Just a head’s up for all the guys who worry about being “manly” or not being “masculine” and “will not putting a ‘gas, grass, or ass’ bumper sticker on my car make me look gay?” Something like 40% of women in Western Civilization and elsewhere would cheerfully peel this man out of his white duck pants and fly-collar polo and not let him up till they’d had his baby.
Wear what you want. Say what you want. Do what you want. Don’t worry what anyone else thinks. That’s all you need to know about being a “real” man. Ok. That and shower occasionally and don’t get too full of yourself.
By Thomas Oldenough | December 2, 2019 | Comments Off on Why does BDSM have to involve pushing the s-type’s boundaries so often? Can it be valid D/s if nobody’s boundaries are being pushed? I’m not interested in pushing the boundaries of others but I’m definitely not vanilla/egalitarian. I limit my dominance/sadism to people who can ignore it at least, enthusiastically like it at most, whose boundaries aren’t anywhere near anything I’d do. Is this not a way to be a d-type?
BDSM doesn’t *have* to involve pushing boundaries, at least not in the sense that it seems like you are thinking. I think a lot of people misunderstand what people are saying when they talk about pushing them, and that’s really on those of us who write about kink because we don’t always explain ourselves well.
In my experience, there are two different types of boundaries- there are those that someone doesn’t want pushed, and those that they do. It’s basically similar to the concept of soft limits vs hard limits. A soft limit should be approached with care and only after discussion, whereas a hard limit should never be approached at all.
With boundaries, there are going to be times when someone genuinely wants those pushed, and that’s when it comes into play. Maybe they feel like they don’t tolerate pain well but are super interested in seeing how far they can take it, for example. Or maybe they are trying to overcome an aversion to toys. It could be any number of things depending on the person. Those cases are the ones wherein the d-type should be pushing boundaries, but of course just as with a soft-limit, there needs to be discussion beforehand and the situation needs to be approached with an abundance of care.
But again, that’s only when the s-type genuinely wants to test those boundaries. There is *nothing* that says we (as d-types) should be pushing every boundary. Frankly, if a partner tells me they arent comfortable with something and doesn’t express a desire to get comfortable with it, I treat it like a hard limit until they tell me otherwise. There is a big difference between “I’m not great with pain but it’s something I really want to work on” and “I don’t enjoy pain”, you know? And while it certainly merits discussion if someone’s boundaries/limits are your “must haves”, one of the cardinal sins a d-type can commit is to try and persuade someone into doing something they don’t want to do.
Also worth mentioning: d-types have limits and boundaries too, and if one of your boundaries is that you don’t want to push anyone else’s boundaries, that’s absolutely valid! You’re not doing it “wrong” because there isn’t one objectively “right” way to do this. I have plenty of limits and boundaries for myself and every other d-type I know does too.
The bottom line is you’re absolutely well within your rights to not want to push someone’s boundaries! Just make sure that whoever you play with understands that so that you can both be on the same page, because some people are genuinely looking to have at least some of their boundaries pushed.
Thank you for writing in! Best of luck on your path!
-LMS
So nicely said! It’s pretty important to recognize the difference between D/S or S&M kinks and, you know, psychopathology and dissociation. Or abuse and codependence.
Comments Off on Why does BDSM have to involve pushing the s-type’s boundaries so often? Can it be valid D/s if nobody’s boundaries are being pushed? I’m not interested in pushing the boundaries of others but I’m definitely not vanilla/egalitarian. I limit my dominance/sadism to people who can ignore it at least, enthusiastically like it at most, whose boundaries aren’t anywhere near anything I’d do. Is this not a way to be a d-type?
Nope. Real men never use the phrase “real men.” It’s like how smart people don’t have to say they’re smart.
AHAHAHAH!!!! “Real” men! AHAHAHAH!!!!
Yeah, “real man” = “slavishly cut away all the parts other ‘real men’ cut away.”
My favorite story about masculinity, from an old pre-toxic-masculinity (and also pre-animal-rights) men’s author.
So a Spanish matador had had a spectacular victory in the bull ring. Afterwards all his friends and fellow matadors joined him at his place for a night of drinking and dining.
After the dinner the great matador put on an apron and started washing dishes. “Oh Matador, his friend said, do you think washing dishes is masculine?”
The great matador threw up his hands and roared “EVERYTHING I do is masculine!”
And you want to know something? Goddamn right!
If you’re a man, however you choose to define “man,” then by definition everything you do is “masculine.”
The whole “real man” business is strictly about anxiety, conformity, timidity, insecurity.
Whether you wrestle women and fuck bears or skip to work carrying a purse, if you’re a man you’re a real man, period, full stop.
Me? I know where your clitoris is. I care if you’re a PhD or CEO because good for you! Fun, flirtatious, fit, and friendly? Great! Everybody should be those things, not just women. And… wait a second… “chaste?” What does that have to do with anything?!?!? Because, yeah, “real men” don’t want you to want to have sex with us either, I guess… which I suppose makes them either gay men, asexual men, or incels – all of which are, you know, still men.
Fucking gender is such an idiotic social construct!
By Thomas Oldenough | November 24, 2019 | Comments Off on Don’t forget that Submission is its own kink, feel sorry for Doms who do…
So if you don’t think Submission is its own, independent, autonomous, and equal kink and is instead all about your masterly/mistressly domly self then try the following thought experiment: how long would they stay with you if you stopped topping them?
If they’re only Submissive because you’re Dominant the correct answer will be “forever, of course, because I’m so awesome they’re magically magnetized to me!” If they’re Submissive because Submission is its own craving though… its own kink…
Well…
The correct answer might be something else, hmm?
This is just one of the reasons why I capitalize the S in Submissive as well as the D in Dom.
By Thomas Oldenough | November 22, 2019 | Comments Off on would you ever fuck a black women?
Interesting question. Since the question is open to so many possible interpretations it would be impossible to say something trite.
So yes.
People come from all kinds of places and have all kinds of life experiences. Based on my life experiences can’t even begin to say how much we all have in common though. Enough in common for me to be able to repeat what I’ve said over and over here and everywhere else: stereotypes tell us more about those who believe them than they tell us about those who are subjected to them.
Stereotypes, fetishes, and blunt racism notwithstanding, in my experience when it comes to sex, as when it comes to anything else in life, being Black hasn’t seemed any more or less significant than being from Nebraska or being allergic or being raised religious or having a 4.0 GPA in college.
Those are all important qualities and to say otherwise would be to erase them rather than respect them. And I’ve had great experiences with wonderful partners who match each of those those descriptions. And all of them.
i want men to be able to emotionally connect with people they don’t plan on having sex with. i want men to stop assuming i am planning on having sex with them because i make an effort to engage with them emotionally. i want men to stop feeling personally betrayed by the fact that i engage deeply & genuinely with people regardless of whether i desire them sexually, because i value people & seek to understand & connect with them regardless of sexual attraction
Would I like to have sex with you? I might! For that matter would you like to have sex with me? Perhaps! Does that have anything to do with whether I’d take steps in that direction?
If you’re not surprised when I say “probably not” it’s because we both understand how improbable it is that we’d both want to enough to overcome all the practicalities that stand in the way of either of us saying yes. And finding time. And not being at least somewhat entangled in other relationships, other interests, other obligations.
And so chances are neither of us would act. Or do more than briefly consider it.
So. Little story.
A friend of a friend (real, someone I met though never said much to) used to stand on a corner in Manhattan and quietly murmur “want to fuck” to every woman who walked by.
Every few days someone said yes.
His success rate was somewhat better than the average singles nightclub “players.”
The point being that lots of women want to fuck. The idea of “sexual scarcity” is more in your head than any kind of fact of life.
And once that realization percolates then the corollary comes through too: everything isn’t just about trying to get laid. Every interaction with a woman doesn’t have to be about getting laid.
And once that notion settles in it’s genuine cool how many awesome, entirely collegial, even affectionate relationships you can have with women.
Note: it’s not like you wouldn’t still check out her butt if she’s cute. Any more than she wouldn’t check out yours.
But the awesome thing about women you’re truly just friends with is… you never become each other’s exes either. And sometimes you even become each other’s confidant, wingman, and lifelong friend.
Sex is surprisingly easy. Friendship is hard. Make friends.
As he shoved himself inside me. I nodded, tears rolling down my face. He replied “good, it’s supposed to” as he kept using my little hole…
Just a little check in for the boys in the back: it’s only supposed to hurt if she’s into it. The rest of the time? If it hurts you’re doing it wrong.
Even in kink, when you put it inside your sweetie if it hurts you’re probably doing it wrong.
You know that meme about how the clitoris is the only organ “designed” to receive pleasure? Here’s a little bonus anatomy lesson: the dock is the only organ designed exclusively to caress.
Think about that next time someone says it’s supposed to hurt. If it hurts you’re not using it the way you’re meant to use it.
This works with zombies and werewolves too. One bite from a human turns them right back into people.
Honestly, get over that elitist notion that humans are puny and weak and so fragile that one drop of “otherness” turns us into monsters.
Honestly. Do the math! Epidemiologists calculate that everyone would have to be a vampire in about three generations. But here we are, right? Don’t fight back, bite back!
