I decided to join in the #uncommon D/s conversation. I don’t really have a story to share so I thought I would just list the common elements of D/s that we don’t participate in, or just some of the things about us or our relationship that don’t fit the common stereotypes of what dominance and submission looks like. To be clear, while some are, I don’t think all of these things are actually uncommon within D/s relationships. I think some of the stereotypes of D/S are actually quite rare to see in real life D/s couples on an ongoing basis. Anyway, ways we don’t fit the mold or stereotypes:
I don’t kneel.
We don’t use titles/honorifics full time even though we are 24/7 D/s.
I don’t know any poses.
We don’t do scenes.
We don’t use collars.
My Dom is quiet and introverted.
We are never high-protocol.
I don’t own a corset…or much lingerie at all. What little I do own, I rarely ever wear!
I don’t have a submissive nickname like kitten or babygirl.
He doesn’t own a single suit.
I met my Dom in a friend’s backyard. We’ve never been to a munch.
I pick on or tease him pretty regularly and sometimes a bit harshly.
My Dom doesn’t get fueled by all forms of control. Asking him to choose my lunch doesn’t give him a mood boost.
Thoughtless obedience is not a goal for us.
I’m not a thrill-seeker or adrenaline junkie.
I don’t enjoy pain and I think I need it a lot less frequently than many other subs.
He very rarely ever raises his voice. If I am out of line or he just needs to be confident he will get 100% of my attention, he lowers his voice instead.
I can count on my fingers how many times I’ve been bruised by spanking.
We rarely use any man-made restraints.
I usually order for myself at restaurants.
I pick out my own panties.
We don’t have an end goal of M/s or TPE.
He values obedience more than service. He’d rather tell me when to bring him a drink instead of me bringing him one unprompted.
I’ve never been instructed to edge.
We don’t use scheduled maintenance spankings.
I am encouraged to express my concerns or respectfully question him if I feel the need. He thinks my input and feedback sometimes helps him lead more effectively.
A serious “no” or “stop”, “I can’t”, “I’m scared” etc from me still revokes consent. I have a safeword as a backup anyway.
We view our relationship as much closer to a democracy than a dictatorship. He just has 51% of the vote.
We want a pretty ordinary life. Our main goal in life is to raise happy, healthy kids together in this small rural town that we both grew up in. Our D/s isn’t about standing out from the crowd or living an “alternative” lifestyle. We want to find D/s right in the middle of our very average, family-focused life.
If I could boil down all this blog’s editorializing about kink into one sentence it would be this: most people in kink don’t fit the stereotypes of their kinks.
That is a feature of kink, not a bug!
Yes, some “Doms” wear leather pants. Nothing wrong with that but… most don’t. Yes, some Slaves fall into their meticulously rehearsed Gorean positions by reflex. Nothing wrong with that either but again, most don’t. Most Daddies aren’t Doms. Most Subs take no shit from the lovers they obey without question in bed. Most Littles would laugh in your face if you offered them diapers or crayons. And (stupid even to have to say it) most Dominant women (and “dommes,” and “dominatrixes”) love their male partners deeply, passionately, and beyond all measure.
Again, it’s totally fine if you happen to check all the dozens or hundreds of boxes in your kink’s stereotype. Awesome even. Visibility and representation are important too. But you’re still a legitimate kinkster even if, like most, you can only check a few.
No, wait! If I could boil all my editorializing about kink even further it would be this: More isn’t better. It’s just more.