It’s little things like when I take my belt off while just changing pants and I turn around and there you are all bent over.
When folks get that Masochism and Submission are their own, independent kinks it’s a lot harder to mistake D/S or S&M for abuse.
Because it’s not always about consent, is it? No, consent is just the bare minimum requirement. An older, experienced gentleman waits till he knows you’re hungry for it. Because only a total toolbag would do it if you weren’t.
Any social analysis of primly, safely “slutty” costumes one night a year is going to be damning isn’t it?
One of my favorite kinky friends dresses in full 17th Century Agnes Nutter witches outfits in Halloween in part because for the rest of the year she feels perfectly content being sexy whenever she fucking feels like it.
And no, not every other day of the year. Whenever she feels like it. Feeling sexy isn’t either or, is it?
Technically nobody deserves a blowjob. It’s literally not a job! Instead it’s a gift. In both senses, meaning not just something given but something one has more or less of an aptitude and affinity for.
But!
Just because they’re neither earned nor purchased nor an entitlement, who wants to either give a gift or apply ones gifts to a… selfish toolbag?
Go down on your sweetly because you like them and want them to feel good. Do it because it makes you happy.
Meanwhile as a hungry Daddy I’m sort of the opposite. Getting blowjobs makes me happy because I know I’ll get to go down on you next.
Notice how carefully and almost gently he’s spanking her? Also notice how he’s already warmed her up? Surprised? Please don’t be. That’s the way you do it!
Folks who don’t understand kink imagine spanking is always aggressive, punitive, and hard as possible – you know, the way angry parents, teachers, and frat boys do it.
But really, while yes you’ll find capital-M Masochists who genuinely thrive on serious pain, for almost everyone else the key isn’t how hard you’re spanked but how well.
I mean, look. It’s like pretty much everything else in sex, right? Yes, you can just jam an object inside someone without warming them up, or start jacking a guy with no warmup, or stick your tongue down someone’s throat on the first kiss. And yes, you can find people who like that too!
But most people don’t. And therefore, kinksters being people and all, most kinksters don’t care much for it either.
I’m always saying “don’t do it the way they do it in porn.” Let me just add “don’t do it the way angry parents, teachers, and frat boys do it either.”
See the way he’s using his belt to control rather than strangle his partner? Surprised? Please don’t be! This is an excellent way to play D/S games with a belt.
Between cop shows and hard-core porn we’re sort of conditioned to believe “belt around the neck” equals “attempted strangulation.”
Don’t get me wrong here. If you know what you’re doing erotic choking can be awesome for the person being choked. But the top really does need to know what they’re doing and, more important, the top needs to be seriously in control of themselves.
But!
As with many other elements of sex, and kink, even BDSM kink, a huge amount of the benefit comes from a sense of gained or surrendered control.
I’m not going to say “don’t use a belt to choke your sweetie,” though I will say “be really fucking careful if you use a belt to choke your sweetie.” Instead I’m going to say “try control first.”
Ok, ok, I’ll also say “be sure to protect your/their neck” as well, because you only want people to feel the good kind of sore the next day.
This is about ethics and humiliation play, with a quick dad’splain about ethical exhibitionism.
Ok. So. If you’ve got an exhibitionist kink it’s still unethical to involve others without their consent. So while it’s super hot to think about, and really hot to be in semi-public situations where you could almost get caught, it’s a total dick move to expose either yourself or a partner where unsuspecting people might see you.
This is actually well understood in the kink community. And exhibitionism is its own kink.
Now let’s consider humilation play.
Not everyone’s into humiliation, anymore than everyone’s into exhibitionism (or any other kink!) But! For some people humilation play is hot as blazes!
I have to admit I didn’t really get it till a submissive friend explained it. And then melted into a yummy little horny mess when I tried it. (It wasn’t a hard limit for me but till I got the hang of it I probably needed more aftercare than she did!)
Anyway. Just as the risk (and possible shame, incidentally) of being seen is usually hot enough, the idea of humiliation and shame is usually hot enough too.
But as with exhibitionism, never involve third parties in your erotic humiliation play without their consent either.
By Thomas Oldenough | October 20, 2019 | Comments Off on I need your opinion on this. So i’m 20 and still a virgin BUT a have a very very dirty mind. I’ve started talking to this guy but i’m nervous about telling him that i’m a virgin….i’m scared that i’m gonna get rejected…help
I’ll say this only once.. anyone who judges you because you’ve not had sex does not deserve to even have you in that potential position in the first place.
And not to be even more prickly but anyone who says “now that you’ve had sex once everything is fine” also needs a reset. Because that’s also judgment.
Just like experiencing sex doesn’t change you, experiencing sex once doesn’t change you either.
We’d all be better off if we erased “virgin” and “virginity” from our vocabularies. “Virginity” in both tradition and law is related to a woman’s property value to her current (father) and prospective (husband) custodial males. Just decline to participate in that. Women need to stop using the word. Men really gotta stop using the word!
You know why you want to be sweet and supportive to someone when it’s their first time? It’s not because it’s some kind of privilege or some kind of burden, and it’s definitely not because it’s somehow snapping anybody’s “seal of freshness!” Instead it’s because they’re a beginner! It’s because if someone you like wants to do a thing, and you enjoy doing the thing too, you want them to enjoy it enough to want to do it again.
Same with the second time too!
And never mind that intercourse is only one tiny part of sex! That’s a whole nother conversation altogether.
Comments Off on I need your opinion on this. So i’m 20 and still a virgin BUT a have a very very dirty mind. I’ve started talking to this guy but i’m nervous about telling him that i’m a virgin….i’m scared that i’m gonna get rejected…help
By Thomas Oldenough | October 9, 2019 | Comments Off on Hey Cliff, I was wondering if you knew if using toothpaste internally is potentially harmful (anus or vagina). I’m seeing mixed reports online and I’m not about to ask my doctor about it in person, lol. If it is, would using it around these orifices be potentially dangerous?
You know, the real answer to this kind of thing is that nobody does research on this. It’s as unknown to science as the unmapped depths of the ocean. I can sort of guess and extrapolate from stuff like “well, it doesn’t damage your mouth” and “I couldn’t find any case reports of someone seriously injured by vaginal/anal toothpaste,” but guessing is all it is.
And if you ask a doctor–or a nurse more sensible than me, frankly–they’re going to tell you not to do it. The downside if you do it and get hurt and blame us is major, and the upside if you enjoy it is… not something healthcare can really set a value on.
So I don’t really know what to tell you. It’ll definitely hurt, but I’m assuming that’s a feature not a bug for you. Anecdotally I know of people who put toothpaste on their clitorises and nothing bad happened, but that’s just anecdotes and it’s not the same as internal tissue.
So…??? It’s honestly not a question I can answer.
DO NOT. PUT TOOTHPASTE. IN AN ORIFICE. OTHER THAN YOUR MOUTH.
It contains detergent, surfactants, grit, and foaming agents.
It WILL cause microabrasions to your mucous membranes and it WILL leave your orifices prone to infection.
Okay, I think you should listen to this person.
I’m always biased in favor of sexual weirdness and against excessive caution, but she has industry sources for this. So yeah. Don’t put toothpaste up in yourself. Sorry.
People put all sorts of very bad-for-you things in their various body parts. Most of them don’t do it twice.
Most of us have had some kind of experience with the more “active” ingredients in toothpaste, menthol shaving cream, or perfumes on sensitive membranes and discovered that they burn or sting way out of proportion to how they feel in our mouths. Peppermint, spearmint, cinnamon, or eucalyptus (menthol) oils in toothpaste as well as some of the lighter esters, aldehydes, and alcohols in perfumes and shaving cremes out suspiciously mild on genital tissue (including penises, scrotums, outer labia, and clitoris hoods) but continue to get more intense. And more intense. And ow-really-fucking-burns intense.
People who are into “figging” with fresh ginger and/or chiles do this for fun. The difference being that both ginger and capsaicin oils in chiles cause nerve endings to “light up” but don’t cause active tissue damage.
You want to put something “hot” on your naughty bits my advice would be
a) don’t b) use chiles or ginger
And AS ALWAY if you’re a top, or even just think you are, try a small amount on yourself first! It’s not just a matter of “sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander” (though it is that.) It’s that as a good, competent top you’ll appreciate what you do to your bottom a hell of a lot more if you understand what you’re subjecting them to. (And if you’re thinking hell no way I’d do that to myself then… don’t know what to tell ya, champ, for thinking it’s ok to do it to someone else.)
Comments Off on Hey Cliff, I was wondering if you knew if using toothpaste internally is potentially harmful (anus or vagina). I’m seeing mixed reports online and I’m not about to ask my doctor about it in person, lol. If it is, would using it around these orifices be potentially dangerous?
