Posts Tagged ‘real littles / fake littles’
How do you feel about the idea that a person’s value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on that person? Do you think it is possible that they are so busy you wouldn’t hear from them for days at a time but it has nothing to do with how they feel about you?
Sorry I couldn’t answer this earlier. This is a very important question!
The short answer is no, no matter how busy, depressed, or under the weather, a partner should always find a way to check in.
That said… I’m actually really fucking terrible at this! I think a lot of hard-core introverts are. You’d think that since I’m physically very affectionate – not just sexually, hugs, and kisses but also cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, shoulder leaning, nose booping, etc. – that I’d also be super communicative.
One that last one hits ao many of my shy, “don’t want to bother you,” “can’t talk right now” introvert reflexes, the others really don’t!
This is not an excuse. But it’s a good reminder that, as roughly blocked out by the “Five Love Languages” theory, that different people can have very different but equally heartfelt ways of expressing love, care, and concern for each other. And, more importantly, different people can have very different ways of receiving expressions of love, care, and concern.
The canonical “love languages” are listed as Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. In my opinion that’s a good first approximation but practice it’s not inclusive and there are overlaps so it’s a mix and match system, not an exact one. And the really important part isn’t that someone has one language or another but that you and they may not have the same language.
To answer your actual question, if their “love language” is Quality Time then yes, absolutely, your value to them is directly proportional to the time they spend with you and the effort they take to spend that time with you. But if that’s not how they express then you can both be head-over-heels, heart-achingly important to each other and… still both of you feeling there’s something wrong.
For instance if, instead, their “love language” is something like gifts or doing things for you, you might be sitting there fuming like a chimney because they were busy wasting days in their workshop or kitchen lovingly crafting something (acts of service) for you (gifts) when they could have been there (quality time) with you (physical touch.) And then they’re sitting there hurt that you hug them (physical touch) when you see them but never say (words of affirmation) how much you appreciated the watch or necklace they saved and saved to get you (gifts.)
That all might seem like a long way of excusing awful tendency to leave people on read… but more than once I’ve literally (not figuratively, literally!) traveled all day just to give someone a hug (physical touch) or sit with them all night when they’re ill (quality time, acts of service.)
Your mileage, and theirs, in other words, may vary considerably. Don’t ever be a doormat but do spend a little time trying to figure out if they’re trying to say “I love you” some other way.
It’s an important question, thank you for asking. And best of luck!
Remember you are not a real daddy dom if…
-you ignore your sub unless they are in some way sexually pleasing you
-you call yourself daddy while introducing yourself to a possible sub
-you assume that a ddlg/ddlb relationship is purely sexual
-you give out punishments for no reason other than for your own pleasure
-you make your sub feel bad for being in little space
For those that are baffled by this concept, try remembering that kind relationships are still relationships. And therefore all relationship rules apply. And therefore all non-kink relationship rules apply.
So!
Try this out: someone is not a real boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife if…
- You ignore your partner unless they are in some way sexually pleasing you
- You call yourself their husband/wife while introducing yourself
- You assume that all relationships are purely sexual
- You make demands for no reason other than for your own pleasure
- You make your partner feel bad for being into their own things
Wow, right? Someone who did all those things would be a really shitty boyfriend wouldn’t they?!??! Or girlfriend. In fact, “boyfriend” wouldn’t even be accurate because you really wouldn’t even be friends, period!
Now. Add kink rules on top of those rules and suddenly @probl3maticprincess‘s rules make total, perfect, 100% sense, don’t they?
Nothing wrong with sex-only bag-over-your-heads hookups if that’s all either of you want, and the same for kink-only hookups too. It’s BDSM, sure, and that’s totally fine! But just like you wouldn’t call it a relationship if you were vanilla, don’t call yourself a real Dom or Daddy if you don’t also do real Dom and Daddy things.
Hi! First of allI love your blog- educational *and* sexy! But I also have a question that’s been on my mind recently. In some cases, could asking someone to hurt you constitute as self-harm? I’d like to get into the kink scene sometime but I struggle with self-harm and I wouldn’t want exacerbate things or include someone in my problems. I don’t know who else to ask, and you seem to have a good grasp on healthy s&m. Thank you for writing the things you do :)
Yes, people can and do use kink as a means of self harm. You kind of have to use discretion and be mindful of your mental status when you’re about to enter a scene. If you’re upset at all, it’s not a good time to scene.
I recommend trying to get a handle on your recovery before getting into the kink scene. Once you have a clear mind and the ability to tell the difference between self harm and sexual masochism, it will be easier to identify what is and isn’t okay. Also, I definitely recommend talking to your partner(s) about your self harm so they’re aware and can help assess your mental state and make sure you’re getting adequate aftercare.
This is so important! Nearly every legitimate kink has its own “parasitic” dysfunctional copycat. Every kink community needs to be on the lookout for the real users and abusers who try and use their kinks as protective coloration.
Just to name a few, D/Lg has to keep an eye out for pedophiles. (Similarly the gay community has had to fend of NAMBLA for generations!) S&M has to watch out for psychopaths. CNCs have to keep a close eye on actual rapists. The D/S community is constantly dealing with encroachment by abusive assholes who pretend to be (male or female) “Doms.”
And guess what else? Bottoming, whether it’s Submission, Masochism, Littles, etc., are their own kinks too. And therefore have their own destructive doppelgangers, and the kink community needs to keep an eye out for them too.
I’m not saying you can’t be in kink if you’ve got psychological or trauma-related issues, including self-destructive ones. But as @submissivefeminist says you’ve got to get a handle on them or you’re going to be an active danger not only to yourself but to your prospective partners. Including your tops, who may have no idea what you’re capable of dragging them into.
This is also why it’s vital that tops… Doms, Daddies, Sadists, rope and rough players, etc… have their own very clear boundaries and hard limits.
Abuse ≠ dominance
Codependency ≠ submission
[Update: as a meme this is hilarious and a big hat’s off to @bellona007 for finding it. Yeah, I get grumpy about issues of consent, boundaries, and folks who confused D/S and abuse… but please don’t mistake all my dad’splaining for disapproval of the actual, you know, joke!]
Quick reminder here: this does not represent a D/S relationship. It’s not cute. it’s not funny. Nor would it be any funnier or cuter if the roles were reversed. Nor if it was a D/Lg couple no matter which partner was the top.
If the question was instead “Do you cheerfully Submit to your wife” it would probably be fine for him to defer and let her answer.
Similarly it might be fine if she said “he’s told me he doesn’t feel dominated.”
But clue #1: nobody gets to answer how you feel about anything. For better or worse, feelings happen outside the realm of communication.
That right there isn’t a D/S relationship, it’s an abusive one.
And clue #2: Subs and Littles and other power-exchange bottoms authorize their tops. As in “by the authority vested in me.”
Yes, this is me digging out my old social-theory terminology, but strictly speaking, he hasn’t given her any power. By answering for him she’s taken power from him.
And that’s the difference between authority and power. Power, strictly speaking, is maintained through physical, emotional, economic, or social violence, or threats of violence. Power is taken; authority is given!
Authority can be revoked. Power can only be overcome.
Authorizing = consent!
I’m not going to say “power exchange” kinks should be renamed “authority delegation” kink, because that would be sort of the opposite of sexy.
But when people talk about how “the Sub has all the power” what they really mean is that the Sub can revoke the authority they grant, and there’s nothing (short of non-consensual violence) the Dom can do about it.
Vanilla people have the hardest time understanding this distinction between power and authority, between kink and abuse. Newcomers to kink often need time to fully comprehend and internalize the difference.
But it makes all the difference in the world.
Going to be a grumpy Daddy for a minute here and say that no matter how deeply, darkly 24/7 a relationship is, there’s one question a Dom can’t answer for their Sub and it’s that question right there.
And to be a little more generous about it, a good top knows that if they keep their mouths shut for 10 seconds their Sub is going to say, with an ear-to-ear smile, “hell yeah I do, she’s an awesome Dom.”
A good top won’t be afraid to let their partner answer that question.
Things Daddies should do for their Littles
.I’m really over seeing all of the fake sickos out there labeling themselves as “Daddies”. It’s really dangerous and harmful to littles, who make themselves so vulnerable and impressionable.
These are the things REAL daddies do.
-say Goodnight/ Good Morning every single day
-Pick out or help pick out pajamas.
-Order for your little or help them decide and help them tell the server at restaurants.
-Buckle her in when you go for car rides/remind her to do so if you’re not there.
-Brush her hair
-Support all of her big space goals/ventures
-Play silly games with her.
– Make, or help her make, her meals when possible.
-Take her on adventures.
-Kiss her owies and her boo boo lip when she’s sad/hurt.
-Tie her shoes.
-Give her a chore chart, and stick to it!
-Turn on her favorite cartoons/Disney Movies.
-Remind her that she’s yours.
-Know all her stuffies’ names.
-Tuck her in at night.
-Read/tell her stories whenever she needs them.
-Open doors for her.
-Reach things stowed in high cabinets/shelves.
-Make sure all expectations and consequences are enumerated in RULES
-Color WITH her. Don’t just watch unless that’s what she asks for.
-Let her know when it’s naptime/bedtime (and don’t fall for the little voice/puppy dog eyes like me when she tries to get out of it).
-Baby her when she’s sick or depressed.
-Use your daddy voice.
-Bring her surprises.
-Help her get into little space when she’s having a hard day.
-Bathe her.
-Hold her hand in public places.
-Make a big deal about all her accomplishments, no matter how small.
-Refill her sippy cup.
-Call her adorable pet names (princess, babygirl, kitten, little one, etc.).
-Protect her against all things big and scary (and adulty).
-Support and encourage her participation in the dd/lg community.
-Administer punishments/provide discipline when necessary and appropriate (or for fun!).
-Give her princess parts special attention.
-Fuck her like no other.
-AFTERCARE AFTERCARE AFTERCARE
**Daddy is NOT just a title used in the bedroom. 99% of being a REAL DD lies in taking on the caregiver role!!!**
DISCLAIMER: These apply for Mommies and Little Boys too.
None of us are perfect. Not all of us can achieve our goals. Including me. So I post these things not to hold you accountable but to help me be accountable.
“The universe is more likely to give you what you want if you ask for it than if you make it try and guess” — me.
(Note: “foid” is evidently incel-speak for “feminoids” or, you know, women.)
I’m gonna say this with all the love and care and generosity in my big, soft heart, but incels would be a lot happier if they got over their social indoctrination that they’re heterosexual. Or sexual, period.
Abstinence has historically been an easy out for closeted asexuals. Misogyny and misandry has historically been protective coloration for gay and Lesbian self-deniers.
It might have made sense in places where intolerance was through the roof and, say, lynching and burning at the stake were common consequences. But it’s heartbreaking to see so many young men trying desperately to reconcile their heteronormative indoctrination with their authentic needs.
Pity isn’t the same thing as excusing. Their grievous misunderstanding makes them very dangerous men. But it’s still ok to wish they’d just look a little deeper and realize they’re not straight or they’re entirely non-sexual.
For the first 18 years age is *more* than just a number
Just a reminder for folks who’s age isn’t listed in their blog header and where it’s not at all clear that everybody people in your posts are adults.
I’m glad you enjoy my blog but if someone is underage and trying to interact with adults they’re not “Littles” and they’re not being “kinky.”
And for cognitive reasons related to the development of sexuality they shouldn’t be visiting adult blogs. It’s not simply about “age of consent” or morality or legality. Those are factors, sure, but it’s more that there are too many adults who, looking back, realize they got really fucked over and fucked up before their sexuality was fully developed, and because of this they find their ability to express themselves sexually or enjoy sex or form trusting relationships with partners is diminished or extinguished.
For this and other reasons please add your age to your sites so I’ll know it’s ok not to block and/or report you. I’m not singling anyone, but I do ask this of anyone who isn’t clearly an adult.
Yes. Age is just a number. And yes 18 can seem like a particularly arbitrary number. But statistically and demographically it’s a perfectly reasonable arbitrary number.
Incidentally, this message isn’t just for minors: everybody needs to play only with others on their own side of that number.
how do you recognize being a traditional submissive with being a feminist”? i struggle a lot reading texts talking about being a “good traditional girl for him” but also it’s what feels right in the moment??
MOOD
I’m new to reading “tradfem” blogs and I find some of them completely at odds with myself and my values. I try to ignore those ones and only seek out what feels good and right to me. I love the traditional aesthetic, and I love some of the aspects of the values, but I’m happy to pick and choose what I’ll take or leave. Same thing with kink blogs.
I would never be okay with a world based on traditional gender roles. From my studies and lived experiences I know that gender roles are socially constructed – not biological – and that they cause more harm than good. Ideally, everyone should be able to express their gender the way that makes sense to them.
I also have a kink for submission and forced femininity. That isn’t at odds with my values, because it happens only between consenting partners in a kink setting. I love cooking and dressing up and cleaning for my Sir, but I would never accept a vanilla boyfriend expecting me to do housework for him because he thinks it’s my job. Sir and I have an understanding that our dynamic is negotiated (we have a contract and everything) and that the sexism we roleplay is play, not reality. He enjoys the role of the dominant controlling man, but he also knows that when he needs it I can step out of my role as subservient little girl and can give him advice, or criticize him, or do whatever. It’s all about communication and trust.
Feminism is the fight for the liberation of all people from patriarchy. When I’m having fun with my loving boyfriend roleplaying something that gets us both off, and I know that throughout the whole experience he respects me as an equal and won’t take advantage of my vulnerability, I don’t think I’m straying too far from that fight. I wouldn’t say kink is feminist, especially straight bdsm with a man as the dom and woman as the sub, but I don’t think it’s necessarily always anti-feminist
Thanks for bearing with the long response!
THE key difference between D/S Submission or being a D/Lg Little, or being into humiliation play, having a forced into “traditional” femininity or other, similar kinks and actual, real misogynistic “traditional femininity,” abuse, and discrimination is…
Whether that shit follows you when you walk out of the bedroom door. And the front door. And your office, workplace, or church door. Or just walking down the goddamn street.
I mentioned earlier today (or meant to, or it could be in my queue) that pretty much all the people who like their asshole touched when they’re about to come have exactly zero interest whatsoever in having their asshole touched when they’re crunching to submit form R-377 to the head office under deadline.
It’s the same with any kind of traditional gender roles. Hot in bed, if it makes you wet and/or hard. Decidedly not anywhere else.
The other comparison: it’s hot playing cop/prisoner games with handcuffs with your sweetie in the bedroom, it’s straight-up non-sexy hell in the back of a police cruiser on the way to jail.
Use the fortune-cookie game rules: It’s just a kink of you only mean “…in bed.”
Hello, my husband agreed into this lifestyle but i have to remind him to keep it up. We have an app w tasks which he does keep track of most days but he misses his own tasks such as maintenance. I feel so unsatisfied especially when I’m waiting for it to happen. He won’t reply to my texts while at work even though I can see he read them. I know a lot is on his plate but I’m never a priority. I’ve had meta talks w apology’s but it always ends up same Any advice or posts pls!!!!
It sounds like he “agreed” to it grudgingly at best, and he’s not really putting his back into it. Doms are born, not made, and it may simply be that he doesn’t have that in him. Have a meta talk on the topic “Do we start taking this seriously, or shut it down and go back to vanilla?” If he chooses the latter course, you’ll have to decide what to do with that.
if someone can turn it on and off like that, it might speak to how important D/s is in their life. Not always, mind you, but it’s a possibility worth considering talking about, especially to find out if one partner is “born”/wired this way, and the other isn’t.
feeling unfulfilled is not something that should be ignored. the longer you let it go on without discussion, the unhappier you’ll feel. I know the possibility of finding out that you’re incompatible with someone in such a fundamental way is scary, but take the leap. the longer term alternative is going to be so much worse, and leave deeper marks.
So the anon pushed her husband into being her Dom and now she’s complaining about his service. How Submissive!
I agree there needs to be a meta talk but based on the ask and maybe some of the advise that conversation might need to go something like this:
“I lied to you and maybe to myself when I told you I’m Submissive. I’m really a Dominant masochist. It just happens to manifest as bratty Submission. So here’s the deal: I expect you to show up on time and perform the tasks you’ve been given to meet my needs. That’s what this relationship is all about.
“Yes, I’m requiring you to perform acts that resemble conventional D/S but you’ve been confusing my masochism with Submission. But here’s the bottom line, you do what you’re told or you’re out on your ass.”
Does that sound about right?
Funny, but as a shitty Dom I never knew how to deal with topping from the bottom. I always just thought I was doing it wrong. As D/Lg Daddy I’m infinitely more confident and have ways to recognize and deal with bratty Littles.
Reading about abusive men and the way they think. Very unsettling and an incredible book so far. Here are my very professional notes.
It’s a good book though I haven’t read all of it.
This is a key for a lot of “can’t help it” rationalizing, whether it’s them making the claim or, worse, you.
An out of control person won’t distinguish yours vs theirs. A self-indulgent one will.
A genuinely concerned person will notice the selectivity. A (self-indulgent?) codependent one may not.
Targeted damage is by definition under control. When you do notice, and you may not right away, you’ve got two choices. To get out and seek help for your sake, or to get out and seek help for theirs. Either way you’re not helping anyone by staying.