This, actually. I’m a very earnest kinky Daddy. I’ll cheerfully fuck your freshly spanked ass without loosening my grip on the belt around your throat, and then solemnly stay up all night helping you prep for a big presentation in the morning, make you breakfast, and mean it when I say, from the bottom of my heart, “go get em, tiger.”
One of the nicest things about D/Lg is that it’s 100% natural and normal for a Little to take the initiative to cheer up or comfort their Daddy, in a way that might not seem appropriate in a more pure DD/Lg or D/S relationship.
Just like it’s 100% natural for a Daddy to try and cheer up a mopey Little!
I’d just like to add that this is one of those places where it’s totally fucking wonderful that in age-play relationships everyone’s an actual adult. Because adults are developmentally able to understand that it’s not their fault when a grownup is upset, angry, or sad.
Actual children have a very hard time with this… which is just one of the 118,000 reasons why adults and minors having romantic relationships, let alone sexual ones, is a bad idea and not just illegal, unethical, stupid, and wrong.
By Thomas Oldenough | November 11, 2019 | Comments Off on Hi, I’ve just started talking to a guy. He is vastly more vanilla than I am, but I’ve been talking to him about trying more kinky things. More basic like light spanking, letting him be a little more in control, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary yet. I was wondering how to not scare him with kinker ideas and, hopefully, application of them. Thank you
Good question! Sounds like you’re into things that might be kinkier than he’s comfortable with? And you’d like to do more with him… or more accurately you’d like him to do more with you, without coming on “too strong?” Just want to make sure. Please let me know if I’ve missed an important point, ok?
I can’t speak for all guys but if it was me (hey, it has been me in the past!) then two things would work really well.
First, “slow and steady wins the race.” Let him try those nothing-out-of-the-ordinary things with you first. And see how he likes it. Vanilla people, men especially, can take a little time to digest what a lot of us already know. What you’re a living example of: Submission is its own kink, and that what you want him to do is almost by-definition is rough but not violent, domineering but not abusive.
And don’t get me wrong – we want people to be reluctant about violence and abuse! And it’s actually a good thing to have a responsible Sub (you are going to be responsible) to help them learn how to distinguish them. (I say you’re going to be responsible because the last thing we want is him doing those things before he understands the difference.)
Second: Let him know that the idea of him doing those things with, to, and for you makes you wet and happy. Most men enjoy that idea rather a lot. Even more for someone they actually care about.
If you’re still really in the “just started talking” part of a relationship and not “bring your toothbrush in your bag” stage, it’s an even better time to talk to him about it. Being a Sub, even a hungry, horny one, doesn’t mean you’re necessarily hop in the sack with him right away. So it’s ok to talk about not just boundaries and limits but wants and desires before you get around to doing them. Just be clear those are ideals you have in mind, not that it’s either an invitation or a laundry list for him.
Oh, one last thing: let him know about the difference between “topping from the bottom” and mentoring him. Be clear that your intention really is to Submit to him – and that at each point it will be his decision what he chooses to do based on your feedback.
That said (since this is advice for everybody and not just you) it’s still his choice! He might not want to be a Dom. He might not want to be much of a Dom. Or not one all the time. You have to be ok with that too – boundaries, limits, and consent go both ways.
Let me know what you think. Feel free to show him this post too. I want both of you to succeed and be happy with who you both are and not who either things they or the other is “supposed” to be.
Comments Off on Hi, I’ve just started talking to a guy. He is vastly more vanilla than I am, but I’ve been talking to him about trying more kinky things. More basic like light spanking, letting him be a little more in control, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary yet. I was wondering how to not scare him with kinker ideas and, hopefully, application of them. Thank you
Found the meme on Reddit. I was tempted to say “being a D/Lg Daddy in a nutshell” and yeah, it’s that. But really it’s what all real partners do for each other, isn’t it? Because no matter what our role or kink, remember we’re all partners first.
Nothing wrong with needs! It’s actually right there at the top of @instructor144′s classic list of D/S priorities!
Sub’s needs
Dom’s needs
Dom’s wants
Sub’s wants
Yeah, you’ll find people who complain about their partners’ “neediness.” But there are way, way, way more people who worry unnecessarily about being “needy” than there are partners who dislike “neediness” in their partners.
You feel like your partner’s being too “needy?” Start acknowledging them and not just complimenting them. You feel like you’re being too “needy?” Ask for acknowledgment and not just approval.
Extra credit? Want help solving that “neediness” thing? Figure out your and your partners’ generic “love languages” and assess whether they’re getting what you or they see as expressions of love. There’s a non-zero chance your partner’s pouring their hearts out… in ways that don’t resonate with you. Or vice versa. That’s why acknowledgment is so important, by the way.
It’s all a matter of what it takes for you to feel safe enough to be intimate with them.
And for the record this is true even if you’re the roughest, toughest, anonymous/no-strings, most jaded, kinkster evarrr! Bottom or top it just takes more work for you to trust someone enough to let them in.
This is not a criticism. This is not mocking.
This is just an invitation to try something on to see if it fits.
By Thomas Oldenough | October 21, 2019 | Comments Off on Today I understood that there is no other healthy choice but to ask for a release. What can I do to minimise emotional damage for both parties? Plus we have some mutual work projects with my (still) dom, so want to make transition as peaceful as possible. Plus this is gonna be my first d/s breakup, is there anything what should be considered/taken care of on top of usual vanilla breakup stuff?
Followers, chime in with ways you have found to separate in a compassionate way that minimizes the damage?
I think the most important thing is to be absolutely clear about what you want. I’ve seen more backsliding in D/s breakups than in vanilla ones, in part because the structure of the relationship feels so comforting. There is no way to soften the pain you will both feel when that structure disappears. So be sure about it, and don’t continue to follow rules that aren’t rules anymore.
It’s tough when you work together. But once that wraps up, I’d recommend a period of no contact. I’ve managed to salvage friendships with some of my former Doms/partners, but only after some time apart. You both need time to reset boundaries.
Good luck to you. It’s a rough transition. Reclaim yourself. And take care of yourself. <3
The big thing is to remember and communicate that there are way fewer bad people than there are bad fits. One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard was “honor the person you met, not the one you broke up with.” Because they’re the same person.
It’s just that relationships have their own dynamics or even “personality” independent of the people in them. Which sounds crazy, but you know you’ve seen it in other people when they’re in and out of relationships, or in different ones. It’s the same for you. Same for him too.
I’m going to gently point out that while you’re inside a D/S relationship one can “ask for a release” but let’s be clear that you’re an autonomous human being who’s exercising agency: you’re not asking to be released, you’re releasing him.
Just understanding that can be enough to alter your dynamic.
Like. Consider the hypothetical that you ask and he said no, he won’t release you. Would that mean you’d have to let him continue to Dominate you? Would you be consenting in a meaningful sense if he did? No, not really.
And since you’re only a Sub and not a doormat or codependent, once you recognize you’re really talking about withdrawing consent it may make it easier to be clear with him if he wishes to continue at least the D/S side of your relationship.
Comments Off on Today I understood that there is no other healthy choice but to ask for a release. What can I do to minimise emotional damage for both parties? Plus we have some mutual work projects with my (still) dom, so want to make transition as peaceful as possible. Plus this is gonna be my first d/s breakup, is there anything what should be considered/taken care of on top of usual vanilla breakup stuff?
Partners! Because whatever else you are on top of that, if you don’t think you’re partners you’re not in a relationship.
Your gay spouse? Partners! Your “live-in” girlfriend of 40 years? Partners! Your one-night hookup? Partners! Your cowboy detectives? Partners! Darkly D/S/M/S relationship where one of you consensually chains the other to the bed and never lets them up? If it’s a real relationship then you’re still partners first and everything else after.
Because there are some things partners don’t do to each other than spouses, boy/girlfriends, hookups, and other vanilla types shouldn’t and don’t.
