OH IT MAKES SENSE NOW THANK YOU FOR PUTTING IT INTO WORDS
Same story for evil cops. Environments that allow predators and abusers to thrive and be protected are going to fill up with predators and abusers no matter how good the people around them are.
It happens in a lot of fields. Cops, social workers, priests, volunteers who work with kids, foster parents. Predators operate at their peak in positions of authority where they can act unquestioned.
Might want to add abusive “Doms” and “Daddies” in the D/S community…
Pro tip from an older, experienced gentleman for low-information, zero-experience boys: There’s generally a pussy between a girl’s legs. And a butthole. And maybe a little butt-crack lint if you’ve been wearing flannel pajamas. And that’s about it. No butterflies. No secrets. Just a little anatomy.
Not to be a grumpy Daddy or anything but anyone who imagines your only “secrets” are between your legs they’ve got a pretty goddamn low opinion of you, don’t they?
Look. It’s ok to like assholes with shitty opinions. Or to be attracted to them. Or even to prefer them over everyone else. Lots of people do!
But you don’t have to listen to them, you don’t have to respect them, and you sure as hell don’t have to believe them.
Sorry I couldn’t answer this earlier. This is a very important question!
The short answer is no, no matter how busy, depressed, or under the weather, a partner should always find a way to check in.
That said… I’m actually really fucking terrible at this! I think a lot of hard-core introverts are. You’d think that since I’m physically very affectionate – not just sexually, hugs, and kisses but also cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, shoulder leaning, nose booping, etc. – that I’d also be super communicative.
One that last one hits ao many of my shy, “don’t want to bother you,” “can’t talk right now” introvert reflexes, the others really don’t!
This is not an excuse. But it’s a good reminder that, as roughly blocked out by the “Five Love Languages” theory, that different people can have very different but equally heartfelt ways of expressing love, care, and concern for each other. And, more importantly, different people can have very different ways of receiving expressions of love, care, and concern.
The canonical “love languages” are listed as Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. In my opinion that’s a good first approximation but practice it’s not inclusive and there are overlaps so it’s a mix and match system, not an exact one. And the really important part isn’t that someone has one language or another but that you and they may not have the same language.
To answer your actual question, if their “love language” is Quality Time then yes, absolutely, your value to them is directly proportional to the time they spend with you and the effort they take to spend that time with you. But if that’s not how they express then you can both be head-over-heels, heart-achingly important to each other and… still both of you feeling there’s something wrong.
For instance if, instead, their “love language” is something like gifts or doing things for you, you might be sitting there fuming like a chimney because they were busy wasting days in their workshop or kitchen lovingly crafting something (acts of service) for you (gifts) when they could have been there (quality time) with you (physical touch.) And then they’re sitting there hurt that you hug them (physical touch) when you see them but never say (words of affirmation) how much you appreciated the watch or necklace they saved and saved to get you (gifts.)
That all might seem like a long way of excusing awful tendency to leave people on read… but more than once I’ve literally (not figuratively, literally!) traveled all day just to give someone a hug (physical touch) or sit with them all night when they’re ill (quality time, acts of service.)
Your mileage, and theirs, in other words, may vary considerably. Don’t ever be a doormat but do spend a little time trying to figure out if they’re trying to say “I love you” some other way.
It’s an important question, thank you for asking. And best of luck!
Unless of course they are disabled and need assistance but that is a whole new ballpark to play in.Hi! I don’t know all your circumstances or his, but even though you’re 19 I’m going to recommend that you go check out https://scarleteen.com, an awesome, non-judgmental, ethical, and extremely informative sex-education and support site for younger people. As an adult you should treat it as read only and not interact, but you’ll find a ton of resources there about dealing with relationships when you’re both poor, car-less, and when one or both of you are inexperienced.
You mention not wanting to make bad decisions and not wanting to get hurt in the end. I’ll just say there’s quite a lot of sometimes hard-nosed, experience-based, practical advice about larger age differences. Including whole laundry lists of things to look out for – not only in older partners but in yourself.
That said, you are both adults so I’m not going to say “nope.” You’ve met him once in person and seem to be interested in seeing him again. You live just far enough apart that your travel limitations really get in the way. You’ll also find very good advice on Scarleteen about what it takes to be financially, emotionally, and physically able to have an independent relationship. Including, again, some fairly hard-nosed checklists that make it easy to tell not only if you’re ready but if you’re able as well.
Update! In comments @his-country-princess added “Unless of course [you and/or he] are disabled and need assistance but that is a whole new ballpark to play in.” This had crossed my mind but since you didn’t mention it I didn’t bring it up. But! Scarletten being awesome I’m pretty sure they address working with different abilities as well.
Thank you so much for asking. I wish I could give better advice. But for your and his situations I think you’ll find better resources at Scarleteen.
Good luck, ok?
“(2/2) And then I came across your blog. Paraphrasing your eloquent response to the ask before, I didn’t know that people like you actually existed: dominant daddy that’s not a Dom, wanting someone like me; a submissive little that’s not a Sub. I didn’t know that that’s what I wanted. And it took a lot more research to figure out how that differed from the things I’d explored unsatisfactorily. Anyway. Thank you for existing. Now I just have to find someone like you in real life…“
First of all thanks for your kind words! And thanks for letting me know! Figuring out what you really want instead of trying to stuff yourself into other people’s stereotypes and labels is the first step to finding good partners.
Finding good partners these days can be a little brutal even if you’re vanilla. Any time you add a condition “must like to ski,” “must be vegetarian or vegan,” “must be a non-Dom D/Lg Daddy” you’re limiting the options even further.
On another discussion forum someone mentioned that as soon as she says anything about being Submissive, or even casually says “I like when my partner takes control” she gets flooded with guys who just want to slap her around and fuck her ass. These men are… not Doms or Sadists, are they? Nah, they’re just vanilla assholes who want to rough up their partners without taking any responsibility.
One of the problems with D/Lg, as evidenced by my recent obsessive correspondent, is that it’s pretty poorly understood. Even in the kink community the stereotype is that all D/Lg is a subset of D/S.
That’s not a completely unfair assumption – DD/Lg really can be a particular way of doing D/S! But really they overlap rather than coincide.
I honestly can’t offer any helpful advice for finding a good D/Lg Daddy. Because there aren’t a lot of us you might need to “grow your own” the way my awesome and experienced Little partner slowly introduced me to being a Daddy.
A key phrase that I might respond to in a personal ad would be something like saying that you’re an independent adult and perfectly capable of providing for yourself but you’re looking for someone who can make it feel like you’ve “come home to Daddy” when you want to unwind after a busy day kicking the world’s butt.
I really don’t know if that’s going to help. Best of luck though. Thanks again for asking.
I hate men so much they literally are like this. Purposeful incompetence to avoid responsibilities they don’t want …………… the comments on this post on fb were So bad
Save the leftovers. Throw the whole man out.
Imagine being this fucking petty over a reasonable request to do even a fraction of the share of housework, and thinking you’re a good partner.
Makes you understand how so many dudes can be clueless and full of shit on so many other topics, too.
I hope his wife poured a glass of spaghetti and gulped it slowly while making steady eye contact with him as her lawyer presented the divorce papers.
“Haha, that’ll TEACH my wife!!”
Dude, you’re supposed to LOVE her. I hope she sees this and dumps your worthless ass. While she has that glass of spaghetti.
#marie kondo your marriage
Don’t put up with stupid. If your husband or boyfriend does this may I suggest… well… treating him like the idiot he pretends to be? Use it as a “teaching moment.”
“Honey come here. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you didn’t know what Tupperware you have to use. Here, let me explain every container we have. That way the next time you have to put food away you know which container to use.”
And then proceed, in excruciating detail, which containers are which, what they are used for, the correct lids, and how to put on the lids. Do it in as condescending voice as possible.
If he tries to say that he knows, or tries to stop you in any way, just calmly say, “no, you shouldn’t be embarrassed by this. It’s okay to admit you don’t know how to do something. Next time just ask, sweetie.” And continue in as much inane detail as possible.
If he tries this bullshit again, pat him on the head, and say “good try, but let’s review” and then do it all over again.
or maybe just, you know, dump the whole husband???
yes, the entire man
“How dare Woman ask me, A Man, to Do Things To Help Around The House!”
– Literally the mentality of the person who did this
I mean, I’m an absolutely terrible housekeeper even discounting my fucked up body and my depression and ADHD
But even before I became cognizant of my bullshit I wasn’t THIS asshole
Plus this wasn’t a case of them either not being able to help or else meaning well but making a mistake here…the asshole who did this literally just did it to try and get their wife to not ask them to help out again
Like its totally fair to have trouble with housekeeping and stuff if some tasks are hard to do for one reason or another either physically or because of things like depression and ADHD but this guy literally just got offended at their wife asking them to put some spaghetti in the fridge in a container and decided to be a dick and do the Worst Possible Job At It just to be a jerk to someone who loves them…
My ex husband was a master at this. At 7 months pregnant and STILL puking into ziplocs 15 times a day, he claimed not to know how to make egg salad and wheedled until I got out of bed and made a batch. He then grinned and confessed he knew how, he just hadn’t wanted to expend the effort.
So my next vomit party (like maybe 3 minutes later, it was extreme when I wasn’t medicated) I aimed for his sandwich, because fuck that.
Don’t ever try to manipulate me through feigned incompetence. I will make you pay through the nose for it.
Ok. So. A few years ago a really popular meme on anonymous married women’s sex blogs to say “there’s nothing sexier than a man who does housework.”
Extensive research and followups say this isn’t actually true.
Women are turned on by basic worthiness.
This isn’t the same thing as the stupid misogynist/incel meme that women only “give” sex as a reward. Boy, it’s not that she’s going to “reward” you for putting away the goddamn spaghetti right. It’s that nobody wants to fuck a contemptible loser. And that shit right there? Putting spaghetti in a goddamn knockoff Rubbermaid juice container? Ahahaha, what a fucking toolbag! Nobody wants to fuck a toolbag, champ. That’s just not gonna start.
sex positivity has turned into teaching girls to ridicule other girls for preferring missionary or “vanilla” sex as if it’s supposed to be a competition as to who can withstand the most violent sex and who can endure the most abuse from men veiled as a kink
Update: When I was young I got trolled and gaslighted by the same kind of mostly men (mostly but not exclusively men) running the same shit @dovepisces talks about getting hit with – only then the buzzword back then was “sexual liberation.”
I’m still really angry about it and frustrated that, years later, when a new generation adopted “sex-positive” as a… well… more positive phrase, a whole a new generation of younger men and women ended up getting gaslighted by… exactly the same kind of predatory, abusive (mostly) men.
In my initial post (below) I focused my frustration so narrowly on how yet another phrase got run into the dirt I didn’t consider, let alone acknowledge, how badly hurt people have been when they’ve been exploited and abused by people who use those phrases.
Well. This is technically true. But only in the sense that trolls and predators have always used any inch towards social progress to shame, lever, or gaslight others into letting them be exploited.
But, really, actual sex-positivity totally embraces those who prefer missionary or “vanilla” sex… or no sex at all!
Mitch McConnel calling what he’s doing “democracy,” or Kelly Anne Conway calling what she does “empowering women,” or Jerry Fallwell, Jr. calling what he does “Christianity” doesn’t make them true.
Same for any dickwad doodle-dom who tells you it’s “sex-positive” that he doesn’t want to use a safeword or get you off.
But you know what? Mitch McConnell really is helping make “democracy” a term of suspicion. Falwell and his “conservative Christian” coven have literally made “Christianity” a synonym for racism, intolerance, homophobia, and blunt, unmitigated cruelty! And the same goes for the phrase “sex-positive,” which, for too many people, is now a synonym for gaslighting and abuse.
I’m sorry. I might not like it. It wasn’t always like that. But that’s the way it is now.
Final note: The term we’re probably more comfortable with today is “kink.” Don’t even get me started on what I think about the “cool” misogyny-bros at kink.com have done to gaslight the word “kink.” :(
🌸 things u can submit:
– toys, stuffies, little gear, cute little stuff
– how you spend your days with cute little stuff
– cute little stuff you bought or got as a present and you wanna brag about it
– nice words, nice thoughts. nice manners
– ur dogs and cats please
things you cannot submit:
– gifs and pics with detailed description of ‘what you’d do to me’ shockingly i don’t care
– anything where you refer yourself as my daddy especially in third person.
– your dick. i will kill you i swear to god.
You run across who blogs about D/Lg or DD/Lg (or any other kink, or just plain old vanilla) sex and sexuality. Maybe they post really hot captions that get you right where you live. Maybe they post naked selfies doing exactly what you want to do with, for, or to someone in real life. Maybe they’re even your idea of total, sex-on-a-stick, let’s-scare-the-horses, dick-hardening or pussy-drenching gorgeous!
And oh look, their Ask box is open! Or maybe their DMs!
And they said something about loving hot, rough blowjobs and you want a hot, rough blowjob! Or they post about wishing they had a Daddy who’d put them to bed and then fuck them while they’re asleep and you haven’t just always wanted to do that you want to do it right now!
So you whip out your phone, thumb the camera icon, whip out your dick, and snap a picture that you feel demonstrates your level of urgency… and you’ve been jacking off and your fantasies have been getting progressively twistier and darker so you mention what you’d like to do next and…
And then like a goddamn idiot you send it to them!
And guess what? They’re sitting there eating dinner or showing their kid or their dad how to play a game…
Or hell, they’re just sitting there feeling Little and Small but not even a tiny bit sexual at the moment and…
And there your little bit of gristle pops up with a typo-laden case history that would make Dr. Kinsey want to cross their legs.
Guess how that’s going to land, champ?
Guess how happy they’re going to be about responding after they’ve explained to their boss that, no, really they’ll delete the app so it won’t happen again, please don’t fire me I really need this job?
Bottom line: Someone can be A Little but not your Little! You might be A Daddy but that doesn’t make you their Daddy.
Even tougher? Somebody might have just spread herself so wide you can see her tonsils, and write that she’s legitimately dying to choke on A dick… and still not want to choke on your dick!
Buzz, you’re not even the first dude who’s sent her the same message in the last 20 minutes.
And that’s the tragedy (for real!) of being hot in a public venue like Tumblr: one person posts something and 100,000 people can see it and want to do possibly very lovely things with… that… one person!
Even if they were totally game, nobody wants to pull a train with 10,000 boxcars. KnowhutImean, man?
Look. I know. When you’re yanking or rubbing away and you just need that little something to get you over the top it might not occur to you that the person (it’s a person!) you’re about to send your anatomy sample to is a person!
And so it might be a little tough to just go ahead, finish, wipe yourself down, and then send a message saying something like
“Hi, i really appreciated your last post. It was pretty exciting and meant a lot to me. Just wanted to say thanks.”
And then, maybe a few days later saying “I see you also post a lot of puppy photos, have you seen this one of the really cute puppy who just runs to their owner instead of doing the obstacle course like the others were trained to do?”
And just generally remembering that not only are they a real person, you’re a real person too!
People aren’t their kinks. Kinky relationships are still relationships. If you must send your anatomy send forearm or hand pics, not dick pics.
Yeah, they might live all the way across the world from you. But you know what? If you’re more than a dick to them they might be more than a cold shoulder to you!
Even better? Do you have any idea how many perfectly marvelous, sexy, and thoroughly wild women quit posting or never start because they get barraged with unsolicited dick pics and invitations to receive rectal tears? Just one would be too many but, buddy, it’s literally millions!
Don’t make it a million and one!
If someone says “no dick pics or I’ll block you?” Don’t send them a goddamn dick pic, m’kay?
P.S. If you’re a blogger and you still get that kind of shit from tweezers who can’t read? You’ve got my permission to just block the owl whiz out of the pencil-peckered sons of bitches.