You can’t be a Dom and be a Drunk



You can’t be a Dom and be a drunk.

A friend of mine sent me a text yesterday.  “You can’t be a Dom and be a drunk”  She said it in reference to the NY AG stepping down.

My response was “I’ve heard that.”  I don’t know if she got that it stung but it did.

I struggle with alcohol and have for a very long time, I’m on a path to recover now and I pursue my own aggressive brand of therapy mixing AA and Smart Recovery.

Always in the scene the Dom must be on and be emotionally and mentally fixed, prepared and certainly not impaired.  I practice that in all ways all the time during play sessions. I consider being with a partner in a D/s situation with the same gravity I take with any sort of action that could have serious consequences, whether it be riding a motorcycle, handling firearms or being in a  combat zone.

I guess my question is that as a broken person can I be a Dom? I think the answer is yes but at the same time I don’t know I guess I won’t find out until and unless I’m in a position to be with a submissive again.

On the NY AG issue, personally my belief is that he was an ill informed ass of an abuser who like many watched 50 Shades or BDSM porn and thought that shit was how it was done. 

Forgive me, friend, for tugging this up from the archives. I had it saved in my drafts because I wanted to respond to it but couldn’t quite figure out what I wanted to say.

I’m pretty sure I was the friend who said that. “You can’t be a Dom and a drunk.” And I’ve said similar things since then. The overarching thing for me is that, if you are not in control of yourself, you are not allowed to be in control of me. Period. Monsieur knows that if he goes out with friends and has too much to drink, that’s perfectly fine. But our D/s dynamic is effectively suspended until he is sober again, particularly when it comes to play. It’s a matter of safety and trust in the moment, not a judgment of his value as a Dominant.

It’s the same with you, dear friend. You are one of the good ones, and you have shown a great deal of responsibility and determination in making a lot of life changes in the time I’ve known you. Any submissive would be lucky to have you as her Dominant.

You can’t be a Dom or Daddy and a drunk. You can be a Dom or Daddy and be in recovery though. Self discipline matters in a Dom or Daddy. More important, maybe, is not being in denial.

@cherishedproperty makes the even more important point that you can’t be a Sub and a doormat or codependent. If your partner is impaired -whether by intoxication, anger, distraction, or fatigue – you gotta be up for whistling the play dead. Because your Dom can’t always.

A kink relationship is a relationship. Between equal, autonomous partners.

It’s not bad or wrong to get hammered. But it’s not ok to play with power tools while impaired. Or to operate power exchange.

You can be an awesome Dom in recovery. You can be a marvelous Sub and say this isn’t the right time.

Hats of to both @cherishedproperty and @twisted-from-lit.






Same story for evil cops. Environments that allow predators and abusers to thrive and be protected are going to fill up with predators and abusers no matter how good the people around them are.

It happens in a lot of fields. Cops, social workers, priests, volunteers who work with kids, foster parents. Predators operate at their peak in positions of authority where they can act unquestioned.

Might want to add abusive “Doms” and “Daddies” in the D/S community…


This is a great guide!


At some point, I’m just wondering, how many people don’t understand what consent is and how hypnosis is supposed to work.

Like, if I post on my tumblr, “covertly try to hypnotize me” and then you come into my DMs with a link to a spiral, it’s consensual because I already said yes to it.

If I didn’t, and you hopped in my DMs with a spiral, it wouldn’t be consensual and that would be a form of abuse.

Things I’ve experienced:

– Random usage of dropped triggers

– Completely going off discussion and ignoring boundaries

– Literally watched someone go, “well communicating means my TRIGGER HEAVY induction won’t work, and I’m actually going to be pretty much like an abuser” without realizing proper consent is important

– Mislabeled or unlabelled files with forced slavery or feminization

– Fucking bullshit with trying to “make another personality” without permission

– Forced unconsenual masturbation

– Forced Nudes

– Tried to literally break my relationship up

– Random Messaging when I said I was at dinner in an attempt to trance me

Consent isn’t just important, it stops you from being a fucking predator. Like, what the fuck.

And because of it, and because Tists are dumb and assholes. Subs, here’s some tips.

First off: Look for a reputation. If the person’s been called creepy or pushy, chances are they’re not good. Sometimes just asking about the guy will get you like, DMs. Look out for posts detailing abusers and predators.

Second: Establish firm boundaries, make sure the person can remember them after conversing. It might seem weird, but, if someone can’t take the time to remember what you don’t want, then they shouldn’t be having that power over you. They should keep notes on it.

Three: Make sure you can keep the boundaries yourself. Sometimes it helps to record yourself a little audio thing, or write yourself a post. One of the major things in the community should be safety, and whilst it’s easier for a live person to take you deep, if you can give yourself some safety triggers, it’s better than nothing.

Four: Write important things down. Hypnotic Amnesia is popular, and until you’re sure you can trust the person, it’s best to be safe than sorry, write down what your name is, how old you are, and anything else that you’re worried on forgetting, including your boundaries.

Five: Set a session length, or a time you need to go, and then set an alarm for that time before you start. Make sure it’s something loud and you’d notice being intrusive. This is actually good for responsibilities too, because time can fly and you might need to go to dinner with your family or something. Also give yourself time to practice self care to avoid sub drop.

Six: Don’t be afraid to cut someone off if they creep you out or you feel uncomfortable. Even if it’s just the fact the person uses too many smileys. Your comfort matters, and you’re not going to vibe with everyone.

Seven: First sessions should be light, introductory, and you should know exactly what you’re getting into. If you’re confused, ask questions.

Eight: Get to know one another. It seems weird if it’ll only be one time, but, knowledge helps. If they’re willing to take the time to talk before a session, that’s good.

Nine: Friendships are good. Whether it be Subs or Tists, having friends in the community gives you places to go to when things go wrong. Don’t be afraid to message someone in the community to try and be friends.

Ten: Speak out. If you see someone getting taken advantage of, or experience it, tell people. It’s better to let the community know there’s a predator, and it helps for anyone in step one.

Eleven: Sub Drop. This isn’t actually about predators as much as it is about mental and physical self care. Intense emotions and activities can give you a really good euphoria. When you come down suddenly or you don’t let yourself slowly fade out while relaxing, being comforted, you can experience sub drop. Personally, I’ve never had it, but I’ve been around folks who have. Set things up beforehand so you can have aftercare. Even if it means making yourself some nice coffee and wearing your favourite robe. Give yourself some time to recover from the impact of the session.

Twelve: What works for you, works for you. Don’t be pushed into things you don’t like/don’t find work. Advice is free, your experiences and ideas matter. If you can’t do X, you can’t and that’s fine. Personally, I find Step 9 difficult because of my neurodivergence and my anxiety. Friends are hard to make. But I’m very good with one and three.

Thirteen: Stay safe, have fun. Make sure to drink lots of fluids n take care of yourself. This should be enjoyable for you, regardless of kink, or recreational. It should be fun, and good.

I know there are better guides out there, but I hope this helps! I wish you all the best.

I don’t actually know much about hypno kink, though when I was a little kid hypnosis sounded awesome! This discussion of hypnosis boundaries and limits seems like a very good introduction.

You can learn a lot about a kink from an expert’s caveats.

As a top I’m now very intrigued.


See the way he’s using his belt to control rather than strangle his partner?  Surprised?  Please don’t be!  This is an excellent way to play D/S games with a belt.

Between cop shows and hard-core porn we’re sort of conditioned to believe “belt around the neck” equals “attempted strangulation.” 

Don’t get me wrong here.  If you know what you’re doing erotic choking can be awesome for the person being choked.  But the top really does need to know what they’re doing and, more important, the top needs to be seriously in control of themselves.


As with many other elements of sex, and kink, even BDSM kink, a huge amount of the benefit comes from a sense of gained or surrendered control.  

I’m not going to say “don’t use a belt to choke your sweetie,” though I will say “be really fucking careful if you use a belt to choke your sweetie.”  Instead I’m going to say “try control first.”

Ok, ok, I’ll also say “be sure to protect your/their neck” as well, because you only want people to feel the good kind of sore the next day.

Sigh.  Mmm, fun things you can do with belts!




There seems to be a common mischaracterization of d/s relationships: that dominance is active, submission is passive, dominance is doing, submission is being done to. And, if your frame of reference were primarily porn or erotic fiction, it would be easy to reach that conclusion. How many feminist objections to d/s are based in this type of thinking? It may also be at the root of common questions like “How do I get my SO to be more dominant?”

This mischaracterization of the d/s dynamic is unfair because it doesn’t give submissive partners enough credit. From where I sit, submission doesn’t look like a passive pursuit. It looks like real work. Submissives choose their role, and they choose to work at it at least as hard as their dominant partners. And then…they make themselves physically and emotionally vulnerable. They trust. Amazing. You aren’t foolish or weak. You deserve to be proud of the relationship that you build everyday. 

tl;dr…Thanks for doing what you do. It is noticed and appreciated.

Oh, and pretty picture. Love the dress. Love the curls.

I am a lucky girl.

This is roughly the mindset

@cynicaldom comes from when he corrects me from saying he leads, I follow to he leads, I support. 

UGH!  This!!!  

To clear the air for a moment it’s not surprising that there are (non-kink) feminist objections to the way D/S is represented in popular culture.  There’s no doubt that D/S porn and erotica (including Tumblr) has a big problem with gender representation.  In the real world there are huge numbers of women who are Doms and men who are (non-”sissy” and non-”forced-feminization!”) Subs.  

You’d never know it from porn and erotica but Dominance and Submission are kinks not genders!  Until that totally fucked-up notion gets straightened out feminists (and misogynists!) are going to keep having the same fundamental misunderstanding.

But more importantly…

This mischaracterization of the d/s dynamic is unfair because it doesn’t give submissive partners enough credit.

OMG, if you don’t get that you haven’t got a single fucking clue what D/S (or Cg/L, or S&M, or B&D or the other power-exchange kinks) are about at all!

Unlike victims of abuse and violence Submissives actively engage and participate.  They initiate!  They don’t just cooperate they often actively critique, negotiate, recommend, and reject their partner’s Dominance.  

In the real world, Subs cultivate and coach their Doms as often as Doms train and develop their Subs.  

The point is that bottoming kinks are their own affirmative kinks pursued by active, autonomous agents.  Submission ≠ subordination.  Dominance ≠ superiority!  And kink relationships are real relationships!

Again, if you don’t understand that fundamental truth then you’re not a Dom you’re a vanilla asshole who likes to push your partners around.  If you don’t get that you’re not a Sub you’re codependent, or a doormat, or both.  And if you don’t understand that tops and bottoms are partners the way pitchers and batters are partner you’re not going to understand D/S or any of the power-exchange kinks.

Final note: I’m not making a “no true Scotsman” argument here.  There are plenty of self-styled “doms” and “subs” who are just loud vanilla players.  And too many of us let them get away with it.  This is a particular problem for subs because, for better or worse, there aren’t enough good Doms to go around!  This creates a structural advantage for wannabes, users, and legit abusers to slip through the cracks.  And cause real havoc.

But!  Until everybody understands that Doms and Subs are equal, autonomous partners and that D/S is a kink dynamic and not a gender dynamic there will continue to be giant cracks where the assholes will continue to slip through.


Curious about what you use and how you came up with it???

Never forget that the universal safeword is “what the fuck, asshole!”

Seriously.  If you want out of a scene and your partner doesn’t seem to be registering your distress, then even if you haven’t set a “proper” safe word, if you’re snapped out of your zone it’s 100% acceptable for you to snap them out of theirs.

Also note: in most circumstances a top is doing something wrong if they push their partner to a point they need to safeword.  It’s not a good thing.  It’s not a “win.”

Hello! I saw some of your asks I read about the “starting it” one and you gave such a good answer. My bf wants to have more sex than we have now. I hate my body (I’m 5’6 with ~128 pounds). I’m trying to lose weight with sport, skipping meals etc. And he tries to feed me like “we gotta put some meat on you”. He’s looking out for me but my boobs won’t grow from that (-.-). I don’t want to sleep with him if I can’t look into the mirror without crying and hating myself..

First of all thank you so much for checking in.  It sounds like your boyfriend would like to have sex more often than you.  And it sounds like you don’t feel good about it because you’re anxious about your figure.  As opposed to just not wanting to have sex.  Like… maybe you’d enjoy having more sex if you had a different body?  Does that sound right?

I think that last question is the most important one.  Because sometimes trying to wrestle with a million conflicting feelings about sex, wanting sex, feeling pressured or expected to have sex, and especially feeling obliged to have sex even when you want to… can make it hard to say no.  And that, in turn, can come out in other ways.  In particular, when we feel powerless (not the kinky exchange of power but literally powerless) we can go kind of sideways and say “I’m not worthy of having sex” or “I don’t deserve to have sex” or even “I’m not pretty enough to have sex.”

So I’ll ask that question again.  You mentioned that “my boobs won’t grow from that” and “I don’t want to sleep with him if I can’t look in the mirror.”  Do you really mean you’d love to have sex with him if your breasts grew or if you loved how you looked in the mirror? 

It’s an important question because, for most people, the answer is still pretty much no.

So just as a thought experiment, not because it’s the truth and definitely not because it’s an accusation or judgment, ask yourself how you’d answer if you felt you had the power to say a clear, honest yes or no and have it respected.  (Not just from your boyfriend but from all the potential partners, well-meaning relatives, and random creeps in your life.) 

Because without the power of a resounding no it’s hella hard to give an enthusiastic yes.  And, here’s the trick from the old, old book Fat is a Feminist Issue, for a hell of a lot of women, empowerment melts self-consciousness.

I’d like to talk for just a moment about how you say you “hate your body.”  It’s exactly not helpful at all for me to say that if that’s you in your blog avatar you’re a perfectly attractive young woman, because *my* opinion isn’t what’s important, right?  And so me going “what are you talking about, you’re *beautiful* doesn’t answer the point that no, you don’t *feel* beautiful.

You mention you’re 5′6″ and 128 pounds and trying to lose weight through exercise and restricting.  We all know the infamous BMI charts are almost bullshit, but using those numbers you’re at the low end of “normal weight” for someone your height.  Just a point or two off of “underweight!”  Which might explain why your boyfriend (unhelpfully!) keeps trying to get you to eat.

I say “unhelpfully” because there’s a non-zero (possibly pretty high) chance that your boyfriend doesn’t understand how you could not like your body.  Unless he’s very immature it’s likely he thinks you’re beautiful too.  I mention this because it’s hard to be sympathetic with someone who doesn’t feel they’re the *right* kind of beautiful… *their* kind.

I want to acknowledge that you feel how you feel.  That you wish your body was a different way.  I want to acknowledge how hard that is for you – especially if you can’t get anyone to agree.

Goodness knows I feel that!  I don’t *want* to be tall and thin like a basketball player, I want to be medium height like a baseball player.  Like. It bothers me to be naked around my partners because it’s so bad.  (This may sound silly to you, but that’s my point!)

So I’ll say the trick for me has been to take it on faith that when someone else says I’m attractive they’re telling the truth.  Faith is what you need when you simply can’t believe something yourself.  It’s not religious faith, I don’t mean that.  I just mean "I’m going to go along with your wrong-headed idea that I’m attractive to you because *goodness* it’s nice how you seem crazy about me.”

In fact, that’s a sort of awesome way to think about it.  From our point of view our lovers are *literally* crazy about us! 😂

But I promise that if you can find a way to just “go along with the joke” it’ll have a surprising effect on you too.  That feeling will never go away (unfortunately) but the longer you play along the less impact it’ll have on you.  

Anyway, that’s sort of two not-very-helpful, dad’splaining answers for one Ask: do you feel able to say yes or no to sex and have it stick; are you able to “go along with the joke” when everyone around you says you’re attractive even when your self-image doesn’t see it. 

Hope either one of those makes sense.  Best of luck!  And thanks again for checking in.

Hey Cliff, I was wondering if you knew if using toothpaste internally is potentially harmful (anus or vagina). I’m seeing mixed reports online and I’m not about to ask my doctor about it in person, lol. If it is, would using it around these orifices be potentially dangerous?




You know, the real answer to this kind of thing is that nobody does research on this.  It’s as unknown to science as the unmapped depths of the ocean.  I can sort of guess and extrapolate from stuff like “well, it doesn’t damage your mouth” and “I couldn’t find any case reports of someone seriously injured by vaginal/anal toothpaste,” but guessing is all it is.

And if you ask a doctor–or a nurse more sensible than me, frankly–they’re going to tell you not to do it.  The downside if you do it and get hurt and blame us is major, and the upside if you enjoy it is… not something healthcare can really set a value on.

So I don’t really know what to tell you.  It’ll definitely hurt, but I’m assuming that’s a feature not a bug for you.  Anecdotally I know of people who put toothpaste on their clitorises and nothing bad happened, but that’s just anecdotes and it’s not the same as internal tissue.

So…??? It’s honestly not a question I can answer.


It contains detergent, surfactants, grit, and foaming agents.

It WILL cause microabrasions to your mucous membranes and it WILL leave your orifices prone to infection.

Okay, I think you should listen to this person.

I’m always biased in favor of sexual weirdness and against excessive caution, but she has industry sources for this.  So yeah.  Don’t put toothpaste up in yourself.  Sorry.

People put all sorts of very bad-for-you things in their various body parts.  Most of them don’t do it twice.

Most of us have had some kind of experience with the more “active” ingredients in toothpaste, menthol shaving cream, or perfumes on sensitive membranes and discovered that they burn or sting way out of proportion to how they feel in our mouths.  Peppermint, spearmint, cinnamon, or eucalyptus (menthol) oils in toothpaste as well as some of the lighter esters, aldehydes, and alcohols in perfumes and shaving cremes out suspiciously mild on genital tissue (including penises, scrotums, outer labia, and clitoris hoods) but continue to get more intense.  And more intense.  And ow-really-fucking-burns intense.

People who are into “figging” with fresh ginger and/or chiles do this for fun.  The difference being that both ginger and capsaicin oils in chiles cause nerve endings to “light up” but don’t cause active tissue damage. 

You want to put something “hot” on your naughty bits my advice would be 

a) don’t
b) use chiles or ginger

And AS ALWAY if you’re a top, or even just think you are, try a small amount on yourself first!  It’s not just a matter of “sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander” (though it is that.)  It’s that as a good, competent top you’ll appreciate what you do to your bottom a hell of a lot more if you understand what you’re subjecting them to.  (And if you’re thinking hell no way I’d do that to myself then… don’t know what to tell ya, champ, for thinking it’s ok to do it to someone else.)

hey there, i was hoping you could lend some advice about bottoming. we’re both switches, but i really prefer to top; during the moment, however, i can seem to be really into it. truth is, my mind is wired the entire time and i’m overthinking, even though i come. we do long sessions of after-care, but emotions like inferiority etc. can stay for days. frequently bottoming leaves me emotionally sensitive afterwards but i don’t wanna take that enjoyment away from her; i want it perfect for her :((

If I can try to paraphrase it sounds like you’re up for bottoming for your switch-y partner, but instead of dropping into subspace you still keep that hyper-awareness that comes naturally to tops.  Sounds like the kind of topping she likes leaves you feeling inferior and jumpy for days after, even though she tries to do good aftercare for you.  And finally, you want her to enjoy herself too but it’s coming at your expense.  Does all that sound about right?

I’m going to invite you to try on that you’re not really a switch.  Not saying you aren’t, just asking you to consider what if you’re not.  

If you were always a top, even when you let her play with you, you could keep the topping hierarchy in mind:

  • Sub’s needs
  • Dom’s needs
  • Dom’s wants
  • Sub’s wants

A good top “wants it perfect” for their partner.  That’s you.  A good top never loses control and stays vigilant to what’s going on instead of going into subspace and letting their partner be responsible. That sounds like you too!

I’m suggesting this in part because if you were (literally, in this case) “topping from the bottom” in the sense that you were indulging your partner by letting her perform specific tasks then many of her words and actions might tend to roll off her back rather than land hard on you.

You’re vigilant (not “overthinking”) so while you’re indulging her you could at least mentally be adding “good girl, look at you topping me” each time she tries something.  Of course you don’t need to let her know.  

The above would be a way for you to address her (occasional, right?) needs.

Now.  Using our little thought experiement let’s look at your needs because “Dom’s needs” comes second on that list.  It sounds like your partner may be topping you in ways that make her happy but leave you rattled.  Does that sound right?

Turn it around and say “if I was topping her in ways I wanted that left her rattled for days, how would I change things up?”  If she had real Dom tendencies she’s check in with you and make her own adjustments, really clarify your boundaries with you, and play inside those boundaries.  

And if you were a real Dom (as I suspect) you’d probably not consider your own feelings, figuring you could adjust/accommodate to meet hers.  (Though, really, Doms and Daddies have to have their own boundaries and limits as well, they’re usually unconscious since as the initiator you’re going to tend not to do things that push your boundaries.)

She may want to top you certain ways, but you need to be topped in ways that don’t leave you feeling let down and jumpy for days after.  In the D/S stack your needs as the Dom comes higher than her wants.

Finally, you want to let her “top” you.  Just not necessarily the way she wants to.  In the D/S stack your wants come higher than hers.  So…

Alright.  All of the above was just a thought experiment.  You may both really be switches.  But looking at how things might go if you were an indulgent Dom you can see some steps you might take to protect yourself.

TBH it still sounds to me like you’re a top and she’s not, or she’s not a very good one.  But even if that’s not the case, here’s a little tip:

The steps I outlined above are still pretty good things a switch or Sub can do to protect themselves and enjoy themselves as well with a less experienced or less responsible partner!

Best of luck to you and your partner.  Feel free to share this with her and see what she thinks.  I really do hope you can both to be able to enjoy yourselves no matter how you play.  Let me know what you think.