both be on the same page, because some people are genuinely looking to have at least some of their boundaries pushed.
Thank you for writing in! Best of luck on your path!
-LMS
So nicely said! It’s pretty important to recognize the difference between D/S or S&M kinks and, you know, psychopathology and dissociation. Or abuse and codependence.
Comments Off on Why does BDSM have to involve pushing the s-type’s boundaries so often? Can it be valid D/s if nobody’s boundaries are being pushed? I’m not interested in pushing the boundaries of others but I’m definitely not vanilla/egalitarian. I limit my dominance/sadism to people who can ignore it at least, enthusiastically like it at most, whose boundaries aren’t anywhere near anything I’d do. Is this not a way to be a d-type?
By Thomas Oldenough | December 1, 2019 | Comments Off on How do you feel about the idea that a person’s value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on that person? Do you think it is possible that they are so busy you wouldn’t hear from them for days at a time but it has nothing to do with how they feel about you?
Sorry I couldn’t answer this earlier. This is a very important question!
The short answer is no, no matter how busy, depressed, or under the weather, a partner should always find a way to check in.
That said… I’m actually really fucking terrible at this! I think a lot of hard-core introverts are. You’d think that since I’m physically very affectionate – not just sexually, hugs, and kisses but also cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, shoulder leaning, nose booping, etc. – that I’d also be super communicative.
One that last one hits ao many of my shy, “don’t want to bother you,” “can’t talk right now” introvert reflexes, the others really don’t!
This is not an excuse. But it’s a good reminder that, as roughly blocked out by the “Five Love Languages” theory, that different people can have very different but equally heartfelt ways of expressing love, care, and concern for each other. And, more importantly, different people can have very different ways of receiving expressions of love, care, and concern.
The canonical “love languages” are listed as Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. In my opinion that’s a good first approximation but practice it’s not inclusive and there are overlaps so it’s a mix and match system, not an exact one. And the really important part isn’t that someone has one language or another but that you and they may not have the same language.
To answer your actual question, if their “love language” is Quality Time then yes, absolutely, your value to them is directly proportional to the time they spend with you and the effort they take to spend that time with you. But if that’s not how they express then you can both be head-over-heels, heart-achingly important to each other and… still both of you feeling there’s something wrong.
For instance if, instead, their “love language” is something like gifts or doing things for you, you might be sitting there fuming like a chimney because they were busy wasting days in their workshop or kitchen lovingly crafting something (acts of service) for you (gifts) when they could have been there (quality time) with you (physical touch.) And then they’re sitting there hurt that you hug them (physical touch) when you see them but never say (words of affirmation) how much you appreciated the watch or necklace they saved and saved to get you (gifts.)
That all might seem like a long way of excusing awful tendency to leave people on read… but more than once I’ve literally (not figuratively, literally!) traveled all day just to give someone a hug (physical touch) or sit with them all night when they’re ill (quality time, acts of service.)
Your mileage, and theirs, in other words, may vary considerably. Don’t ever be a doormat but do spend a little time trying to figure out if they’re trying to say “I love you” some other way.
It’s an important question, thank you for asking. And best of luck!
Comments Off on How do you feel about the idea that a person’s value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on that person? Do you think it is possible that they are so busy you wouldn’t hear from them for days at a time but it has nothing to do with how they feel about you?
By Thomas Oldenough | November 25, 2019 | Comments Off on hiiii sorry this will probably be a dumb question but i’m super shy (like will pass out in front of a crowd shy) but i’m also really needy and my husband loves it but i feel like they don’t go together? sorry english isn’t my first language
Hi! It’s not a dumb question. Forgive my English (as a first language) for not understanding part of it though. Feel free to send me a private/direct message if you’d like to clarify.
Since you’re shy and might be self-conscious about messaging me directly I’m going to try to repeat your question though, and then answer it as best I can. Would that be ok?
It sounds like you’re saying you’re really needy, and that your husband loves it, but you’re also so shy you could pass out in front of a crowd. Ordinarily those two things might seem fine but you’re concerned they don’t go together.
1) This is only a guess, remember, but could you be saying that even though you’re really shy your husband likes to tease you till you beg him to do things for you? Perhaps in a way that goes against your sense of being a “good girl?” If so then that’s a pretty common thing for dominant and sadistic partners to do. What’s important is whether you like it too.
If you do like it or don’t mind it then great – good girls, and shy girls, can be *very* needy when they’re aroused without it saying anything about what kind of person they are when they’re not aroused. We’re often very different people when we are and aren’t aroused and there’s nothing wrong with that.
If you don’t like it then it’s ok to tell your husband that while you love him and want to have sex with him you don’t consent to him teasing you that way. (Do you think you could do that?)
2) Another guess could be that even though you’re really shy could it be that when you’re aroused you get really vocal and take actions that seem unlike your regular not-aroused self?
If that’s true, and if your husband enjoys that you’re that way too, then as I said above there’s nothing wrong with that at ail. Once again, who we are when we’re aroused can be very different from who we are in day-to-day life. You’re just as good a person, a wife, a family member, a member of society no matter how “naughty” you are during sex.
I still feel like I may have misinterpreted you. And depending on your English skills I hope my sentences haven’t been too complicated. So I’ll repeat my invitation to message me to clarify.
Finally, since you’re shy I want you to know that I believe private messages are private – I won’t ever willingly share something anyone says in a private message. So I won’t tease you, reveal you, or reveal anything you say without your permission. If you’re still not comfortable it’s ok to leave another Ask like this one, even though it’ll be harder to have a back-and-forth conversation.
Again, not a dumb question at all. And unless I’m really mistaken you’re talking about a feeling that lots of people have. And worry about even though they don’t need to.
Comments Off on hiiii sorry this will probably be a dumb question but i’m super shy (like will pass out in front of a crowd shy) but i’m also really needy and my husband loves it but i feel like they don’t go together? sorry english isn’t my first language
This! It’s got to make you happy. Turn you on. Satisfy your curiosity. Pleases or maybe just amuses you if it turns anyone else on to see them.
Nor, just because you take them do you need to send them! If you take them for yourself you may never need to show them to anyone else!
This isn’t true for everyone. No one else gets to decide whether or not it’s fun for you.
I will say one thing based on first, second, and third-hand experience though: you have no idea what you truly look like till you see yourself through another’s eyes.
Again you don’t have to show someone else. It can be enough look at yourself as if through another’s eyes.
By Thomas Oldenough | November 24, 2019 | Comments Off on Don’t forget that Submission is its own kink, feel sorry for Doms who do…
So if you don’t think Submission is its own, independent, autonomous, and equal kink and is instead all about your masterly/mistressly domly self then try the following thought experiment: how long would they stay with you if you stopped topping them?
If they’re only Submissive because you’re Dominant the correct answer will be “forever, of course, because I’m so awesome they’re magically magnetized to me!” If they’re Submissive because Submission is its own craving though… its own kink…
Well…
The correct answer might be something else, hmm?
This is just one of the reasons why I capitalize the S in Submissive as well as the D in Dom.
Something so awesome about saying “you should be ashamed of yourself!” Because there are sooo many possible ways to say or interpret it, aren’t there, little minx?
By Thomas Oldenough | November 11, 2019 | Comments Off on Hi, I’ve just started talking to a guy. He is vastly more vanilla than I am, but I’ve been talking to him about trying more kinky things. More basic like light spanking, letting him be a little more in control, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary yet. I was wondering how to not scare him with kinker ideas and, hopefully, application of them. Thank you
Good question! Sounds like you’re into things that might be kinkier than he’s comfortable with? And you’d like to do more with him… or more accurately you’d like him to do more with you, without coming on “too strong?” Just want to make sure. Please let me know if I’ve missed an important point, ok?
I can’t speak for all guys but if it was me (hey, it has been me in the past!) then two things would work really well.
First, “slow and steady wins the race.” Let him try those nothing-out-of-the-ordinary things with you first. And see how he likes it. Vanilla people, men especially, can take a little time to digest what a lot of us already know. What you’re a living example of: Submission is its own kink, and that what you want him to do is almost by-definition is rough but not violent, domineering but not abusive.
And don’t get me wrong – we want people to be reluctant about violence and abuse! And it’s actually a good thing to have a responsible Sub (you are going to be responsible) to help them learn how to distinguish them. (I say you’re going to be responsible because the last thing we want is him doing those things before he understands the difference.)
Second: Let him know that the idea of him doing those things with, to, and for you makes you wet and happy. Most men enjoy that idea rather a lot. Even more for someone they actually care about.
If you’re still really in the “just started talking” part of a relationship and not “bring your toothbrush in your bag” stage, it’s an even better time to talk to him about it. Being a Sub, even a hungry, horny one, doesn’t mean you’re necessarily hop in the sack with him right away. So it’s ok to talk about not just boundaries and limits but wants and desires before you get around to doing them. Just be clear those are ideals you have in mind, not that it’s either an invitation or a laundry list for him.
Oh, one last thing: let him know about the difference between “topping from the bottom” and mentoring him. Be clear that your intention really is to Submit to him – and that at each point it will be his decision what he chooses to do based on your feedback.
That said (since this is advice for everybody and not just you) it’s still his choice! He might not want to be a Dom. He might not want to be much of a Dom. Or not one all the time. You have to be ok with that too – boundaries, limits, and consent go both ways.
Let me know what you think. Feel free to show him this post too. I want both of you to succeed and be happy with who you both are and not who either things they or the other is “supposed” to be.
Comments Off on Hi, I’ve just started talking to a guy. He is vastly more vanilla than I am, but I’ve been talking to him about trying more kinky things. More basic like light spanking, letting him be a little more in control, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary yet. I was wondering how to not scare him with kinker ideas and, hopefully, application of them. Thank you
